Being yourself

Cheering each other on

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

I’ve been asked by a few people who want to be optimistic about love who are worried becuase they feel they’re just not the positive, peppy, puppy-loving, rainbow-decorating type. What if you hope it rains? What if you prefer snarling about your co-workers to team-building with them? What if you think romantic comedies are trite and calculated and The Bachelor is insulting?

Happy or snarky, everyone deserves a someone. (Image: AS)

They want to know—and so might you—can you be cynical and still be a dating optimist?

The good news is…you can.

Our personalities are all different, and cynical, snarky types need their match as much as the bubbly, positive ones. And that’s because positivity and optimism are actually different, which is interesting. Positivity is a feeling, and optimism is a belief. Positivity is about all that smiling and feeling happy, while optimism means that whoever you are—positive or cynical—you simply believe that your life will work out well.

And love, really, is optimistic at its core: We go into a relationship hoping it will work out, not assuming that it won’t. And if you do try to go into a relationship assuming it won’t work out? Your attitude and energy will likely fulfill the prophecy. But this is why I suggest positivity to cynics, too. I know it hurts sometimes to smile for ten seconds, but smiling and feeling good creates a warm, welcoming feeling within and around you that makes the give-and-take and openness of a healthy relationship come more easily.

So if you’re a cynic—or you know one you want to pass this on to—I say, be your authentic self and embrace who you are and how you feel, but when it comes to dating, give yourself the gift of optimism—the simple belief that there is a partner who is perfectly right for you and who can make this terrible, awful world a little more bearable and, dare I say, a bit brighter.

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The Don’ts of Liz Lemon’s Dealbreakers

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on Can You Be a Cynical Optimist?

A Love Lesson From…the Olympic Halfpipe

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

I hold a special respect for Olympic skiers and snowboarders. Especially after watching skier Lindsey Vonn and snowboarder Shaun White win their gold medals last night. Man, they rocked it, didn’t they? I could watch them smile and listen to Lindsey cry tears of joy for days, which Bob Costas so perfectly described by saying: “those emotions a combination of joy, pride, relief, thanks, appreciation, all rolled into one.” Which, to be honest, is what meeting your half-orange feels like—or will feel like—too.

I credit my personal awe of those guys to a skiing experience I had a few years ago during a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in Utah.

Like Shaun White: Are you LIVING a good run? (Image: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

I was staying at a friends’ corporate-sponsored chalet that was nestled high on a mountain and accessible from the intermediate ski run. Me being a gal from New York, I’d grown up skiing some small mountains in New Jersey and just north of the city.

“Intermediate?” I said, “No problem.”

It turns out, however, the intermediate hill in New Jersey is the bunny hill in Utah. And the intermediate hill in Utah? Well, let’s just say that once I got off the lift, I felt like I was looking over the edge of a cliff. Egads, I was in trouble.

As with many things in life, it wasn’t the hill that was the problem as much my sheer lack of confidence that I could tackle it. And so after a few wobbly-legged attempts, completely pointless snowplowing and a few tumbles, I eventually took off my skis and clomped sideways down the hill in my boots, whimpering the whole time. It was, I’m sure, a hilarious sight to behold. God bless my friends who didn’t laugh at me until I was ready to laugh at myself. (And God bless you if you’ve already read about my surfing experience in my past post Get Blue Crush Brave and still hold any respect for my sportiness!)

Which is why I gaze in wonder when I see the Olympians tearing down the snowy mountain and doing flips in the halfpipe. But I’m not just impressed by Shaun White’s moves, but by his attitude. Shaun had these words to say just before he competed in the halfpipe qualifier on Cypress Mountain in West Vancouver last night:

“I’m looking for, basically, some good runs. I just, uh, I don’t think it’s about one trick in the run, I think it’s the whole thing, so I’m just trying to put down solid runs all night and, uh, we’ll go from there, see what special stuff I got in store.”

You know what I liked about that? Shaun wasn’t bragging about the one specific move that was going to lead him to his goal—yes, of course he had some serious tricks up his sleeve that he’d invented just for this big international show. But he also knew that without a good first run overall, one big trick wouldn’t mean a thing.

And that’s how I see our lives, especially in love and dating: without a good run overall, you won’t get to show your big tricks. So often, when we want to be in love, we put aside everything else to get the relationship. But if you’re not living a good full life overall, if you’re not having a good run overall, then you may not get a chance to show your big tricks to the right person in the first place. Don’t let your fear freeze you like mine did on a Utah mountain. And don’t let your anxiousness about getting into a relationship take over the life you’re living now.

Look at dating the way Shaun White looks at that halfpipe: Aim to have a good run overall. Smile and enjoy the whole thing—the nights in, the nights out, the so-so dates, the funny set-ups, the time with friends, the ways you grow. If you’re having a good time with your life, then your dates will want to see what “special stuff” you have in store.

