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Happiness Secrets: 7 Ways to Make the Best of a Bad Day

Tuesday, January 21st, 2020

My friend Kate was coming back from lunch when her co-worker Brad walked in, sighing his tie off.

“I have had the worst day,” he said. “I was backing out of the parking garage and smashed into someone’s car!” The he huffed off.

Making lemonade out of (and on!) a lemon-painted beater. (Photo by: Amy Spencer)

Five minutes later, Kate’s friend Emma walked in, beaming. “Oh man, I’ve had the best day so far,” she said. “I finally got to meet your friend Brad! In fact, it’s the funniest story. I was pulling into the parking lot when he backed into my car…”

That is a true story. Hilarious, right? And ahhhhh, perspective. What a perfect example of the power we have over our own experiences. Because our happiness is not necessarily about what happens to us, but about how we see what happens to us. The fact that two people can walk away from the same fender bender — or conversation or meeting or dating state of the union — with entirely opposite impressions of it is proof.

Our experience is relative. And while we may not have a choice about the matter, we do have a choice about the mindset. And this is great news, because it means you don’t necessarily have to change a single thing in your life to be happier! You don’t need to make more money or have a bigger kitchen or have a perfect relationship to be happy — you just need to start seeing what you have from a brighter perspective. And the more you do it, the happier you’ll feel.

Want to be happier without changing a single thing? Here are seven ways to do that just by looking on the bright side of your next situation.

1. Thank the lemons
Why does it always take dating fifty nuh-uhs and interviewing twelve nannies before finding one that doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth? Because seeing the bad ones is the only way to appreciate the good. If you haven’t tasted some sour lemons, you’d never be able to appreciate the sweet stuff. So thank the bad dates, the boring jobs, the drafty houses and the dull knives, because they’re the things making you see how lucky you are when you get your hands on the gold.

2. Say, “Well, at least I’m not…”
If you lost your wallet, at least you didn’t lose your phone along with it. If you lost your phone, at least your numbers are backed up on your computer. Oh, they’re not? Well … at least you TiVo’d “Parenthood” so you can cry it out with the Bravermans and get one good thing outta this dang day. The point is, whether you choose to see your glass as half full or half-empty, at least you have something in it at all.

3. Do the can-can
Okay. So now you can’t eat gluten and you can’t afford a Caribbean vacation this year, and for some reason, you can’t stop thinking about how you can’t do either one! It’s no wonder: A 2007 study by James Erskine pitting hungry humans against yummy chocolate found that subjects who attempted to suppress their thoughts about chocolate ended up thinking about it more! So instead of thinking about what you can’t have or do, focus on what you can. No, you can’t have gluten; but you can have grilled artichokes, juicy New York Strip, sweet peaches, corn tortillas, and a glass of Cabernet Franc. (Well, check the label first … you know how these things go.) And while you can’t have the Caribbean, you can afford a fun road trip along the coast that has plenty of its own charms. Go head, look at your lists and see: What you can do is so much bigger than what you can’t.

4. Plan your party story
When one thing goes wrong in a day, it stinks. When three things go wrong? Now you’ve got the makings of a really funny story. So take notes: When there’s no hot water for your shower, you have a wardrobe malfunction and your credit card is rejected at the restaurant, then stop groaning and start building the hilarious tale you can tell tomorrow.

5. See life as a see-saw
Some days, you’ll be the one stuck in the slow line at Whole Foods, losing the parking pass, or let go from your job. But some days? You’ll get plucked to join the brand new line, find a pair of Ray Bans on a park bench and win the promotion! We split our time on both ends of life’s see-saw. So, to make the bump you feel on the bottom a little less bad, remember that your upswing is coming soon.

6. Re-word it more positively
Are you having a “nightmare” week? Is your boss putting you through “hell?” Are you “never” going to meet the right person? Well, if you spend all your time focusing on what’s wrong, you leave no room for what’s right. So frame your life in a more positive way — literally — and things will feel more doable, bearable and possible. Try saying, “This is a tough week I’ll soon get through,” and “My boss is a way for me to practice my patience,” and “There are great people out there if I keep my eyes and heart open to see them.”

