Optimisms
Cheering each other on
You’re mad-about-able!
I’ve got to give it to my BFF Todd Bush for this one. Todd’s always good at coming up with juuust what you want to hear when you need to hear it. And when our friend Katy was lamenting her state of single-hood yesterday, Todd was ready to bounce her back to her state of awesome-ness.
You're bursting with wonderful stuff (Image by: Ken Spencer)
“I just don’t understand why I can’t find anyone I fit with,” said Katy. “I want to meet someone who’s totally, utterly, mad about me.”
“You will,” said Todd.
“How do you know?” asked Katy.
“Because,” he said, “you’re mad-about-able.”
When they told me about that conversation, I felt as happy as Katy did to hear it. The truth is, we’re all mad-about-able in our own ways. Each of us has qualities that some guy or some girl will go absolutely nuts to be near. I talk about this in Meeting Your Half-Orange: Those things that may turn some people off now—your funny turkey dance, your terrible parallel parking, your bizarre peanut-butter combination sandwiches, your messing up on joke punch lines, or your laugh-snort when someone gets it right—these are not “buts” to be reckoned with, they’re bonuses! And the right person won’t like you in spite of those things, they’ll love you because of those things.
It’s the unique qualities in all of us that make us not just like-able, but mad-about-able. So keep doing your dance and laughing your snort and tell the world you’re ready for the person who’ll be mad for all of it. And if they’re smart enough to be yours, they’ll snatch you up for good.
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Big love,
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
And no, I’m not quoting the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally (the “I”ll have what she’s having” part) or anything else untoward. What I am quoting is the title of the Jim Carrey movie I recently flipped past on cable: Yes Man.
Yes indeed-y.
Did you see it? The one where Jim goes to the motivational meeting and they tell him that from now on, he has to say “yes” to everything that comes his way? He has to say yes when a homeless person asks for money. Yes when they ask for a ride. And yes when he’s offered a penis enhancement on the internet. It’s a goofy concept, sure, but it’s something we could all do to remember now and then. Today, let yes be your guide—especially when it comes to love.
Here’s why: We’re so used to looking at men or women we meet and finding the no. He’s nice, but he’s a bartender. She’s great, but she lives with five guys. He’s funny, but he’s a little dorky. She’s smart, but she’s meek. The next time you’re dating, find the yes!
Don’t count all the reasons a date could be out, count the reasons he or she could be in. Rip off the con column and circle the pros! That isn’t to say you have to start going out with people you don’t like, or dragging yourself through dates with someone you know you’ll never want to marry. This is just to say that if you practice looking at the world through positive glasses, you’ll see a lot more out there. Today, look at the yes.
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Big love,
Take My Halloween Dating Test!
I have a theory about Halloween: It’s the one day out of the year when you can don the costume of any character in life…and this says a lot about what you need in love.
A great jack-o-lantern I found online (I wish I knew who carved it!)
Think about it: Brunettes can go blonde. Short girls can wear towering heels. Guys who played on the football team can wear ladies’ dresses and lipstick. And women who wear stuffy suits to the office can show up at a party in short skirts as “sexy flight attendants” or “sexy nurses” or “sexy sanitation workers” for that matter.
What’s my theory? That the one costume you’re most dying to slip into is the one of a role you don’t feel often enough—which means it’s something you should seek out more of as you look for your ideal relationship. If you think about it, it’s not just “witch”-ful thinking.
So here’s the test: What costume were you thinking about this year? And now that you think about it…what do you think this says about the role you don’t play often enough?
Are you a…brunette who wants to go blonde? If so, you’re probably women who feel they don’t break out of their safe, predictable, smart shell often enough. If this sounds like you, perhaps it’s time you started seeking a relationship that made you feel a bit more alive.
Are you a…short girl who wants to wear high heels? If so, you’re probably tired of playing the “cute” and “small” role and want to feel bolder and taller and bigger every now and then. If this is you, perhaps you should seek a relationship with someone who isn’t patting you on the head, but sees you as a force to be reckoned with.
Are you a…person who wants to dress wacky for a laugh? If so, you may be someone who likes being known for your brainac ideas or wacky point of view or flat-out goofy look. And maybe Halloween is your one time to shine. If this is you, you should make sure that the people you date think you’re God’s gift to comedy. Because if someone doesn’t think your jokes are funny now, things will get unfunny pretty fast. Make ’em laugh on Halloween and every holiday to come.
