2010 June — The Life Optimist

Archive for June, 2010

VITAMIN OPTIMISM: How Much Feelings Matter

Friday, June 25th, 2010

Your dose for today…

**“Indeed, feelings don’t just matter—they’re what mattering means.”** —Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness

How does this make you feel? That's what you can tune into. (Image: AS)

Sometimes, people who wonder where to go in love turn to logic for the answer. Logic just seems like a more reasonable way to assess a situation, right? By framing the potential of a relationship like a business plan, you’re more likely to end up with a clear-cut answer. But guess what? Love don’t work like that. Love isn’t logical, never was.

What matters more is what’s pulled from the other parts of your brain, the emotional parts. Those are the parts that take every relationship you’ve ever had, every hurt you’ve ever felt, every smile you’ve ever grinned, that take your pride, your hope, your pain, your struggles, your fears, your tastes and your dreams, and rolls them up into a warm package that comes out of you in a way that defies logic and language. Those are your feelings, your instincts, your gut. Do you love him? Well, what do your feelings say? That’s what matters. As Gilbert says, that’s what mattering means.

Have you ever been steered wrong by trusting your instincts and tuning into your feelings—or have you ever been steered right?

You might also like:
How Do You Feel? No, Really…

Big love,

Amy Signature 4

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Give Up? Don’t You Dare!

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

You don’t have to eat dessert like a grown-up. Nor do you have to dance, sing or play in a swimming pool with wacky foam noodles like one. But when it comes to dating? Yeah, a good healthy serving of adulthood is recommended.

Save the kids stuff for dessert! (Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Which is why today I want to give a shout-out to Bobbi Palmer, an awesome woman whose story appeared in my book, Meeting Your Half-Orange.

Bobbi was so changed by finding love, she began the love coaching company Date Like a Grown-Up and recently wrote an eBook called Confessions of the World’s Worst Dater: Her 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love After 40.

In it, she says more than a few things I agree with, and here is one I want to highlight. Writes Bobbi:

“How many times have you said “I want to meet a fantastic man/the love of my life/my life partner” and then ended the sentence with “but I don’t know how” or “but I’m unlucky in love” or “but my man just isn’t out there.” If you hear yourself saying these things, regardless of whether you are dating or not, I believe that you have essentially given up. You are quashing your true desire. And without this earnest wish, your chance of achieving it is greatly diminished.

When you want something—really want it—you do what you need to do to get it. When you decide—or even act like—it’s unattainable, you stop trying.”

I’m with Bobbi Palmer! It may seem like a blasé utterance when you wave your hand through the air and say, “Oy, I’m unlucky in love.” But the more you say it, the more you will believe it, and the less you’ll try to change your supposed “bad luck.” But remember: We are what we say and we get what we ask for! If you wanted a great bowl of ice cream or a job you knew you deserved, you wouldn’t wave it away—you’d ask for it and make all your wishes come true!

So from now on, do the same with love. Say, “I want to meet a fantastic life partner and I know it’ll happen for me.” You don’t have to believe it at first; talk yourself into it. With a little time and, as Bobbi says, that “earnest wish” that it really happens, you open the door to letting love in.

You might also like:
Letters to Your Future Husband (or Wife)
Want to Be Where You’re Not? Lesson From American Movie

Big love,

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Bench It Like Kobe

Friday, June 18th, 2010

You remember the movie Bend it Like Beckham? So cute, right? Well, I learned something last night watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals when the Lakers played to redeem themselves after losing to the Celtics in 2008: Sometimes, you should Bench It Like Kobe!

Kobe won after the bench. So can you! (Image: NBA.com)

Kobe, as you know, is arguably the best basketball player in the world today. But last night, in the first three quarters of the game, he was fumbling balls, missing shots, causing turnovers and doing the Lakers little good at all.

So what did his coach Phil Jackson do? He benched him. At the start of the fourth quarter in the biggest game of their year—the one that would earn Kobe his fifth championship ring, just one less than Michael Jordan—Kobe Bryant was benched. And thank goodness! By the time Kobe got back in the game, he was himself again, hitting a clutch 3-pointer and eventually helping his team to victory.

Afterward, at the press conference, Kobe said this:

“I wanted it so bad. Sometimes you want it so bad, it slips away from you.”

