Optimisms
Cheering each other on
The Bachelor “Say It” Myth
I must say, last night’s episode of The Bachelor: The Women Tell All was pretty juicy last night. I usually skim over that yawny episode, but with last night’s Rozlyn v. Chris Harrison battle and Jake seeming not very happy at all as he talked about how “very happy” he was, well, I was in gape-mouthed heaven.
But one thing I didn’t love was seeing my faaaaavorite girl on the show—Gia—falling for The Bachelor Myth. What is that, you ask?
The Bachelor “Say It” Myth: If you don’t open up and say you love and want to marry him, that it’s your fault you’re not getting a rose. No, no, no! It’s just not true. Don’t fall for the hype, Gia, it’s not your fault!
Gia thought to "say" meant to "stay."
As Gia said last night:
“I never showed him how I felt, and I never was able to verbally get it out, and, you know, I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve had some really bad breakups and my heart’s been broken, and I was so scared the whole time to put it out there. And to tell him. And by the time I figured it out, and…he sent me home.”
That’s when Chris Harrison asked, “What was it that held you up?” Here’s what Gia said:
“There were so many nights I sat there and I said to myself, “Okay, this is gonna be the time, you’re gonna tell him how you feel, you’re gonna just get it out. And I just…I’d freeze up, so. . . At that moment, I knew that I had fell in love with him, and I thought maybe by some slim chance he knew who I really was and how I really felt without me saying? But, you forget, there’s two other girls who are telling him, “I love you,” telling him, “I want to marry you.” And there’s me who’s just saying nothing. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I’d had more confidence, that he would have chosen me.”
Now, her lack of confidence probably was an issue. But you know what definitely wasn’t an issue? Gia not saying, “I love you” or “I want to marry you.” We’re human beings; we can tell through body language, eye contact and energy if we like each other even without words. Yes, being verbally open is healthy, and as we grow and gain more confidence, we get better at doing that. But we all need to do it at our own pace! Gia, you wonder if there was a slim chance Jake knew how you felt? Of course there was—and it was fatter than slim! I mean, come on, we’ve seen plenty of bachelorettes say “I love you,” and end up crying under some glaring light on the front steps of a mansion the next day.
Take The Bachelor Open Up Myth to heart. Verbalizing how you feel to a guy before you’re ready isn’t the answer. You can play the shoulda woulda game your whole life. That women, you should have told a guy how you felt or said more in the email than you did. Or that guys, you should have called the next day, or kissed her when you had the chance. Yes, what you say and when you call matters. But it’s not all there is. What’s most important is the connection you feel as a couple, and if one half of that couple ain’t feelin it—i.e. Jake not feeling it for Gia—then so it goes.
I’m glad that Gia did learn a few things from the show. “I really learned how to express myself,” she said. “I really learned what I’m looking for, what I want, what I need. And next guy that I meet, I’m telling him how I feel.”
It’s a good way to go forward, but for those who relate, don’t blame yourself for what you wish you’d done or should have said in the past. If you feel it, say it. And if you’re like Gia and you require, you know, a little more than four dates with TV cameras all around you to declare your undying love to a guy you met a few weeks ago, then forgive yourself for that and go with what feels right in your heart! Open up when you’re ready. Use your words when you can mean them. And let the connection between your most real and natural selves guide you along the way until then.
Big love,
Nick Cannon: “Speak It Into Existence!”
I have to thank a Meeting Your Half-Orange reader for this one: Andrea sent me a note about how she’s started the book, and is hopeful about it working, though she does have to convince herself of it.
Nick got what HE wanted in love...so can you (Image: Shore File Photo)
“Even though I believe in the power of positive thinking (I’ve seen it happen for my friends numerous times), I think I’m kind of a pessimist at heart, no matter how sunny my disposition is,” says Andrea. “Yes, I’m single, I have been for a year now, but I think that this positive thinking thing can work for my WHOLE life, not just my love life.”
And as a further push to believe in the positive, Andrea sent me this link she’d come across, to an msnbc article about Nick Cannon, the singer, performer, actor, TV judge, and CEO of Nickelodeon’s teen channel—and Mariah Carey’s husband. The piece says, essentially, that Nick feels he’s gotten everything he’s wanted in life so far by believing he could have it and saying that he’ll get it. Sounds just like how my book, Meeting Your Half-Orange begins. Believe, say you want it, and you’ve started yourself on the path to getting it.