7. Put a bow on it for your future self
Huge life changes like job loss and heartbreak don’t always have a bright side when your in the midst of them. And that’s okay, because expressing your anger and getting out your grief is emotionally healthy, too. But when you’re wiping off the salty stains from your cheeks and want something positive to focus on? Think this: Your future self called and has a message for you about this bad experience: “Thank you.” Because you’re becoming a smarter, stronger, more empathetic and more resilient a person with every hurdle you leap. If you can’t see the benefit of a bad day in your present, then at least you’re giving a present to your future.

You don’t have to change your whole life to be happier. Just start by changing how you see the good life you already have.

This post was originally published in HuffPost. Read the original version here: 7 Ways to Make the Most of a Bad Day

For more ways to see life’s silver linings, check out Bright Side Up: 100 Ways to Be Happier Right Now. Follow Amy at twitter.com/amyspencerla.

Tags: Amy Spencer, happiness secret, happiness secrets, how to be happy, optimism
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Is Your Date Into You? 6 Signs They Are

Wednesday, July 9th, 2014

Another post for the singles here.

Right now, I have quite a few friends firing up their Tinder apps and flirting on OK Cupid and meeting up for quickie cocktails, all in the name of love. And one of the main things they always walk away wondering after almost every date is: Does my date feels the same way about me that I feel about them?

Dance Party. Image by Amy Spencer

Even if your date has been smiling up a storm or raptly listening to your opinion on the next season of True Detective, he or she could just be acting interested and secretly hoping the evening will end soon. But that’s not to say you need to be in the dark about your date’s true feelings. It turns out there are many signals your date may send that give away what’s really going on—and could mean there’s a real connection and raging chemistry between you two.

So…do you want to know if your date is into you? I pulled together a few signs for the dating site Chemistry.com and wanted to share them with you now. Do any of these seem familiar?

SIGN #1: Your date says your name more than usual. Maybe your date says your first and last name, like, “So, Michael Malone, you up for a night cap after dinner?” Or maybe your date says just your first name three times, like “Jenna, Jenna, Jenna.” Either way, it can be a sign that your date feels so much chemistry, he or she can’t help but connect with your closest possession: your name. But only if your name is said in an enthusiastic way—not in a flat tone like the person behind the counter at the DMV. “Saying someone’s name is like a sign that you’re testing the magic you’re feeling, because you almost can’t believe they’re real,” says body language expert Patti Wood. “It also subconsciously elicits immediate focus from the person whose name is said,” says Wood, which is more proof of the chemistry: If someone is into you, he or she wants your full attention.

It’s an unconscious bit of body language that shows the person is searching for more info about you.

SIGN #2: Your date squints at you. If you watch reality dating shows like The Bachelorette, when one party harbors a crush on the other, they’ll give each other a cute little squint, usually followed by a smile. (Hello, Andi, we’re lookin’ at you!) What gives? It’s an unconscious bit of body language that shows the person is searching for more info about you. “Squinting is typically a gesture of searching deeper into something or testing it,” says Wood. “The same way you’d squint at a diamond to see if it’s real, squinting shows you’re focusing harder to be sure it’s not just a mirage.” And that, she says, is a great sign. That coy little spy tactic shows that your date likes you so much, he or she is looking more closely to see if you could possibly be as great as you seem. (Obviously you are.)

SIGN #3: Your date asks the “why” and “how” questions. During dinner conversation, any polite date will ask you factual things about your family like, “So, do you have brothers and sisters?” But that’s not necessarily a sign they feel chemistry with you. It is a sign of chemistry, however, if they delve deeper and ask more probing questions. As in, “So, how did you get interested in accounting, anyway?” And “Why did you decide to move all the way across the country?” That’s one of the ways New York City dater Jennifer first noticed that she and her date were clicking. “He asked questions about my family — not just the same old questions, but things like, ‘What are your parents like?’ People on first dates don’t really ask these kinds of questions unless they have some intention of meeting them some day.” These challenging questions are a strong sign that the person you’re with is seriously interested in you and not just making polite chit-chat. And in Jennifer’s case? They’re married with a little girl now, so those signs sure were pointed in the right direction.

