Being yourself

Cheering each other on

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Yep, still laughing out loud every week at How I Met Your Mother.

Robin "takes a break" (Image: CBS.com)

And this week’s episode hit on something I talk about in my upcoming book Meeting Your Half-Orange (February 2010, Running Press). We’ll call it the “I’m taking a break from dating” technique.

After Robin (Cobie Smulders) and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) broke up last week, he took the opportunity to pull out his old playbook and pick up on as many women as possible. Robin, for her part, went the other route, saying she was taking a break from love to focus back on herself. This is how her conversation with the boys went, when she said she wanted to focus on…

Robin: “My career. That’s my number one focus right now. From now on, no more dating, it’s all about work. . . I’m taking a break from all that.

Ted: Mmm, mmm Marshall…it’s totally gonna happen.

Marshall: So gonna happen.

Robin: What’s gonna happen?

Ted: You’re gonna fall in love.

Marshall: So soon.

Robin: Ha ha, not likely. I’m focusing on my career. I’m done with dating.

Ted: No, okay, we’re playing The Pyramid? Okay… “Things People Say Right Before They Meet The Love of Their Life.”

Why do I love that conversation? Let me count the ways. Because the essence of my book about dating optimism is that you need to become the best, most absolutely authentic and happy you there is. In other words, take the focus off of dating and back onto yourself.

Why do so many people meet the loves of their lives the minute they announce, “I give up” or “I’m over it” or, like Robin, “I’m going to focus on my career”? Because the minute you take the focus off of the endless pursuit of love is the minute you actually settle into a comfortable, happy, content version of yourself: the you that isn’t scouring online dating sites every 2o minutes, the you that isn’t emailing every married friend you have and asking to be set up, the you that isn’t trying to hit three events a night with a panicked look on your face as you scan the room for single people you like.

Try it. Try Robin’s “I’m taking a break from dating” technique. Exhale all that pressure that’s been building up inside you as the clock ticks by and you fear you’ll never find someone. Then inhale yourself again—the most real, happy version of you there is. Focus on work for a while. Focus on your family. Spend quality time with your friends in locations where you can’t meet anyone. Do some things you’ve always meant to try with the intention of feeling good about yourself, nothing more.

Because it’s then—when you are the best, more natural version of yourself—that the person you’re meant to be with will be able to recognize you. The sooner you become the person you want to be in your ideal, happy relationship, the sooner your half-orange will show up!

You might also like:
How I Met Your…Quirks

Big love,

Tags: How I Met Your Mother
Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on Robin’s “Take a Break from Dating” Technique

3 Sure Signs You WILL Find Someone!

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

One of my favorite single phrases—one I’ve uttered lots myself—was “I’m never going to find anyone.”

Your true match is out there, too! (Image: AS)

Your perfect match is out there, too! (Image: AS)

And if you’ve said it, you know it comes with the same exhausted tone you say other things like that: “I’m never going to get all this work done.” “I’m never having another drink as long as I live” or “I’m never going to live this down.” Of course, you know what happens: You get the work done. You have another drink (sometimes a Bloody Mary right then, to wash the pain of those last ones away). And because people’s attention spans are shorter than you think, you always live it down.

Which is why I know in love, you will find your half-orange. Here are three sure signs that I speak the truth:

1. You’re freaking, uh, awesome. Is there anyone else who talks like you? (Yet probably still hates the way you sound in a tape recording as much as you do?) Is there anyone else who dances like you, eats like you, sings, writes, or smirks like you? Not even close. You’re one of a kind. We all are. And every one of a kind has a great match to balance us out. You just may not have met yours yet. But as awesome as you are…you will.

2. You care enough to worry you won’t meet someone…which is a good sign! You know what they say: The true sign you’re over something (or some-dumb-ass-one) is not passionately saying you’re over it or them, but feeling true indifference. And indifference isn’t going to get you love. What will? Deeply desiring it in your heart and expecting you deserve. Your passion for love is a sign that when it comes, you’ll make it great.

3. The right person takes time. Dreams don’t happen overnight—as much as it may seem like they do. Hello, did you know that Katy Perry, the pop rock star, was signed and dumped by three record labels before she finally hit it big with her, ahem, “overnight” hit song “I Kissed a Girl”? Great things come with a little time, a lot of thought, and the stars aligning. So let this time you’re single teach you a few things about yourself each and every day, and look at the delay as a great sign that you’re not going to end up with just anyone—you’re going to end up with an absolutely perfect someone for you.

You might also like:
You’re So Hot
You’re Mad-About-Able

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on 3 Sure Signs You WILL Find Someone!

How Awesome Are You? Try the “Auction” Trick

Thursday, November 5th, 2009

You ever have one of those “Damn, I’m awesome” kind of days? You know, you’re looking cute, you’re feeling smart, and if someone doesn’t seem interested in dating you, you blow it off with a “tsk” and a “They just don’t know what they’re missing” kind of line.

And then there are those other days… You know, when you wake up, dwell on your downsides, and wonder: “Who in the world is going to want to be with someone like me?” If you’re ever feeling a little down on you, here’s how to build yourself the heck back up through a trick I like to call “You: The Auction.”

Do you make an mouthwatering Linguine with Clam Sauce? PUT IT ON THE LIST! (Image: AS)

Here’s how it works: The charity of your choice is doing an auction to raise money for their organization. Maybe it’s for animal rights or cancer research or a children’s school you’d do anything to help. It turns out, they need your help to put their funding over the top…by auctioning you off on a date to the highest bidder! All they need is a list of your 10 Best Qualities to list on the auction lot.