Recognize that feeling, daters? That trying too hard? That wanting it soooo badly that you’re not acting like yourself? That feeling that this date, this person, this meeting is the biggest chance you’ve got, and you really don’t want to blow it? But then you find yourself doing just that: fumbling, bumbling, losing your mojo entirely and wonder why now, of all times, you can’t make it happen when you want it the most?

Well, it’s like Kobe said. Sometimes you want it so bad, you freak yourself out, don’t act like yourself, and it slips away from you. The next time you feel that way, do to yourself what Phil Jackson did to Kobe: Bench yourself. Take a breath. Wipe your brow. And when you get back in the game, you’ll feel more like yourself again and be ready to clinch it, too.

P.S. I’m reeeeeeaaaaally excited today, because of all the Apps that Apple has on it’s App store (more than 220,000) they put my App, Half-Orange Optimisms, on their “Featured” list yesterday and today!! I don’t know how long that lasts, but I’m one happy App maker! If you don’t have it, check it out!

Big love,

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I’m a 41-year old single woman who’s thought a few times I’ve met my Half-Orange. (I was even engaged once but luckily broke it off.) I thought my most recent relationship was my Half-Orange, but it was bad-timing for him (he still needed to get over his divorce). So, what is up with these close calls but never quite right? Of course, I’m worried I’m too old for true love now. Help!

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

I must first say, No, you crazy loon, you are not too old for true love! 🙂

I know I know I know…it feels that way right now because of your close calls not amounting to anything. But I so truly believe in the idea that each person you date is bringing you one step closer to the right partner for you. And especially if each of these are such close calls, that’s actually a great sign!

When you do meet the right person, it will be clear why this bad-timing relationship wasn’t right at the right time. Maybe it’ll be him, but he’ll be over his divorce. Or maybe it will be someone else and you’ll be thanking your lucky stars this guy wasn’t ready.

My advice: Place a love order from the world. I’d find a place outside or facing outside. Take a deep breath, put a big smile on your face for 20 seconds to cool down your emotional brain, keep breathing, and calm yourself, then think about how ready you SO truly are for a real love to enter your life. Then tell the world just that—that you are ready. Say, “Okay, world, you know what? I’m ready. I’m really really ready for my big love. So please, when you’re ready for us to meet, send him my way fast. And if we’re not ready to meet yet, just send me a sign I’m on the right path. Thank you.” Really feel it all while you do it: boldly asking for what you want, the thank you, the gratefulness. Then smile, exhale, and let the world do your bidding.

It’s your time. I think that as soon as the world really knows you’re ready for it, it can come.

—Amy

Posted in Let's Talk | Comments Off on I’m a 41-year old single woman who’s thought a few times I’ve met my Half-Orange. (I was even engaged once but luckily broke it off.) I thought my most recent relationship was my Half-Orange, but it was bad-timing for him (he still needed to get over his divorce). So, what is up with these close calls but never quite right? Of course, I’m worried I’m too old for true love now. Help!

Make Interesting Mistakes

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

I recently watched some episodes of HBO’s series Masterclass.

Playwright Edward Albee

If you have any special interest in an area of the arts, you might enjoy watching students meeting a master in the field for some personal mentoring of their craft. Artist Olafur Eliasson and singer Placido Domingo were two of the teachers. But my favorite, of course, was the episode when Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Edward Albee met with four young writers to talk about his work.

And wouldn’t you know it, he said something wise enough about life that I had to share it with you. He was talking about one young writer he’d met in the show who left school for a year to tour and write in Paris. When asked if the kid was doing the right thing, Albee joked that he probably wasn’t, but that’s okay.

“I think people should be adventuresome,” Albee said. “I think people should make mistakes. Make the interesting mistakes. The trick is making more interesting mistakes and doing stuff that you may regret, but what’s wrong with that? There’s more regret in what you don’t do than what you do.”

Keep this in mind as you live and date. Date the wrong people, sure, but make them the wrong interesting people who provide you with an experience greater than a big yawn and wanting to crawl into bed early. Dating is all about trial and error, after all. That’s the point! The same way a writer should scrawl down their first draft without stopping to analyze and edit what they’re doing along the way, you, too, should follow your heart and date who feels right and who seems interesting. So what if each one isn’t The One? As Albee says, “What’s wrong with that?”

You might also like:
Harry Potter: The “Magic” of Optimism
Wise Words from an Undone She

Big love,