Here is how Nick Cannon put it:
“I truly believe in speaking things into existence. Not to get all Tony Robbins, but you speak it, and it can definitely happen to you.”
And as the article pointed out, he didn’t just do this in business; he did this in his love life, too. “For years,” the article says, “Cannon would tell any interviewer who asked that his celebrity crush was Mariah Carey.” It led to presenting awards with her, and a business meeting in 2008.
“I put on my good cologne,” Cannon said, “did some push-ups. Tried to get my grown-man look on.”
It obviously worked. Nick and Mariah are now married. And he’s not stopping there:
“I wanna be a billionaire in five years,” says Nick. “It can happen. I’m speaking it into existence!”
Well, whatever it is you want in love, speak that into existence, too. Learn from Nick Cannon. He got the girl of his dreams. And he’s gotten the career he was after, too. If you want a healthy relationship, do as Nick does: Announce what you want with all the determination and hopefulness you can muster and watch the world bring it straight to you.
And as for Andrea, if she can discover strength like this in others, she can find it in herself—and so can you.
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WWJS: What Would Joan Say?
Big love,
A Love Lesson From…the Olympic Halfpipe
I hold a special respect for Olympic skiers and snowboarders. Especially after watching skier Lindsey Vonn and snowboarder Shaun White win their gold medals last night. Man, they rocked it, didn’t they? I could watch them smile and listen to Lindsey cry tears of joy for days, which Bob Costas so perfectly described by saying: “those emotions a combination of joy, pride, relief, thanks, appreciation, all rolled into one.” Which, to be honest, is what meeting your half-orange feels like—or will feel like—too.
I credit my personal awe of those guys to a skiing experience I had a few years ago during a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in Utah.
Like Shaun White: Are you LIVING a good run? (Image: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
I was staying at a friends’ corporate-sponsored chalet that was nestled high on a mountain and accessible from the intermediate ski run. Me being a gal from New York, I’d grown up skiing some small mountains in New Jersey and just north of the city.
“Intermediate?” I said, “No problem.”
It turns out, however, the intermediate hill in New Jersey is the bunny hill in Utah. And the intermediate hill in Utah? Well, let’s just say that once I got off the lift, I felt like I was looking over the edge of a cliff. Egads, I was in trouble.
As with many things in life, it wasn’t the hill that was the problem as much my sheer lack of confidence that I could tackle it. And so after a few wobbly-legged attempts, completely pointless snowplowing and a few tumbles, I eventually took off my skis and clomped sideways down the hill in my boots, whimpering the whole time. It was, I’m sure, a hilarious sight to behold. God bless my friends who didn’t laugh at me until I was ready to laugh at myself. (And God bless you if you’ve already read about my surfing experience in my past post Get Blue Crush Brave and still hold any respect for my sportiness!)
Which is why I gaze in wonder when I see the Olympians tearing down the snowy mountain and doing flips in the halfpipe. But I’m not just impressed by Shaun White’s moves, but by his attitude. Shaun had these words to say just before he competed in the halfpipe qualifier on Cypress Mountain in West Vancouver last night:
“I’m looking for, basically, some good runs. I just, uh, I don’t think it’s about one trick in the run, I think it’s the whole thing, so I’m just trying to put down solid runs all night and, uh, we’ll go from there, see what special stuff I got in store.”
You know what I liked about that? Shaun wasn’t bragging about the one specific move that was going to lead him to his goal—yes, of course he had some serious tricks up his sleeve that he’d invented just for this big international show. But he also knew that without a good first run overall, one big trick wouldn’t mean a thing.
And that’s how I see our lives, especially in love and dating: without a good run overall, you won’t get to show your big tricks. So often, when we want to be in love, we put aside everything else to get the relationship. But if you’re not living a good full life overall, if you’re not having a good run overall, then you may not get a chance to show your big tricks to the right person in the first place. Don’t let your fear freeze you like mine did on a Utah mountain. And don’t let your anxiousness about getting into a relationship take over the life you’re living now.
Look at dating the way Shaun White looks at that halfpipe: Aim to have a good run overall. Smile and enjoy the whole thing—the nights in, the nights out, the so-so dates, the funny set-ups, the time with friends, the ways you grow. If you’re having a good time with your life, then your dates will want to see what “special stuff” you have in store.
The tactic sure worked for Shaun White: After the first of two finals runs last night, he scored 46.8. He didn’t even have to take another run to get his gold, but Shaun knew that by putting down those good runs, he’d earned his chance to pull those tricks out of the bag. And so he took a second run—how very Mary Lou Retton of him—and showed off his special “Spiraling Double McTwist” that earned him a 48.4 and, of course, that gold.