The more unique, the better. I mean, sure, being “nice” and “funny” are fine, but the more “you” you make your list, the more someone will want to bid for you, and the more money you’ll bring in for your charity. So let’s hear ’em:

Maybe you…

…know how to make delicious Chinese dumplings or Chicken Pot Pie.

…look especially hot as hell in that one pair of jeans.

…are a super-fast reader.

…can create a mean dance track on GarageBand.

…do have pretty gorgeous eyes, actually.

…can handle a stick shift like an Indy driver.

…know all the lyrics to The Golden Girls theme song.

Make your own list, of course. Think about it now, or come up with a few the next time you’re stuck at a traffic light. Be bold and big about your great qualities. This is no time for modesty—this is for a good cause! Then, whenever you’re having a down day, just remind yourself of the gifts that helped you make yourself a bestseller.

Remember, as odd or inconsequential things about you may seem sometimes, these are the things that make you stand out from the pack. It would bring in bank for a charity auction, and it’ll help you know when a match is right for you because this time they’ll be the ones saying, “Damn, you’re awesome.”

You might also like:
3 Tricks to Flip Your Frustration
Steal This Love Trick from Rachel Zoe

Big love and happy listing,

Tags: auction, dating, single, what you're doing right
Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on How Awesome Are You? Try the “Auction” Trick

Take My Halloween Dating Test!

Friday, October 30th, 2009

I have a theory about Halloween: It’s the one day out of the year when you can don the costume of any character in life…and this says a lot about what you need in love.

A great jack-o-lantern I found online (I wish I knew who carved it!)

Think about it: Brunettes can go blonde. Short girls can wear towering heels. Guys who played on the football team can wear ladies’ dresses and lipstick. And women who wear stuffy suits to the office can show up at a party in short skirts as “sexy flight attendants” or “sexy nurses” or “sexy sanitation workers” for that matter.

What’s my theory? That the one costume you’re most dying to slip into is the one of a role you don’t feel often enough—which means it’s something you should seek out more of as you look for your ideal relationship. If you think about it, it’s not just “witch”-ful thinking.

So here’s the test: What costume were you thinking about this year? And now that you think about it…what do you think this says about the role you don’t play often enough?

Are you a…brunette who wants to go blonde? If so, you’re probably women who feel they don’t break out of their safe, predictable, smart shell often enough. If this sounds like you, perhaps it’s time you started seeking a relationship that made you feel a bit more alive.

Are you a…short girl who wants to wear high heels? If so, you’re probably tired of playing the “cute” and “small” role and want to feel bolder and taller and bigger every now and then. If this is you, perhaps you should seek a relationship with someone who isn’t patting you on the head, but sees you as a force to be reckoned with.

Are you a…person who wants to dress wacky for a laugh? If so, you may be someone who likes being known for your brainac ideas or wacky point of view or flat-out goofy look. And maybe Halloween is your one time to shine. If this is you, you should make sure that the people you date think you’re God’s gift to comedy. Because if someone doesn’t think your jokes are funny now, things will get unfunny pretty fast. Make ’em laugh on Halloween and every holiday to come.

Are you…a guy who wants to dress like a girl? Sure, most guys will say it’s just for the joke, but deep down (really deep down, maybe) they may also be so tired of being so manly and tough and strong; maybe they like the feeling of being lighter and more feminine for just one day. If this is you (shhh, I won’t tell anyone), perhaps you’re ready for a woman who can pull out that soft side from within you, who puts you in touch with your real feelings.

Are you a…woman who wants to wear a “sexy” costume? Well, that’s probably something we all want a little more of in life and love. And I think we all deserve to get it! So be sure to find a partner who thinks you are sexy as hell whether you’re dressed like a flight attendant or you’re wearing your sweats to bed.

Whatever your costume this year, have a boo-tiful weekend, eat as many Reeses cups as you can, and toast the pumpkin seeds for a few seconds longer than you think you should. Mmmm, toasty. And let your potential costume guide you even closer to the person you’re most meant to be with.

You might also like:
Take the Menu Challenge
The Coffee Test
The Freakin’ Fun Dating List

Big love and big BOOOO!

Tags: halloween
Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on Take My Halloween Dating Test!

You’re So Hot

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

We all go through those days where we’re hating how we look—the ol’, “Ugh, there’s nothing flattering in my closet, and even if there was, I don’t fit into it anyway.”

You shine more than you know

And if people you’re meeting aren’t jumping at the chance to jump all over you, it’s easy to wonder if anyone will ever find you as hot as you deserve to feel. Well, it’s time to do a reality check on how gorgeous and awesome you really are.

Here’s one way to do it: Ask yourself this: “Do you have any attractive friends? Just one pal who is cute or sexy or crazy-beautiful with confidence?” Then congratulations, you’re hot!

University of Wisconsin researcher April Bleske-Recheck, Ph.D., conducted a study some months back that found humans tend to socialize in a similar-looking social network. It creates competition, she says, but it also attracts similar-looking mates, which is a benefit much greater than the competition.

Ahhh, so there you have it. Women, you’re as cute and sexy and crazy-beautiful as any of those women you work with or hang around with. Guys, you’re as cool and hot as any of the men in your social circle, too. And as soon as someone worthy of you comes along, he or she will notice what makes you stand out from your group in just the right way. They’ll see you as hotter than the rest, inside and out. Remind yourself of that every single day.

You might also like:
Be Happy That…
3 Big Reasons Your Life Rocks (Yes, Your Life!)

Big love,