Let’s Talk
Cheering each other on
“I’ve had a crush on a guy friend of mine, who just kissed me. I read your book and have used the philosophy in my life. Now, being with him is indescribable. I have to pinch myself. I know he and I could really work, I always have. But my question is, now what? What do I do if I think I’ve found my half-orange?” —Lisa
What you do if you think you’ve found your half-orange? You sink into it and enjoy the moment! You enjoy yourself. I like to say that being with your half-orange will feel like you’ve had a soft landing in your living room, that you can put your feet up on the coffee table of the relationship. You no longer have to “try” too hard or act your best or be a certain way to impress this person—you can just be you, because that’s exactly who they want to be around. The more you’re you, the more they love you!
Being with your half-orange is not about questioning but about trusting and letting things fall into place. It’s freeing and fulfilling. You find yourself smiling more in a day because you’re actually happy—and lo and behold, people and your partner want to be a part of your life because you’re so happy. It’s all about being your best self and radiating a self-assuredness and confidence that is natural and ridiculously attractive.
Whatever happens from here, whether this friend of yours is meant to be your partner in love, remember this: There’s a reason for every relationship you have and for every wall you have to climb over. Each person we meet takes us one step closer to the person we’re meant to be for our healthy, half-orange relationship. And eventually, one of those people is your half-orange. I look forward to hearing that you (and others of you!) have indeed found yours.
—Amy
I’m a 41-year old single woman who’s thought a few times I’ve met my Half-Orange. (I was even engaged once but luckily broke it off.) I thought my most recent relationship was my Half-Orange, but it was bad-timing for him (he still needed to get over his divorce). So, what is up with these close calls but never quite right? Of course, I’m worried I’m too old for true love now. Help!
I must first say, No, you crazy loon, you are not too old for true love! 🙂
I know I know I know…it feels that way right now because of your close calls not amounting to anything. But I so truly believe in the idea that each person you date is bringing you one step closer to the right partner for you. And especially if each of these are such close calls, that’s actually a great sign!
When you do meet the right person, it will be clear why this bad-timing relationship wasn’t right at the right time. Maybe it’ll be him, but he’ll be over his divorce. Or maybe it will be someone else and you’ll be thanking your lucky stars this guy wasn’t ready.
My advice: Place a love order from the world. I’d find a place outside or facing outside. Take a deep breath, put a big smile on your face for 20 seconds to cool down your emotional brain, keep breathing, and calm yourself, then think about how ready you SO truly are for a real love to enter your life. Then tell the world just that—that you are ready. Say, “Okay, world, you know what? I’m ready. I’m really really ready for my big love. So please, when you’re ready for us to meet, send him my way fast. And if we’re not ready to meet yet, just send me a sign I’m on the right path. Thank you.” Really feel it all while you do it: boldly asking for what you want, the thank you, the gratefulness. Then smile, exhale, and let the world do your bidding.
It’s your time. I think that as soon as the world really knows you’re ready for it, it can come.
—Amy
I met an awesome guy three weeks ago, and I have this feeling he’s my half-orange! I think I should be staying in the present moment, but I can’t help but envision a future with him, and I’m afraid I’m holding on so tightly, I’ll squash what’s great. —C.
Thanks for the question, C! It’s totally natural to envision a future with a guy, especially one you can really see a true, happy future with. So don’t feel pressure to stop seeing that. But if thinking this way is making you “afraid” you’ll “squash” him? Read your own words there. You don’t want to be coming at any relationship with either fear you’ll ruin it or fear you’ll squash the good stuff. So as much as it’s possible when you see him next, take a few deep breaths, smile, cool down your emotional brain, slow down your pace, and try to enjoy your time together in a light, positive way.
If it helps, focus on some of the in-the-moment elements (sights, sounds, scents) that you enjoy about being with him, to keep your eye on the present as much as possible: The sound of his voice or laugh, the way you feel relaxed in your shoulders and face when you talk with him, the taste of the food you’re eating. My post on How to Live in the Moment might give you some other ideas and keep you focused on the present instead of mentally forcing him into a box of your future.