SIGN #4: Your date gets quiet midway through your time together. Rather than taking your date’s silence as a sign your he or she has lost interest, it could actually be the opposite: Your date may be feeling such a pull toward you that he or she is lost in thought about it. “Sometimes, a person feels such a strong attraction that instead of nodding and following the conversation, he or she is just contemplating you,” says Wood. So the next time your date seems to have missed the whole end of your story, don’t cast the person off too quickly. If you really can’t be sure whether the distraction is a bonus or a sign of boredom, go ahead and ask. “Say to your date, ‘Hey, where’d ya go?’” suggests Sharyn Wolf, CSW, a psychotherapist in New York City and author of Guerilla Dating. “If the person says, ‘What are you talking about?’ or acts defensive about paying attention, that’s not a good sign. But if you get a grin back and a, ‘Sorry, I guess I got distracted,’ that can be a great sign. It shows this new companion may have been imagining a future outing — or just a future — with you!”

Good off. Image by Amy Spencer

SIGN #5: You hear “you’re” a lot. If your date says to you, “You’re awesome” or “You’re so funny” or “You’re a trip!” or “You’re something else…” then you’re very lucky! Personalizing your admiration or approval of a date means a lot; it’s a strong sign of attraction, while statements like, “That’s awesome” or “That’s funny” don’t mean as much. Using the word you means that the person feels chemistry with you, versus just grooving on your story-telling skills.

SIGN #6: Your date gives you a token of the evening. If your date gives you something you can hold onto and look at later, chances are he or she is feeling chemistry. Jennifer’s date once picked up a pack of matches from the restaurant they were in and said, “Here, for you.” He didn’t say, “Something to remember me by” or “So we’ll always remember this night,” but that, in fact, was the underlying message. It’s a sign that your date wants you to have something to remember him or her by… because clearly this person will be remembering your date as a great one.

Amy Spencer is the author of Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match, which Harper’s Bazaar magazine called “the ultimate pep talk.” And fitness coach Jillian Michaels of The Biggest Loser said, “If you’re single, drop everything and read this book. It will completely change dating for you as you know it.”

Tags: Amy Spencer, date, dating, dating optimism, does he like me, does he love me, does she like me, does she love me, how to date, how to find love, Love, optimism
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Join My Happiness Challenge!

Monday, January 27th, 2014

I have started something called The Happiness Challenge with Glamour.com. And today the challenge hit Week 4.

Here’s how it works: I have created a total of 5 Challenges. Each challenge is built around the idea that if you embrace all the best aspects of yourself and your life in a balanced way. The hope is, by the time you complete all 5 challenges—you will end up feeling stronger, more loving, more confident, more fulfilled and happier all-around.

If you’re just starting today and want to take the challenge on. Do it! Show life you mean business. And nothing makes me happier than hearing you’ve been inspired to live a better life. Here are the challenges so far:

Challenge #1: Bravery

Challenge #2: Self-worth

Challenge #3: Independence

Today’s Challenge #4: Generosity

Next week is the final challenge—and the sweetest and the easiest of all.

It’s not too late to join in, because there’s no such thing as being too late for happiness. Every single day, it’s up to us if we want to embrace a happy, fulfilled life in the small moments we face, minute after minute, hour after hour.

This is your year, remember. So take the steps to show life you mean it.

#happinesschallenge #gethappy

—Amy

P.S. If you’re enjoying this positive, proactive approach to life, order your copy of The Happy Life Checklist so you can keep the challenge going all year long.

Because the way I see it, life isn’t just about the big goals ahead of you, it’s also about the small, beautiful things you can stop and savor right now. And those happy moments are all around you.

Remember: Happiness comes in the seconds and minutes of life, as well as in the years. So keep on living, loving and celebrating the small things that make life worth it.

Tags: Glamour, Glamour.com, happiness, happy, how to be happy, optimism, the happy life checklist
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Happy Life Trick: Pick a New Year’s Theme Word

Thursday, January 2nd, 2014

Successful companies know a little something about branding. They decide how they want us to view their company, and they run with it. Looking to “save money” on your car insurance? You think Geico. Looking to “think different” about your technology? You might pick Apple. A company can’t be considered a master in comfort, price and innovation. It’s better to pick one element and aim right for it.

Beauty? Peace? Gratitude? Choose a word or phrase for the year that speaks to how you want to live. (Image: Ken Spencer, Hummingbird)

And the same goes with branding our own lives. To achieve our dreams, we have to know how we want to live, in order to make the choices that get us there.