Are you…a guy who wants to dress like a girl? Sure, most guys will say it’s just for the joke, but deep down (really deep down, maybe) they may also be so tired of being so manly and tough and strong; maybe they like the feeling of being lighter and more feminine for just one day. If this is you (shhh, I won’t tell anyone), perhaps you’re ready for a woman who can pull out that soft side from within you, who puts you in touch with your real feelings.
Are you a…woman who wants to wear a “sexy” costume? Well, that’s probably something we all want a little more of in life and love. And I think we all deserve to get it! So be sure to find a partner who thinks you are sexy as hell whether you’re dressed like a flight attendant or you’re wearing your sweats to bed.
Whatever your costume this year, have a boo-tiful weekend, eat as many Reeses cups as you can, and toast the pumpkin seeds for a few seconds longer than you think you should. Mmmm, toasty. And let your potential costume guide you even closer to the person you’re most meant to be with.
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Big love and big BOOOO!
Love Lesson from a Serial Killer
Did I just say a serial killer? Well, yes. Because Dexter Morgan is no ordinary serial killer.
And if you don’t know who or what Dexter is, check it out on Showtime, or rent the first seasons on DVD, because it’s tremendously gripping and moving and fun, and every week leaves you thinking, Am I really rooting for a serial killer to not get caught?
This last week’s episode—without giving much away to those of you who TiVo or save up to watch marathons—had one of the most touching, tear-inducing scenes I’ve seen in four seasons when Dexter’s sister Deb stood in a parking lot crying because she thought she was “broken” in relationships.
This is what Deb—played incredibly this week by Jennifer Carpenter—said to Dexter (played by Michael C. Hall) as she tried to breathe through her sobs:
“It doesn’t matter what I do or what I choose. I’m what’s wrong. Nothing I can do about it. If I’m not hurting myself, I’m hurting everyone around me. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m broken.”
Deb (played by Jennifer Carpenter): A great cop, a broken heart
There was no happy ending line that made everything right for her heart this episode, but I’m mentioning it because that’s sometimes how life is: Sometimes things hurt so bad you think you’ll never get over it. Sometimes bad things happen that you have no control over, or you can’t explain. And sometimes we all feel “broken,” like we can’t get anything right and we’re doomed to failure and feeling alone.
But please know that if you ever feel as low as Deb expressed in this episode: Tears and fear are part of the path of life—and proof that you’re healthy and emotionally advanced. You can’t feel great happiness unless you’re able to feel great pain. And the way I see it, if you’re feeling pain now, it means the happiness is on the other end of the seesaw just waiting to take its turn.
Whitney Houston says it best in her song “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength”:
“Survived the darkest hour, my faith kept me alive, I picked myself back up, hold my head up high,
I was not built to break. I didn’t know my own strength.“
Whether you’re facing a heartwrenching, life-altering time or just having a really, really, really bad day when it feels like your half-orange in love will never come your way, it’s part of life’s path for you. If you can feel this deeply in sadness, you can feel this deeply in love. And Whitney’s right: You were not built to break.
Too bad we all don’t have a Dexter who can try to heal our pain…by killing the bad people who hurt us! (Watch out Trinity…)
Big love,
You’re So Hot
We all go through those days where we’re hating how we look—the ol’, “Ugh, there’s nothing flattering in my closet, and even if there was, I don’t fit into it anyway.”
You shine more than you know
And if people you’re meeting aren’t jumping at the chance to jump all over you, it’s easy to wonder if anyone will ever find you as hot as you deserve to feel. Well, it’s time to do a reality check on how gorgeous and awesome you really are.
Here’s one way to do it: Ask yourself this: “Do you have any attractive friends? Just one pal who is cute or sexy or crazy-beautiful with confidence?” Then congratulations, you’re hot!
University of Wisconsin researcher April Bleske-Recheck, Ph.D., conducted a study some months back that found humans tend to socialize in a similar-looking social network. It creates competition, she says, but it also attracts similar-looking mates, which is a benefit much greater than the competition.
Ahhh, so there you have it. Women, you’re as cute and sexy and crazy-beautiful as any of those women you work with or hang around with. Guys, you’re as cool and hot as any of the men in your social circle, too. And as soon as someone worthy of you comes along, he or she will notice what makes you stand out from your group in just the right way. They’ll see you as hotter than the rest, inside and out. Remind yourself of that every single day.
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Big love,
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