It’s like something I was telling a friend of mine recently. She worried she was being too eager and pushy with the guy she was seeing, so I told her and I’m telling you: Instead of sitting forward, sit back—literally and figuratively. If you’re at a table, instead of leaning forward on your elbows or in the chair, lean back. Take a deep breath. Take it in. Or, in general, sit back with your approach, and enjoy it as it unfolds each second.
Because, by the way, if he is your half-orange, you don’t want to miss enjoying these fun, early moments of dating, when things are still unknown and fresh and new. Bask in how fun that is, rather than looking too far or even rushing it toward the future. The future is long and you’ll have plenty of time for it!
—Amy
I’ve been working on optimism for nearly 5 months now. I’ve actually surprised myself with how well I’ve done, because it’s been so easy for me to be a pessimist. In working for so long on it and thinking all the good thoughts…when is it going to pay off? I get that you need to have faith and keep going, but once in awhile, it gets hard when you are just picturing and thinking things without living them and enjoying the result. How do you keep your hopes up some days, when you don’t know when your half-orange is going to come along after such a long wait already?
This is a question I got on a post the other day, and I answered in the comments box. But since I’ve gotten a question like this before and others may be thinking it, I thought I’d give it a proper answer here. Because, M, it’s a great one!
Really, it sounds to me like it’s already paying off—especially if you’re someone who tended to go pessimistic with your thoughts. You may not have met your half-orange yet, but dating optimism isn’t just about the end result, it’s also about how good you feel along the way. I totally get that you’re tired of feeling positive. I was there, too. And if you’d prefer to sometimes crawl under a pillow and be bummed, it’s healthy to let yourself. But let go of the pressure, too. If you’ve put your big intention out there—to end up in a happy, healthy relationship—now’s the part of the process when you can sit back, enjoy life, and let the world bring it to you.
I guess what I’m saying is that even if you’re not “doing” optimism one day, it doesn’t mean what you’ve put out there isn’t already working for you. It is! Give yourself a break. Keep putting a small intention out there every day of what you want, and understand that it sometimes takes the world a minute to get you two guys in the right place at the right time for each other. It will happen. In the meantime, the result of your optimism doesn’t just come in the form of a guy. It comes in the form of a happier life, fuller friendships, appreciating this moment in your life, reaching goals, learning new things, meeting new people, and feeling more in love with yourself and your life than ever! And that version of you, your best self, is the one your other half will meet and fall in love with.
Amy
“I know I’m not supposed to put a face on my half-orange but when I have my romantic fantasies, they are with him. Is it ok to have a crush this big on someone I’ve never really spoken to and when I am 25 years old?!” —J.
Hi J.,
Thanks so much for writing. So your real question was a bit longer, explaining that the guy you have a huge crush works at a food co-op where you live. As you said, “I have never talked to him before, besides telling him that yes, in fact, I would love my receipt in the bag [smiley]. I go to that grocery store like several times a week to ‘buy coffee and a sandwich,’ but really it’s, well, basically, to stalk him.” And that’s when you ask if it’s okay, at 25, to have a crush on this guy.
My answer? Hells yeah! Should you go for it? Absolutely. Smile back and talk to him for a second and see if you feel a connection. If not, no worries. If so, then see what happens. Just keep in mind, not every guy needs to be your half-orange, but every guy will be a step to getting there in some way. So let yourself try out dating all types of people, even faces you wouldn’t picture yourself with, because you never know. Meeting and dating all types of different people is good for you, so don’t hold back wondering “But is he my half-orange?” with anyone. Let that connection come naturally—like the organic food in the store.
Which is why, I know you’re joking when you say you’re “stalking” him, but as I say in Meeting Your Half-Orange, a dating optimist doesn’t need to stalk! If it’s supposed to happen, it will. And if it’s him, great! If not, go with the flow, see what comes and what you learn from it. The right person will reveal himself to you in due time, but the only way you’ll know is by seeing how you feel when you’re with them. So the next time he offers you a receipt, maybe give this guy an eye-lock and a confident smile that suggests you might offer your number in return. Then see what happens.
—Amy
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