That’s why, a few years ago, I started giving my life a theme word. One year it was “Authenticity” and another was all about “Passion.” This past year was about “Freedom and Abundance.” So for me this past year, I ran every opportunity past my theme to see if the choice was right for me. Hmm, some extra paying work that also fed my curiosity about a topic I wanted to research? That was an abundant yes.

For 2014, I’m playing around with the ideas of “Fortify” and “Family,” and I want to give you a chance to think about whatyou want from your next year, too.

Try this: Instead of making New Year’s resolutions about little goals in your health or habits, think bigger: Think about how you want to feel in your body, among your friends, as you walk through the world. The come up with an adjective or phrase that best describes that feeling. To make it easy, picture this: You run into an old friend on the street and talk for a bit. Then, she suddenly stops and says, “It’s funny. But looking at you, I see such ______________.” What do you want her to see? What feeling do you want oozing out of your pores? Strength? Contentment? Joy?

Here are some other ideas to get you thinking:

• Brave/Bravery. Perhaps you want to feel more bold with your work choices, your travels, your heart.

• Persistence. One of my friends has said she’s through being told “Maybe” by potential clients, and she’s determined to make her company a success by trying again and again and again until she makes it. And when she’s walked out of another maybe meeting, she’ll think, ‘Persistence, baby,” and throw her shoulders back and schedule another one.

• Love & Tenderness. Maybe you’ve been a bulldog go-getter all year, and you could use a reminder to soften up and make more loving choices in the months ahead.

• Light/Lightness. If this year has been particularly grave and serious, maybe your new year could be about lifting the weights, breathing, letting loose, and letting go.

Take your time. Think about how you want to feel strolling down the sidewalk of life this next year. Go deep. Brand your heart’s choices. And aim for a truly new year.

Big love,

Amy

If you want to receive inspiring posts like this, sign up for my happy email Vitamin Optimism at amyspencer.com.

Tags: Amy Spencer, authenticity, branding, happiness, life branding, Love, New Year, optimism, passion
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Dating Decisions: Should You Settle in Love?

Thursday, October 11th, 2012

I don’t know if you watched the new show Nashville last night, but being a Connie Britton fan, I had the show’s debut date saved on my iCal. Luckily, I loved it! And one part of the show made me think of the struggle we sometimes have in love. But before I tell you which one, I must say…

Connie Britton as Rayna James in "Nashville" (Image: ABC.com)

SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t yet seen the Nashville premiere and want to, watch it before reading this post!

The big question on the show was how veteran country star Rayna (Connie Britton) would handle her poor concert sales. She could either A) agree to “co-headline” and open for the former teen mean sensation Juliette (Hayden Panetierre), or B) she’d be on her own, as her record company would no longer promote her album. In other words, should she settle for sharing the stage with someone she didn’t believe in or try to make it on her own?

As Rayna told the record company executive: “You can kiss my decision as it’s walking out the door.” And that’s how I think we should handle those same cheap decisions in love.

When I think back to my dating days, I come across all kinds of dating “deals” I nearly or actually did settle for:

• I either A) only got to see the guy I liked if I met him at some bar after midnight or B) I’d be on my own to find someone who wanted to see me for breakfast, lunch and dinner, too.

• I either A) hung around with a guy I liked who only saw me as a friend or B) I’d be on my own to find someone who wanted a romantic relationship like I did.

• I either A) stayed in a relationship with someone I wasn’t my best self with or B) I’d be on my own to find someone I could shine with.

On paper (or, hey, on computer) these seem like easy choices! But we all know that in love, it’s hard to choose the tougher path. It can be lonely and sometimes scary to be on your own, unsure of what’s to come.

But like Rayna showed last night, it’s really the only way. If you believe in yourself and want the happy, fulfilling life you deserve, then you must choose the path that takes you there. It may be the tougher path. It may be the scarier one. But it’s the only choice you can make if you want your happy ending.

The foundation of dating optimism is that you believe you can have a great love on this earth. So the next time your date or hookup or friends-with-benefits or partner is making you feel “less than” the greatest catch on earth? Tell them they can kiss your decision as it’s walking out the door, too.

Big love,

Amy

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