Optimisms
Cheering each other on
How Do You Feel? No, Really…
When I was single, I got pretty good at burying my feelings. For those of you who’ve read Meeting Your Half-Orange, you’ll remember me talking about this: I didn’t want people to think I was feeling down about being single, so if anyone asked, I said, “I love being single! It’s a blast!” I did love it sometimes, so I thought I was being genuine. But the truth was, I wanted a relationship—I just thought it would sound lame of me to say so.
However you feel...feel it.
Why is it that we cover up our feelings this way? Why do we apologize for them? We’ve all said at some point, “I’m sorry I’m getting so angry about this,” or “I’m sorry…I can’t feel excited!” The fact is, feelings are good! And to be a healthy person in a happy relationship, we all need to accept and embrace the ones we’re having so we know where we really stand in life.
That’s why when my friend Pam passed along this web site she discovered through a friend of hers (which was passed on to me by Todd last night), I ate it up. We Feel Fine (located here at wefeelfine.org) is a genius program that collects the words from anyone on the web who writes the words “I feel…” The creators, Sep Kamvar and Jonathan Harris call their 2005 creation “An Almanac of Human Emotion,” and “a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 – 20,000 new feelings per day.” Wow, right?
On the first page of the site, you have an option to “Open We Feel Fine,” which brings to you “The Madness”: hundreds of colored dots flying around the screen you can click on to see what someone in some country has been feeling. Things like “better” “ok” “super” and “alone” might come up. Take the option of clicking “Murmurs” and you get to watch scrolling postings of people being more particular: “I feel like talking about it,” “I feel like a dumbass” “I feel the acne about to come out,” and as someone from Victoria, Australia wrote, “I feel like I’m walking toward a brick wall and am going to hit it.” On other screens, you can even isolate a gender, an age, a city or a mood so you can see how others relate to you.
The "Madness" of WeFeelFine.or
The reason I’m so enthralled with this site? It’s a reminder that feelings are natural and healthy. Every single one of them (it’s acting on some of those “going postal” ones that screws things up). We all go through ups and downs in life, and it’s good for us. We can watch a feeling come and land on us. Acknowledge it. Embrace it for a second or an hour with a laugh, a cry, a shiver. And then, we can move on.
Being a dating optimist isn’t about putting on a happy face every time you’re feeling sad; it’s about acknowledging your true feelings now, and seeing a happier future for yourself—being certain that the experience you’re having today is leading you toward a great relationship. And that’s worth smiling about when you’re ready.
One tip that will help? While you’re playing with We Feel Fine (because you will want to!) don’t just focus on the powerfully sad stuff. Also look at how good some people are feeling, too. Go to the “Mounds” section and seek out how some strangers feel “confident” and “brave” and “free” and “pretty,” “important,” “able” and “blessed.” While you address and acknowledge how “alone” or “weird” or “unloved” or “troubled” you feel, see if there’s some area of your life that you can find a ray of feeling good, too, just for a minute. Because that’s about how long it will be until the whole site is refreshed with brand new feelings from a new batch of thousands across the world. We all feel something. Be true to how you do.
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The Toils: A Good Thing
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Big love,
Sandra Bullock: Some Oscar Speech Optimism!
And the winner for the most moving Oscar speech of the night goes to…Sandra Bullock. I saw and loved The Blind Side—like, tears-streaming-down-my-neck loved. I was happy to see that Sandra not only got credit for moving so many people in the movie, but that she moved so many people in her speech, too.
In fact, Sandra said three things in particular that made me think of you, because the messages are universal and speak volumes about the love you may be seeking in life.
Sandra Bullock gave good speech
SANDRA MOMENT #1: “Everyone who’s shown me kindness when it wasn’t fashionable, I thank you. To everyone who was mean to me when it wasn’t…like, George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago, I’m still holding a grudge…”
Yes, she was joking about Clooney, but she makes a seriously solid point here. Everyone you’ve ever had a relationship with—your lovers, your friends, your parents, your high school sweethearts, your previous boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands or wives—have made you who you are today. They have taught you lessons, shown you what you want in love and what you don’t. Whether they were kind to you or hurt you, these are the people worth thanking. With time and determination to grow positively from it, you will be the better for it.
SANDRA MOMENT #2: “If I can take this moment to thank Helga B . . . for making me practice every day when I got home: piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist you had to practice every day.
Why do I highlight this part? Because optimism takes practice, too. I explain all of this in Meeting Your Half-Orange, how it doesn’t come second-nature to everyone. In fact, it didn’t come second-nature to me when I was single and needed it most, even though I was born and raised an optimist.
Trust me, I get it. When life is looking lonely and you fear a future with no one loving you in it, it’s natural to want to hug the emotions you’re used to: Defeat. Disappointment. Mistrust. Self-protection. Sadness. You name it, I felt it when I was single, too. But for you to become the joyful, strong, confident, interesting, passionate, hopeful person you’re meant to be, you have to practice your positivity. You have to practice taking a new view on your life! Because the better you get at doing that, the faster your true love will find you.
