Let’s Talk

This is such a great question. And my answer to you is this: Yes! Those people are optimism dampeners! I know this because I dealt with it myself.

When I told friends and family my plan—that I was going to be optimistic and see the good side of dating, that I wasn’t going to force myself to go on dates anymore, that I was going to trust my gut and not settle—not one single person said, “That’s awesome!” Most of them said things like, “That’s cool. But you know, you do have to date a little bit…” or “Good for you, though you do know you’ll have to settle at some point…” They liked that I was optimistic, but thought that in doing so, I had abandoned being realistic. I hadn’t. And neither are you.

Realism is important, but if you want to reach your dreams, you have to spread your wings outside of the realism box. You have to dream big, picture glory, and reach out and ask for the relationship you want.

When people go off-road a bit and decide to approach something in life from a new angle, it’s common for others to refer to the status quo, to say, “Ummmm, that’s not what we usually do.” I’m not blaming your friends for feeling protective of you, but I am saying you have a right to your own attitude. If you want to make an emotional change in your life, you have to stick to it no matter what your friends say. Your confidence and determination are part of the plan.

It’s kind of like what might happen if you told your friends that you wanted to learn to play the trumpet and that in six months, you’d be playing Louis Armstrong’s “A Kiss to Build a Dream On.” What might they say? Probably something like, “Whoa whoa whoa, S, maybe you should try practicing first. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself!” But the fact is, if you never set yourself the goal of playing Louis Armstrong, you’ll never play it.

Optimism is like learning an instrument. It takes practice. The more you do it, the better you get at it and the more you believe you’ll get what you’re after. So don’t worry about people who think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Optimism isn’t about pressure, it’s about believing that good things will come.

If you do feel like you’re under pressure, that you’re not feeling like your true self the majority of the time, then maybe you should ease up on your rules. Try to stick with the positive things about your dating life as much as you can, but by all means, if your last date had breath like a sick horse, you’re allowed to laugh and say so! That said, it might feel unusual being positive about your life when you’re not used to it. But keep at it like you’d keep practicing the trumpt. Follow your own heart and determination, and do as I did: Don’t let anyone dampen your dreams.

That’s my vote, anyway. If anyone has any other advice for S overcoming the pressure she’s feeling from herself or her friends, chime in!

—Amy

Hi Lisa,

Thanks so much for writing and for such a great question! I love that you’re reading the posts and taking in the info. The short answer is: I think that your gut is going to tell you what to do. I wasn’t there when you showed up at his house and he wasn’t there (but man, aargh!) and I didn’t hear what he sounded like when he asked to “hang out.” But you—through the experiences you’ve had in life, the men you’ve known, the people you’ve been treated well and poorly by—are the best radar for what’s going on. Without you even realizing it, you are able to pick up cues about his behavior and the tone of his voice and his sincerity or lack of it. So tune into that feeling in your belly of how you want to feel in your ideal relationship, and if the way he makes you feel when he does show up matches that feeling, go with it! If not, maybe he’s not be the right one.

I see your side, that if he was really digging you, he would have been waiting by that email counting the seconds until you wrote back. But your friend has a point. Guys can be clueless and maybe he just messed up. Maybe a little life got in the way. One mistake should not a break up make. We all mess up sometimes, and if it really was genuine and he really does dig you big time the way you deserve, then that will come through in the next days or dates.

So my take is don’t write him off for one blown moment, but now more than ever, tune into your gut about whether that was one moment or a sign of how he feels overall. You deserve to feel shiny and glowing and special with the right one! And deep down, if you’re looking, you’ll be able to tell whether or not he’s the guy who can make you feel that way. I hope that helps and can’t wait to hear how it turns out!

—Amy

Hi Samantha,

I’ve heard people talk about this a lot lately: wanting to go back to traditional dating. I think it’s something we all long for in life overall, because so much of what we do is getting lost. We don’t call each other, we text. We don’t send beautiful hand-written thank you notes, we send emails. We don’t create adorned invitations, we eVite. And instead of being wooed by gentlemen callers, we sign up to meet for coffee through computer match-ups, or just hook up after a few too many cocktails.

If you’re really not feeling online dating right now, no problem. Don’t do it. Because when you’re looking for love, you only want to engage in things that make you feel happy and fulfilled—so if online dating makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s not going to help your love life! As I talk about in Meeting Your Half-Orange, you want to meet the love of your life when you’re feeling like your very best and most authentic self, so do the things that make you feel that way.

I recently suggested some specific advice about this on Lemondrop.com: “Where the Nice Guys Are Hiding.” What I basically explain is that you’re most likely going to find guys you want to date in the places that make you comfortable and bring out your best. So if going to a singles bar alone makes you quiver with awkwardness, don’t do it! Instead, go to a free night of local music. Or, even better, as I say on Lemondrop, head to the everyday places guys tend to linger: the coffee shop, the bookstore, the Mac store waiting for their turn at the Genius bar. These places don’t have to cost you a dime, and they may be spots you swing through all the time. The key is not in the places you go, but in the energy you’re giving out where you are.

The good news is that you’re in your hometown again, which is a wonderful place to re-connect with the feelings of new love, and to remember who you really are deep down, at heart.

What I do want to stress, though, is that it’s not important how you actually “meet” someone—because however oddly-modern a meeting might be, I assure you that if you find someone you like, the bursts of romance and love will feel as gorgeously traditional as ever. You know, you’ll want to make popcorn and curl up on the couch together. You’ll want to talk on the phone until dawn, when your ear gets too hot and you’re daring each other to hang up. You’ll want to write love poems and carve your initials in the sand. Modern technology has nuthin‘ on the old-fashioned butterflies of new love.

So keep being you, and living and loving your life. The happier you are, the more you’re going to naturally attract the right person straight to you. Other optimists, do you have any other advice for Samantha?

Amy

Hey Caroline,

Thanks for the question! But, see, this is where social media confuses things. If all you had was a phone and he didn’t call it, you’d have your answer: He’s not interested enough to follow up. But in the world of “Friending” and cold messaging it can get complicated.

Here’s my thing: I’m a believer that when men want to take you out, they ask you out—the He’s Just Not That Into You theory. If this guy really wants to have that Guacamole-off, he should call or email or text and ask you. He’s the one who brought it up, so he should be the one doing the work!

If, however, you’re more the, “Oh, what the hell, I’m a modern woman and I’d rather find out once and for all” type, here’s what I’d suggest: If you Facebook message him, provide a direct invite—and I mean a direct invite. Don’t just say, “You should come to Los Feliz sometime,” which still leaves things hanging. Instead, say something like, “What are you up to next Tuesday?” and have some idea for something to do—just the two of you—like a specific sushi happy hour or, of course, that guacamole-off. Then he’ll either accept or he’ll decline and you’ll know if he’s either into you or if he’s not. You either stay or you go. You either chop some avocados or you don’t.

What you don’t want is for the two of you to randomly reference maybe hanging out some day for the next four months and it just fizzling into nothing. Why? Because all the little things you do along the way to a date add up to something big. Every text you send, every Facebook posting you reply to, every date you jump at, these are all creating an impression of you as a whole. And letting a guy drag out the social media communication for days or weeks or months is only creating the impression of you that you can be dragged along. Don’t let him do that! So make your decision and make it fast. Either you ask him out or you lose his number and see if he comes to his senses.

The news might not be good after you strike the gavel with your decision, but at least you will know either way if this is going to happen right now. And once you know, you can either give him a shot at your heart, or keep it wide open for someone else who can better appreciate it!

What do you guys think? Should she Facebook message him? Ask him out? Ignore him?

Amy