Optimisms
Cheering each other on
VITAMIN OPTIMISM: How Much Feelings Matter
Your dose for today…
“Indeed, feelings don’t just matter—they’re what mattering means.” —Daniel Gilbert, Stumbling on Happiness
How does this make you feel? That's what you can tune into. (Image: AS)
Sometimes, people who wonder where to go in love turn to logic for the answer. Logic just seems like a more reasonable way to assess a situation, right? By framing the potential of a relationship like a business plan, you’re more likely to end up with a clear-cut answer. But guess what? Love don’t work like that. Love isn’t logical, never was.
What matters more is what’s pulled from the other parts of your brain, the emotional parts. Those are the parts that take every relationship you’ve ever had, every hurt you’ve ever felt, every smile you’ve ever grinned, that take your pride, your hope, your pain, your struggles, your fears, your tastes and your dreams, and rolls them up into a warm package that comes out of you in a way that defies logic and language. Those are your feelings, your instincts, your gut. Do you love him? Well, what do your feelings say? That’s what matters. As Gilbert says, that’s what mattering means.
Have you ever been steered wrong by trusting your instincts and tuning into your feelings—or have you ever been steered right?
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How Do You Feel? No, Really…
Big love,
Bench It Like Kobe
You remember the movie Bend it Like Beckham? So cute, right? Well, I learned something last night watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals when the Lakers played to redeem themselves after losing to the Celtics in 2008: Sometimes, you should Bench It Like Kobe!
Kobe won after the bench. So can you! (Image: NBA.com)
Kobe, as you know, is arguably the best basketball player in the world today. But last night, in the first three quarters of the game, he was fumbling balls, missing shots, causing turnovers and doing the Lakers little good at all.
So what did his coach Phil Jackson do? He benched him. At the start of the fourth quarter in the biggest game of their year—the one that would earn Kobe his fifth championship ring, just one less than Michael Jordan—Kobe Bryant was benched. And thank goodness! By the time Kobe got back in the game, he was himself again, hitting a clutch 3-pointer and eventually helping his team to victory.
Afterward, at the press conference, Kobe said this:
“I wanted it so bad. Sometimes you want it so bad, it slips away from you.”
Recognize that feeling, daters? That trying too hard? That wanting it soooo badly that you’re not acting like yourself? That feeling that this date, this person, this meeting is the biggest chance you’ve got, and you really don’t want to blow it? But then you find yourself doing just that: fumbling, bumbling, losing your mojo entirely and wonder why now, of all times, you can’t make it happen when you want it the most?
Well, it’s like Kobe said. Sometimes you want it so bad, you freak yourself out, don’t act like yourself, and it slips away from you. The next time you feel that way, do to yourself what Phil Jackson did to Kobe: Bench yourself. Take a breath. Wipe your brow. And when you get back in the game, you’ll feel more like yourself again and be ready to clinch it, too.
P.S. I’m reeeeeeaaaaally excited today, because of all the Apps that Apple has on it’s App store (more than 220,000) they put my App, Half-Orange Optimisms, on their “Featured” list yesterday and today!! I don’t know how long that lasts, but I’m one happy App maker! If you don’t have it, check it out!
Big love,
I met an awesome guy three weeks ago, and I have this feeling he’s my half-orange! I think I should be staying in the present moment, but I can’t help but envision a future with him, and I’m afraid I’m holding on so tightly, I’ll squash what’s great. —C.
Thanks for the question, C! It’s totally natural to envision a future with a guy, especially one you can really see a true, happy future with. So don’t feel pressure to stop seeing that. But if thinking this way is making you “afraid” you’ll “squash” him? Read your own words there. You don’t want to be coming at any relationship with either fear you’ll ruin it or fear you’ll squash the good stuff. So as much as it’s possible when you see him next, take a few deep breaths, smile, cool down your emotional brain, slow down your pace, and try to enjoy your time together in a light, positive way.
If it helps, focus on some of the in-the-moment elements (sights, sounds, scents) that you enjoy about being with him, to keep your eye on the present as much as possible: The sound of his voice or laugh, the way you feel relaxed in your shoulders and face when you talk with him, the taste of the food you’re eating. My post on How to Live in the Moment might give you some other ideas and keep you focused on the present instead of mentally forcing him into a box of your future.
It’s like something I was telling a friend of mine recently. She worried she was being too eager and pushy with the guy she was seeing, so I told her and I’m telling you: Instead of sitting forward, sit back—literally and figuratively. If you’re at a table, instead of leaning forward on your elbows or in the chair, lean back. Take a deep breath. Take it in. Or, in general, sit back with your approach, and enjoy it as it unfolds each second.
Because, by the way, if he is your half-orange, you don’t want to miss enjoying these fun, early moments of dating, when things are still unknown and fresh and new. Bask in how fun that is, rather than looking too far or even rushing it toward the future. The future is long and you’ll have plenty of time for it!
—Amy
How to Be Happy: It’s Easy!
My sister found this on Facebook, and all I could think was: I have to share this with my dating optimists! Here, your short-cut formula on how to be happy:
What works in life works in love, and vice versa. So ask yourself this same question about your dating life, your single status or about the so-so, on-off, kinda-sorta person you’ve been seeing lately. Are you happy? Do you want to be?
You know what to do in your heart. You know that if you’re stuck in destructive patterns that it’s up to you to wise up and change what you’re doing. The key now is to do it. Do what makes you happy and you will create a change in your brain and your being that people will read a mile away. The happier you are, the truer you’ll be to yourself, and the better chance you have of meeting your half-orange and knowing he or she is right for you when you do.
Big love,
Make the Most of Your Middle!
When we have a goal, it’s easy to get so caught up in reaching it, we forget to live and love the moments we have now.
As Mr. Schuester said: Don't ignore the middle.
It happens while you’re heading to vacation (forgetting to enjoy the excitement of the journey there) it happens when you’re saving up money to buy a car (and forget to enjoy some before you get it). And it happens in dating, when you’re so anxious to see your happy ending, you forget to enjoy your single life on the way there.
This week’s Glee finale pegged this idea. Their teacher, Will Schuester, hated how depressed the kids were about Regionals (which is a singing competition, for you non-Gleeks), which wasn’t looking promising. They felt if they weren’t going to win, why compete? It’s like you may feel in love: If you’re not going to meet the right guy or girl tomorrow, why the hell are you even bothering?
Because of the “Journey,” Mr. Shue wrote on the blackboard. Actually, it was a white board, and I appreciated that his handwriting was almost as bad as mine. But then he gave this little speech:
“One day,” he said, “all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us, will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone’s name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got, or didn’t get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it.”
Think back to your high school days. It’s happened, hasn’t it? Much of it is a hazy memory and you do forget some people’s names. And I’m here to tell you that if you walk through your life today focused on nothing but the person you want to meet in the end, the same will happen in ten years about aspects of your life today!
Do you want to think back on this time and have hazy memories of sitting on the couch pouting? Of being tense about being alone? Of waiting by a phone for someone to call? No! You want to look back and have bursting memories of your single life! Of times you and your friends took the town for a night or whisked away for a weekend. Of times you learned to speak Spanish and make pies and flew to surprise your family for an anniversary party. Of times laughing and living and learning about yourself.
Life is, like Mr. Schue says, a whole lot of middle. And I care about you too much to let you not make the most of it. Start today: Make the most of your middle.
Then tell me: What do you notice? What do you feel? What’s great about your life right now that you were forgetting to appreciate?
You might also like:
How to Live in the Moment
Are You Indentured to the Future?
Big love,
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