Optimisms

Happiness is about being grateful for the big things—for our relationships, our jobs, our health. But aside from a few big rocks in the vase of life, really, the rest of the space is filled with pebbles of little things. And if you ever need help getting through a heavy, gray day, it’s the little things that can lift you right back up. So…what are yours?

Here, for example, are the little things that make me happy today:

1. My new Jack Purcell slip-ons. I’ve always been a Chuck Taylor girl in the Converse arena, but when I saw my sister had a pair of Purcells and I saw that Purcells came in slip-ons…happy.

2. The crazy contortions of my little kitty Guinness. When I’m rushing out the door or zipping through some emails to see she’s twisted sideways waiting for a scratch, I’m reminded to slow down, give her a snuggle and be…happy.

3. My favorite pillows. They were a splurge as far as design features go (what a racket this pillow business is, huh?) but I’m glad I bought them, because every single day they make me…happy.

4. Homemade food. Like the homemade roasted butternut squash ravioli with sage butter sauce I made with my Mom and sister. Sure, it took us, uh, seven hours, but that first bite of buttery sage was worth it. Happy.

Life sends us big problems all the time. Balance out that big boulder by being grateful for the little pebbles that fill the rest of the life vase. Take an inventory right now. What little things make you happy?

—The lamp on your desk that gives just the right glow?
—Your lucky pen that feels right in your palm?
—Your killer shoes that make you feel fabulous even in the Post Office?
—Your dog’s yawn?
—Your friend’s laugh?
—The feeling of a stapler punching, “That’s it, job done”?

As my Mom and Dad always say, “Thank you, Lord, for the little things.” They not only get us by, they make life fun to live along the way.

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Big love,

I left my house yesterday for my acupuncture appointment without my iPhone. At the office, they said the time had been mis-scheduled and I’d have to wait 30 more minutes.

“Oh no!” my insides screamed. “30 minutes in a waiting room with no iPhone?!”

And then, I thought about it. What would I, as The Life Optimist, tell myself in this situation? I’d tell myself this:

Me, thoroughly surprised at my surprise birthday party this year. Maybe we can start to see the surprises of life the same way... (Image: Ken Spencer)

Accept the surprise, in this case, of free time. We love the idea of a surprise party for our birthday (well, some of us do), so why not learn to enjoy the surprise parties of life?

So I did.

Instead of anxiously bouncing my crossed leg on my knee until my name was called, I watched the video of a man doing Chi Dong exercises on a river in China, and imagined myself there, strolling the river. I listened to the Chinese music playing lightly and the waterfall feature in the office sprinkling water like a tiny stream. And then, I picked up a copy of Natural Health sat back in the cushy chair to read. By the time my name was called, I was calm and centered and happy to be rid of the instinct to check my email before I went in. It worked for me and it can work for you: Accept the surprise.

If you’re on a date and he or she walks in and you feel zero attraction, accept the surprise, in this case, of being put in a position to search for something about them you do like. Find out what makes their life special, what their passions are and what they’ve learned in life. You just might learn something yourself.

When life throws you a curve ball and you get stuck in a place or position or job you don’t want to be doing, accept the surprise and find out what you can gain from it. If you focus on the frustration, that’s all you’ll feel. So accept the surprise and enjoy the party life is secretly throwing you.

Have you ever made the best of a bummer surprise? In love, at work, in life? How did you do it?

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Big love,

I was just chatting on Twitter with some of you about our favorite “music optimism” tracks, and I remembered a song that I used to love from Mary Chapin Carpenter called “Passionate Kisses.” It’s from her album Come On, Come On that came out in 1992, and is—I just found out—a cover of a 1988 Lucinda Williams song. Go figure. But the Mary Chapin version is the one I know and love.

If you listen to the lyrics, you’ll see how positive a message this is for your dating optimism. Give it a listen and take it to heart:

Like she sings…

Is it too much to ask
I want a comfortable bed that won’t hurt my back
Food to fill me up
And warm clothes and all that stuff
Shouldn’t I have this
Shouldn’t I have this
Shouldn’t I have all of this, and
Passionate kisses.

Yes, you should! You should have this! You should have all the good stuff, from a fulfilling career to a great meal to a comfy bed to a big wonderful love in your life that gives you butterflies when you kiss. You should have it all, and you can have it all. So ask.

Big love,

After years of being single in New York City, I met Gustavo. It was a whirlwind of a first kisses, cross-country visits, and a wedding in Mexico within a year. I told all the giddy details in Meeting Your Half-Orange, but the story I haven’t told yet is that I got the jitters along the way. Yep, I had a cold feet moment.

Yep, I had a cold feet moment. (Image: by Gusto)

The week before I met my half-orange, I made a pact with my New York City friends that we would never, ever, ever leave each other or the city.

My life was great: I had a tightknit group of friends, a job that gave me freedom, an apartment I loved, a beach house three hours away, and a kitty to cuddle with when I was lonely. The relationship I wanted was one I hoped would just slot nicely into the life I already had.

Then I met Gus. After one smoochy night in L.A., he flew to visit me. It didn’t occur to me until he was rolling his luggage down my hallway that a guy I’d only kissed was about to spend seven days attached at my hip. This was new for an independent girl like me.

My best friend Todd loves that he gets the credit for talking me through my jitters four days in. I was walking back to my apartment when I called him.

“I’m freaking out,” I told Todd.

“Why?” he said.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I think it’s too much.”

“Too much of what? Him liking you?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Yeah?”

I was single in New York, after all; I’d been trained in being two-timed, double-played, blown off and booty-called. I wasn’t used to a kind, cute, cool, intelligent person liking me back. So when Gus talked about our future with the calm you’d use choosing a flavor of frozen yogurt, I got a case of the “too”s: It was moving too fast. He was being too nice. He liked me too much. I was too scared for a change. I mean, if this worked out, my life was going to be different. I had a job I could do from my laptop anywhere, and Gus, an artist, worked in a 6,000-square-foot loft space in downtown L.A. that would cost three salaries to afford in New York. So I knew deep down that if anyone moved, it would be me. Was I ready for my life to change? Even for love?

“Dude,” said Todd. “Don’t be stupid. Say how you feel. See where it goes.”

So I went home, packed a bag, and took Gus to my beach house for the weekend. On the train on the way there, I told him about my cold feet and braced myself.

“Okay,” he said, “that’s fair.”

And as we talked it out, it was all there: understanding, patience and acceptance. He said and did all the right things in all the right ways, and by the time we opened our Coronas on the back deck, I knew that my life was going to change–in the best way. Six months later, when Gus proposed and we packed up my apartment to move to California, as sad as it was to break my pact, it was the easiest decision I ever made. And when I said my wedding vows with my bare toes in the sand, my feet were warm, as sure as could be.

Cold feet can go either way. For me, talking about my jitters allowed me to see what Gus would be like in a marriage, and I loved what I saw. So now, when a friend gets a case of the “toos” I have a story to tell.

What’s yours?

Big love,

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Cold Feet Week is brought to you by How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is he the one or should you run? and the experts at  www.IdonowIdont.com.  Just in time for wedding season, the sponsors are doing everything they can to inspire runaway brides (and grooms) to pay attention to their cold feet before they walk down the aisle! We can give you the insight you need to make a difficult decision while helping you unplan your wedding. And Cold Feet Week isn’t just for engaged people—we are here to help anyone who is having doubts about his or her relationship. To learn more about the sponsors, visit www.coldfeetpress.com or www.IdonowIdont.com.

You might also like this post on a great quote on facing cold feet:

Wise Words from an Undone She