Optimisms

I’ve been so slammed with pre-holiday work, it’s taken me a minute to write this up, but I had to share something I saw on the most recent Parenthood episode. The episode, which was actually called “Put Yourself Out There,” made me cry (as every episode of Parenthood seems to). And it can change your dating and love life if you take it to heart. Really, it’s THE MOST IMPORTANT message I can think to pass on.

Adam (Peter Krause) had an important message. (NBC.com)

Here’s what went down: Sarah (Lauren Graham)’s high-school daughter Amber (Mae Whitman) was offered an opportunity to speak to a hot shot woman who could help her get into Berkeley. The hot shot was a friend of Sarah’s brother Adam (Peter Krause). But Amber didn’t want the interview, dammit! When Adam asked her why, she explained.

She was too scared, she said. She was afraid to fail. She couldn’t bear the idea of rejection or messing things up, like she felt she’d messed up so many things in her life already. (Ahem, sound familiar daters?) So this is what Adam told her:

“Amber, life will knock you down more times than you can possibly imagine. Don’t knock yourself down. Don’t avoid feeling embarrassed because you’re afraid something’s not gonna go well. So what? Amber, you are a wonderful, talented and really smart young woman. Put yourself out there. Give yourself a chance.”

What a message, right? So look at your love or single life and think about the same thing.

Amber (Mae Whitman) needed to hear it. Do you? (NBC.com)

When I was single, I got to a point where I didn’t feel like going on dates anymore, because even when I found a guy I liked, he always seemed to want someone hotter or richer or younger or blonder or less jokey or more sexy. I felt like I couldn’t win, so what was the point? Instead, I started putting myself down before they could do it for me. Have you ever done this? Talked about how you’re probably not what someone wants anyway—before anyone’s ever said a negative word about you?

Well if you have, stop. Stop right now. Because Adam’s right. Life will knock you down plenty of times. So don’t knock yourself down. Don’t count yourself out of the game before you’ve even had a chance to play and see how you do! Put yourself out there. I’m not saying that you have to walk up to every single cute person you see at the deli, bus stop, bar and bathroom line. But I am saying that if you like someone, talk to them. And if you’re talking to someone you like, tell them the good things about you and your day, not the bad. You’re uniquely awesome, and you’ll never know if someone wants exactly that—exactly you—unless you put yourself out there to see.

Please. Stop badmouthing yourself. Don’t knock yourself down. Build yourself up. Talk about what’s great about you. Let yourself see how fun being a positive you can be. Please, give yourself a chance.

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Get “Blue Crush” Brave

Big love,

When French photographer Sascha Goldberger realized that his 91-year-old grandmother Frederika seemed depressed and lonely in her old age, and he wanted to cheer her up. So he did the natural thing: He turned her into a Superhero.

From the "Mamika" series by Sascha Goldberger

Here is the link to Grandma’s Superhero Therapy, the story about Sascha and his grandmother which includes the eighteen photo series “Mamika,” of his grandmother in full Superhero regalia, lifting cars, stopping cars and flying.

It turns out, Sascha has said, that simply by acting like a Superhero, his grandmother came out of her funk, and has felt happier, more alive and less depressed than she was. It’s a reminder to all of us: Sometimes, you have to put on the costume of someone who is happier and larger than life, and soon enough, you’ll start feeling like you are.

The series was such a success, by the way, that Sascha has taken more photos of his grandmother, which you can see posted on Frederika’s MySpace page he created for her, in the new book Mamika on Amazon.com or in the art show Wanted currently up in Paris. I say, let it be your inspiration in life and love today to pull out the big guns.

Put on the figurative cape and start acting like you are someone worthy of Superhero admiration. Sitting home and waiting for a call or a text or an invite to a party where maybe someone will finally come talk to you is no way to engage with life and get what you want. Take life by the horns, put on a helmet like Mamika, and head into it with strength and bravery. Even if you feel like you’re playing a role at first, that’s okay. As psychologists say, “Act as if.” As business motivators say, “Fake it til you make it.”

If you start acting like a strong, worthy, amazing, incredible person, you’ll start realizing how much you really are. Find the Superhero in you!

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VITAMIN OPTIMISM: Future You

Big love,

Your dose for today…

“You see the world through the filter of your emotions.” —Marianne Williamson

If you look for beauty and happiness, you *will* find it. (Image of Hozu River in Kyoto by Amy Spencer)

This is a quickie as I’m running off this morning to…Alaska. A lucky opportunity to travel for work, and I’m suiting up in my duck boots and taking it! But I was thinking about this quote last night and wanted to pass it on.

