Optimisms
Cheering each other on
There’s No Bliss Without the Pain!
It’s probably more likely that you women will know about the film I’m about to mention, but I found a love lesson in it that’s worth passing on to all of you.
Filmmakers Abby Epstein and Ricki Lake
The movie? Ricki Lake’s The Business of Being Born. It’s an incredible documentary film about childbirth and how hospitals handle it in our culture these days. I watched it a few months ago, and came across it recently. And this time, I was moved by the words of one female expert, who said this about natural childbirth compared to a surgical C-section that I wanted to pass on.
“You get the highest oxytocin rush you’ll ever have in your life when you give birth naturally. You will go into an altered state of consciousness, and in a kind of a state of “Yes, there’s bliss” and “Yes, there’s pain” and it’s all tied up together and you cannot have the bliss without the pain.”
Now, I haven’t had a kid yet and would like to, and after seeing this film, the idea of natural childbirth sounds amazing—but, hey, we’ll see what happens when those labor pains start hitting and like every other woman, I want to shout “Get the druuuuuugs!”
But this isn’t a post about childbirth. This is a post about dating. Because there is no C-section for dating. There is no magical, surgical, pain-free version of finding love. Dating is a natural process we all have to struggle through to make it to the other side and find love. And yes, there’s bliss and yes, there’s pain, and it’s all tied up together. You cannot have one without the other. Without a little heartbreak or rejection by the wrong person, how would you ever be freed up for the right one?
So just remember that if you feel a little pain coming. It’s like labor. It’ll come in spurts, and it’ll hurt, but it’s all a sign that at the end of that road is a blissful, incredible loving relationship that is so worth it—that sends such a rush of oxytocin through your body and soul—that you won’t remember a lick of the pain it took to get you there. The bliss makes it all worth it.
You might also like:
Embrace Your Embarrassments!
Time to Un-do an Un-Relationship?
Big love,
High School Reunion: Can We Change?
Well, as planned yesterday, I spent the rainy evening curled up on the couch watching about a dozen different shows on TV—and the one I was most giddy about starting was High School Reunion on TVLand. Dang, that’s a good show. If you don’t watch it, it’s wildly complex: It’s about all these people who have…a high school reunion.
Joe and Rachelle (Image: TVLand.com)
Anyway, this year it’s the 20 year reunion of Chaparral High in Vegas, and I think what draws me to the show most is that those reality cameras, over two weeks in Hawaii, dive into one of the deepest and most ultimate philosophical questions: Can people change?
This guy John, for instance, was apparently an ignorant jerk in high school, and still is today. Cyndi, the high school nerd, was never accepted back then by the sexy “Summer Girls,” and still feels like an outsider so far. And the Summer Girls? They were pretty then and pretty now (plus Botox and boob jobs), but as they showed this week, there may be some warmth and wisdom behind those tans. We’ll see.
But the three dating players this week were Jodi, Joe and Rachelle. Jodi was a cheerleader who dated the football hunk Joe Basso in high school—though Joe used to cheat on her consistently. And Rachelle, who was pretty but hidden behind an overbearing boyfriend in high school, just got out of a bad marriage and is gorgeous now.
Jodi and Joe shared a kiss on the first night of the reunion. But by day two he was making out with Rachelle in a natural rock hotel pool. Both women then reflected on what this meant for their lives, and both weighed in on the ultimate question of change.
Jodi, watching Joe off with another woman as usual, said: “In twenty years, nothing about Joe has changed.”
Rachelle, after kissing Joe, said, “It gives me so much hope that love is still in the cards for me.”
Here’s what this show is reminding me about change: We cannot change other people. Jodi can’t change Joe Basso and no one seems to be able to get through to pigheaded John. We try—oh, we try—but we cannot change other people. What we can change, however, is ourselves. We can change how we think. How we see things. The choices we make. The baggage we let go of. The hope we choose to hold onto. The people on High School Reunion are evidence that some things about us stay the same unless we make a determined effort to do or think differently. Change is possible if we choose it.
If you don’t like your pessimism, change how you see what happens to you! If you don’t like your weight, change what you eat! If you don’t like the people you continue to date and be hurt by, change who you date! I know it’s easier written than done, but it can be done. People change every day.
Jodi, as crushed as she was, forgave Joe for putting her through the ringer in high school, and chose to wish him well in life. “I want you to be happy,” she said. And afterward, she felt freer and lighter for it, the weight of twenty years of pain lifted. She chose to look forward instead of back. And Rachelle is doing the same thing. She’s leaving her bad relationships behind and hoping for the best. Whatever happens with Joe, at least she gets to feel giddy about a guy again.