It’s a medal that’s round and kind of orange-looking, come to think of it. Just like the half-orange you’re looking for.
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Big love and good runs,
A Random Act of Optimistic Kindness
I know I’m usually giving you something on the site. Today, I’m asking for something instead. And if you’ve already read Meeting Your Half-Orange or are well into it, I’m talking to you! Why? Well, because I’d really love your help.
Please, will you help spread the half-orange word? (Image: AS; Shirt: Anthropologie.com)
I want to express to potential readers what my book is really about so they’ll know if they should read it. Some people have already given the book great reviews on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com (thank you!), and nothing would make me happier than to add more reviews to the mix. Nothing will help spread the half-orange word more than a grassroots, tell-a-friend approach, and a book review is a powerful way to do just that.
And so I ask you this big favor: Will you review my book? On Amazon.com, just click here on Amazon.com’s Meeting Your Half-Orange page and scroll down to the “Customer Reviews” part, then click the “Write Your Own Review” button. Equally, if you’re a reader of other bookseller’s sites, a review elsewhere, i.e. on the BarnesandNoble.com Meeting your Half-Orange page, would make me equally happy.
Here’s the thing: I want you to be honest. I’m not asking you to put up a five-star review unless you think it deserves one. If you loved the book and it’s changed the way you feel about yourself or dating the way so many of your kind emails to me have said it has, please say so. And if you didn’t like the book for some reason, say that instead. I think it’s just so hard to get a feeling for what’s behind the front cover of a book from reading a short description on a web site. I know that hearing from those of you who’ve actually read my book will give other singles a greater sense of what it’s like.
It does take a few minutes—you have to create an Amazon.com reviewer profile if you haven’t already. But look at it as a way to help spread some love in the world. Think of all the single people out there who want a relationship and don’t know where to turn for advice. Should they buy the book? I think it will help their lives immensely. Do you?
And if you do put up a review, I’d love to know about it. Just click the “Email Amy” link at right, below the yellow Post-It Twitter feed and email me so that I can personally thank you. (And yes, I’ll even thank you if it’s not a glowing review!) Trust me, I know your time is valuable. But I also know that for people who want a relationship, it’s important to come at it with the right attitude about yourself and dating, and that’s why I take time as often as I can to offer these optimistic posts. Your honest review on Amazon.com or elsewhere could really help some other people out there get in the right frame of mind.
Consider this a random act of optimistic kindness for the day. Help your fellow singles. Tell them if you think my book will lead them toward what they want right now: love. The more you know, the closer you’ll get.
Big love and thank you, thank you, thank you,
The Suitcase Feeling: Do You Have It?
This past weekend, I headed to New York to appear on the CBS Early Show to talk about Meeting Your Half-Orange. I’ll talk more about our topic soon—the idea of dating optimism and asking for what you want in love versus settling for something “good enough” just so you don’t end up alone. You know where I stand on that one!
Doesn't "your" suitcase seem different from the others?
After the appearance, though, I spent the rest of the weekend with some of my best friends and my family, who still live there. And it was then that I realized how good it feels to be among people you can really settle in with, who feel like home. And as I said to one single friend of mine, that’s how you want to feel with your half-orange: like you’re home.
I had a similar experience when I landed back in L.A., which I now call home. I was at the baggage carousel waiting for my luggage (yes, I check my bags! I like letting go of things for a few hours, the feeling of lightness when it’s just me, my wallet and my laptop without all the “baggage”). I was watching the suitcases circling past me on the belt, noticing how many small black rolley-bags looked so similar to mine. And yet, when I saw my bag come around the bend, I had an instant feeling of “Ahhh, there it is.” To every other eye there, my bag looked exactly like the rest, save for the red fabric I’d tied around the handle. But to me, my suitcase stood out. It felt like home.
This, dating optimists, is what the right relationship will feel like. Maybe you’ll feel it in the first five minutes, maybe it’ll take a few dates or a moment of discovery that someone you’ve known for years is actually the person who’s right for you. However you notice it, that’s the feeling you want. Like my suitcase, your other half may “look” like a lot of others out there. He or she may be as tall as, or in the same job as, or as similar as some other people, but to you, they’ll stand out as special, as someone you can relax with and be yourself, the way you do at home.
I wish you the suitcase feeling. It’s what will carry you through a great relationship together in life. Don’t settle unless you get it.
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Big love,
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