It’s something that the wonderful Marianne Williamson said in a lecture she gave in L.A. a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. It’s so simple, I know. But the fact is, you can choose your filter. Two people can meet the exact same circumstances (getting stuck at a red light, meeting a new person) and have two entirely different experiences based on one thing: How they view the situation.

If you have a positive filter, you will see the good. You will enjoy the respite of the red light. You will introduce yourself to the friendly stranger. You will view the situation at work more gingerly and take the long walk back to your car and agree to go on a second date with the funniest, sweetest person you’ve ever met, even if you’re not sure you want to kiss them yet. And you will be the better for it all because seeing the world from a positive viewpoint will bring you more positive experiences.

Do yourself a favor today. Pick the right filter.

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The Tale of the Big Hill…i.e. What’s Taking This Dating Optimism So Damn Long?!?

Big love,

Sorry I’ve been a bit M.I.A. on here, optimists, but I have a good reason: I got wrapped up in closing my second book deal! I can’t tell you much about it yet, but rest assured I will keep the optimism message spreading into even more areas of your life. And the more positive energy you can keep up in more places, the greater your orange glow, which is what will help attract the right person your way.

Today’s message harks from a flight I took last weekend.

Don't get so scared en route you forget to enjoy the flight! (Image by Amy Spencer)

I was sitting next to my sister on our flight home from New York when we hit a good chunk of turbulence that sent the plane bouncing around and sent the flight attendants to their seat belts.

Here’s what I was feeling: Pure, unbridled panic. You know, like, Oh my God, what if this is it? What if we go down and this ends up on the news tomorrow freaking out everybody who think planes only go down over mountains in Central America? What will I do when we’re hurtling toward the ground? What if that last stupid Facebook update counts as my final words?

Yet here’s what I did: I acted cool. I yawned and stretched a little, looked out the window like I was bored, and flipped through a few channels on my Jet Blue TV.

Well, the turbulence stopped, I got sucked into a marathon of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and the flight and life carried on. But it reminded me so much of what I would do when I was dating—how I’d often react the same way to my dating turbulence.

Here’s what I mean: Every once in a while, on a random night or for a random week, I’d feel a searing moment of panic: I’m going to be alone. No one will ever love me. It’s too late for me. I’m too old. I missed the boat. It’s never going to happen. But if anyone asked me at a party how I felt about being single, I’d play as cool as I did on the airplane this weekend and pretend I wasn’t bothered at all, “It’s fun, you know? I have my freedom, I get to date around, feel things out. I mean, I don’t even know if I’m ready for a relationship anyway, so it’s all good.”

Why did I do this? Well, as I write about in Meeting Your Half-Orange, I always had this voice in my head saying, “There’s nothing sorrier than a single girl who wishes she wasn’t.” And I was determined not to be that person who got other people’s pity. So I’d sugarcoat my situation. In essence, while I was panicking about the dating turbulence, I’d yawn and stretch, look around like I was bored, and flip through a few guys. I acted cool. I thought “cool” was the way to get the guy. I know differently now.

What I believe is that the way to get the guy or girl is to act real. The more in tune with your true feelings you are, the more grounded and real you’ll feel. So, if you’re having a teribble, rough, sucky time with dating this week, don’t sugarcoat it. Admit it! No, people don’t want you talking about it every single day for a month (and neither do I, because it’s not helping your case with all that negative energy emanating off of you!). But it’s okay to be real and say, “I’ve had a bad, sucky dating week and I just want to wallow in it for a night so I can start feeling better tomorrow.” In fact, if you do this, over time, you may even feel like wallowing less, because you’ll see how little it gets you to stew in bummer-ness for too long.

So that’s my message this week: When a friend asks about your dating life, don’t act cool. Be real. Tell them how you’re feeling, even if it’s nervous, scared, lonely or truly panicked. Then, once you’ve gotten it off your chest, focus on the good stuff in your life (your job, your Checkers skills, your cat, those awesome friends) and distract yourself with the life equivalent of flipping through channels on Bravo TV. You may notice how smooth life gets when you’ve stopped paying so much attention to the turbulence. It’s natural to panic. But what’s true in flying is true in love: Turbulence doesn’t cause you to crash. It’s just some bumpy air along the way. Remember that (because I have to remind myself every time!)

As long as you get real and admit that you’re a little scared of the bumpy air, you may find your grip on the arm rests lightens up and you can enjoy the ride more. Life has a wonderful ride to offer you. Give yourself the gift of being able to enjoy it.

And if you have any other tricks for getting over the panic of dating turbulence—or, for that matter, flight turbulence—let me know!

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Big love,