Learn from this nutty TVLand show. The next time you want to date someone you wish would change, stop thinking about who they could be with the right push or fix or potential (Maybe he’ll get a better job! Maybe she’ll start being nicer! Maybe he’ll change his mind and want kids after all!). You cannot change other people unless they want to change themselves. Instead, change how you see your life. Change the choices you make about the people who deserve your time. Change what you’ll put up with and only accept the best for yourself. And, like, Rachelle, choose to see how clearly love is in the cards for you.
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Big love,
A Change is Gonna Come
Damn, I’m a sucker for American Idol. Every year I swear I’m not going to watch the next season, because it sucks up too much of my time. And every year, I’m drawn to the TiVo’ed episode and think, “Well, okay, just one show of the tryouts…”
And every year, yep, I’m not only hooked, but sitting in tears on my couch. Last night’s episode from the Chicago tryouts was no exception. I think I cried three times. Three times at American Freaking Idol. The clincher? The girl at the end who survived a dramatic asthma attack as a pre-teen and sang Sam Cooke for her tryout. Sigh. I love the idea of second chances in life.
I’ve always liked the Sam Cooke song, but since I’ve been talking to so many singles lately about the hope they have for the love that’s coming in their future, the lyrics stood out to me more than ever. If you’re single and ready to become a true dating optimist, if you’re determined that you will have love in your life—and not just any love, but an adoring, amazing, inspiring and special one—then keep Cooke’s words in mind as your very own:
It’s been a long, a long time coming.
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will.
However long a time it’s been coming, if you want love in your life and you’re hellbent on getting it, you can. And the longer the wait’s been, the more you’ll appreciate it when it does.
A change is gonna come if you want it to.
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Big love,
A “First” look at Meeting Your Half-Orange
We interrupt this offbeat advice-giving broadcast to share the first item of magazine press for my upcoming book, Meeting Your Half-Orange. Why? Because the more singles that read the book, the more happy, radiating people there will be out there, and the better the world will be because of it! Plus, this being my first book, I’m uber-excited about getting the word out.
Here’s the clip from the “Pocket Psychologist” section First for Women magazine:
They’re right: Having an optimistic view can attract your other half! Just remember, though, your positive views aren’t worth much if you don’t inject them with intense emotion and take some action—which is what the book explains exactly how to do. One things I especially love about this review that you can take with you today:
Think of butterflies. I know butterflies get a cliché rap sometimes, but the cycle of their lives is seriously miraculous and reflective of who we all are when we’re trying to enter a new phase of being. If you’re looking for your other half, make this the month of weaving yourself inside a blanket of feeling like the person you want to be in your dream relationship. Live in it, rest in it, and then, when you’re ready for your big relationship, open up and let yourself fly. Let the energy that’s been bubbling inside you bring your other half straight to you.
You may also like this story of a guy who created his own press to find love:
TimWow is Available Now!
Big love,
Katy Perry: Found Her Half-Orange!
I recently sat down with “I Kissed a Girl” singer Katy Perry for dinner at the Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood, and our conversation appears in the Glamour cover interview this month.
Katy talks about love in "shapes," too.
And while I know it sounds like such a cliché when you read things like this, she rolled in to our meeting looking pretty and fresh-faced, with no makeup, wearing gym clothes and sneaks, the total softer side of what I expected. What also surprised me? How whipsmart, emotionally mature and grounded she was at just 25 years old.
I told her about Meeting Your Half-Orange—which will be in bookstores soon! Or, buy it here now at Amazon.com—and what the term meant. I explained how the half-orange (based on the Spanish phrase mi media naranja) is such a wonderful symbol of a good relationship. If you picture the fruit split open, it’s two sweet halves meeting in the middle. Neither side is bigger or bolder, and neither side is being taken over or engulfed; it’s just two halves that meet in the center and create a full, healthy, round orange of a solid relationship.
Katy, it turns out, had the same picture in mind for what she wanted in her other half. Here is what she said in the interview:
GLAMOUR: You once said you’d wait five more years to get married. What will make you ready to settle down?
KATY PERRY: When I find a partner who is my teammate. I’m not going to play by any rules, I’m just going to go with my heart. Why wait? I just wrote a song [that goes], “They say it’s hard to meet your match, gotta find my other half so we can make a perfect shape.”
Well, over New Year’s, Katy got engaged to her teammate, British comedian Russell Brand (of Forgetting Sarah Marshall fame)! Sounds like she found her other half. And if you still want to find yours, keep that same picture in mind.
If you meet someone and it’s not feeling like their orange half is meeting yours in the middle—you’re always the one doing the texting, or you’re always pushing for an “official” date that’s not coming to pass, or maybe you’re feeling like you’re steamrolling them—then it’s probably not the right relationship. You want to feel equal respect, equal attention and equal affection, and your true half-orange will give you all that and more.
Big love,
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