SANDRA MOMENT #3: “…and for reminding her daughters that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no special orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So to that trailblazer who allowed me to have that [husband Jesse James]…”
I think we should all say this again and again to ourselves: We are all deserving of love. So if you feel deep down that you aren’t good enough to deserve the great love others have, you’re wrong. Or, on the other hand, if you feel deep down that you have such abundance in life that you couldn’t possibly ask for a great love, too, you’re wrong. Like the uplifting message we were reminded of in my post about the adorable show Glee, A Glee-ful Reminder, every single one of us deserves and can have a great love. Problems, issues, luck, pasts aside, look at where your life is today and give yourself the gift of asking for a relationship that will make you shine.
And so I ask you, dear readers: What surprising person might be in your Oscar speech about love? Which someone you’ve known or dated or loved or been raised by or been hurt by would you thank for making you who you are? If you thank your past, you’ll be better equipped to give more of yourself to your future partner.
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Oh, Sherri: Her Lessons in Love
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Big Oscar love,
Date Like American Idol is Judging You!
There’s always such a big difference between Week One and Week Two in American Idol, isn’t there? The songs get a little longer. Kara gets so close to Simon she may as well be on his lap begging for him to have her. And the contestants get more confident and come out of their singing shells.
The key to life and love: Believability
This week, I loved how one girl, Michelle Delamour, came into her own. Michelle—who looks so much like my friend Angela it’s nutty—did a diva version of a Creed song. When she was through, Kara DioGuardi said it was her “favorite performance” of hers. Why? Kara explained:
It may have not been technically perfect, but it felt believable for once. You took a risk, you have a good attitude in this game. You listen and you’re trying. You believe in it, and I bought it.
This, I think, is how we should all aim to live and date. It’s not about being technically perfect in this lifetime of ours. It’s about being so true to ourselves that we’re believable.
If you’re looking to meet your half-orange, the last thing you want is to go on a date, fake your way through being more refined or laid back or lighthearted or serious than you really are, and then lose the chance to be with someone because they didn’t “believe” you. And that’s what happens when you spend time with people who aren’t being real or if you’re not real yourself: Things seem off. You don’t connect. The date goes “technically” okay, but there’s no spark.
Give yourself the chance to feel that spark! Don’t try to be someone you think the judges or your coworkers or your friends or your dates want you to be. The way to get a spark with other human beings in this world is to be real—to be as Kara said of Michelle, believable. Pretend this is your Week Two and let your real self show so you’ll really be able decide if you want to dial the numbers and keep each other around for another week.
You might also like:
Janet Jackson: Are You Doing You?
How I Met Your Mother’s “Take a Break From Dating” Technique
Big love,
Baseball and The Bachelor: Believe
In honor of The Bachelor finale tonight, I wanted to pass along some sage advice you fellow show fans may remember from The Bachelorette in June 2008. And it came from one of the most unlikely sources: major league baseball legend and Dodgers manager, Tommy LaSorda.
Tommy LaSorda: Love coach! (Image: Dodgers.com)
On this particular episode, Tommy was giving a pep talk to the guys trying to win bachelorette Deanna’s heart. And this is what he said:
“You know the thing is, this is serious business, here. Because she may pick one of you out, and maybe spend the rest of her life with you. If you believe in yourself, if you believe that you’re gonna be the guy that’s going to win this young lady, you got a good chance of doing it. So make sure that you are going to give this thing every ounce of energy, every bit of effort, all the determination that you have within you. Do you believe that you’re the guy who’s gonna do it? Tell me, say, I believe!”
I want you to take those words to heart yourself, because, as Tommy says, this is serious business.
If you believe in yourself and you believe that there could be a guy or woman out there who’s going to win your heart, you will find him or her. Give it all you have and you can have it.
Big love,
Can You Be a Cynical Optimist?
I’ve been asked by a few people who want to be optimistic about love who are worried becuase they feel they’re just not the positive, peppy, puppy-loving, rainbow-decorating type. What if you hope it rains? What if you prefer snarling about your co-workers to team-building with them? What if you think romantic comedies are trite and calculated and The Bachelor is insulting?
Happy or snarky, everyone deserves a someone. (Image: AS)
They want to know—and so might you—can you be cynical and still be a dating optimist?
The good news is…you can.
Our personalities are all different, and cynical, snarky types need their match as much as the bubbly, positive ones. And that’s because positivity and optimism are actually different, which is interesting. Positivity is a feeling, and optimism is a belief. Positivity is about all that smiling and feeling happy, while optimism means that whoever you are—positive or cynical—you simply believe that your life will work out well.
And love, really, is optimistic at its core: We go into a relationship hoping it will work out, not assuming that it won’t. And if you do try to go into a relationship assuming it won’t work out? Your attitude and energy will likely fulfill the prophecy. But this is why I suggest positivity to cynics, too. I know it hurts sometimes to smile for ten seconds, but smiling and feeling good creates a warm, welcoming feeling within and around you that makes the give-and-take and openness of a healthy relationship come more easily.
So if you’re a cynic—or you know one you want to pass this on to—I say, be your authentic self and embrace who you are and how you feel, but when it comes to dating, give yourself the gift of optimism—the simple belief that there is a partner who is perfectly right for you and who can make this terrible, awful world a little more bearable and, dare I say, a bit brighter.
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The Don’ts of Liz Lemon’s Dealbreakers
Big love,
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