The tactic sure worked for Shaun White: After the first of two finals runs last night, he scored 46.8. He didn’t even have to take another run to get his gold, but Shaun knew that by putting down those good runs, he’d earned his chance to pull those tricks out of the bag. And so he took a second run—how very Mary Lou Retton of him—and showed off his special “Spiraling Double McTwist” that earned him a 48.4 and, of course, that gold.

It’s a medal that’s round and kind of orange-looking, come to think of it. Just like the half-orange you’re looking for.

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Big love and good runs,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It's on TV, Optimisms | Comments Off on A Love Lesson From…the Olympic Halfpipe

How to Use the Phases of Dating Optimism!

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

I’m having a little Regina Spektor moment right now. You know what I’m talking about: “On the radio, oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhh, on the radio…”

Why? I’ve been spreading the half-orange word via a lot of radio stations these days. But I know not everyone has access to every show, so I thought, if it might help to hear me talking about the power of optimism in love, I’d give you a way to listen!

You *can* have a love that makes you blossom (Image: Ken Spencer)

Here is a link to a radio show I did on February 9th with Boston station on 93.7 FM, with “Big Daddy” Mike. We not only talked about how positivity can help your love life, but also about what to do when you date a person and then find out he or she is, um, a hoarder. (Hey, it happens!) Here’s the link to the 93.7 site and our 9-minute interview:

My radio chat with Big Daddy

And if you could go for a longer bit of inspiration, check out the one-hour talk I had last night with Lisa Bonnice—she herself a success story of positive dating who appears in my book, Meeting Your Half-Orange! She hosted me on her super fun radio show, “Shapeshifting with Lisa Bonnice,” and we got to have a nice long chat about how you can bring what you want straight to you in life and in love.

My radio chat with Lisa Bonnice

One idea that Lisa and I talked about: the power of gratitude. Whether you’re writing it down in a “gratitude journal,” which some people do, or just reviewing all the good stuff in your life on the drive to work, do it. How will this help your dating self? Well, it will remind you what you do have instead of what you don’t. When you’re single and want to be in a relationship, you may be focusing a lot on what you don’t have: that you don’t have a partner who loves you, that you don’t have someone to go splitsies on Chinese food with, that you don’t have someone to lift the couch so you can vacuum under it. And if you focus on the empty glass, you’ll feel down about it and get more of it!

Instead, look at how full your life is. Look at what you do have: Your two legs, your health, family members who love you, kind friends, a roof over your head, a job that pays the important bills, a love for a certain type of music that makes you smile every time you hear it. If you look at all the ways you have it going on, at how full your life is, you’ll feel better about yourself and more confident and ready to offer that wonderful version of you to a relationship!

So listen to either show today, or save one for a quiet moment when you want a good jolt of positivity and a reminder to keep believing that your half-orange is out there. Because I, for one, know that he or she most certainly is.

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It's on the radio, Optimisms | Comments Off on How to Use the Phases of Dating Optimism!

Are You Indentured to the Future?

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

I was cleaning out my office yesterday, which meant clearing out my bookshelves and all of that—cough, sneeze, gag—dust I didn’t seem to mind living with when I didn’t know it was there.

HughPrather And in trying to decide which books I’d have to part with to make room for some new ones, I started flipping through them, including one by a writer/poet named Hugh Prather, who wrote the bestselling Notes to Myself and the one I just came across, I Touch the Earth, the Earth Touches Me from, get this, 1972. Inside, I found this note in the book, which I had put a square around with a pencil marked a star next to it. It was just as good all this time later:

“Not opening a can of tuna because last night’s roast will spoil if I don’t eat it; not changing the thermostat because later it might get too hot; not pulling over the coffee table to eat on because I will have to put it back—I am surprised at how much I indenture myself to the future.”

It reminded me how much I indentured myself to the future when I was single, so I wanted to ask: Are you doing the same? Not traveling to New Orleans for a cheap weekend fare because you’ve wanted to go there with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Not buying a cute new bed frame from IKEA because you want to wait to re-do your bedroom until you have a mate to do it with? Not signing up for those theater season seats, because who knows who you’ll meet and run off with between now and the fall?

And what about the small moments, when there’s so much that I don’t do, for example: Not lighting a candle because I don’t want to waste it. Not opening a bottle of champagne because I’m waiting for a special occasion. Not hanging my coat on the train’s coat hook because I’m just going to have to put my coat back on later? Well, I’m working on all that and trying to live in these moments more now. Because what about our life today, this minute? What are we all doing for ourselves to be happy now?

Let’s take Hugh’s point and do the opposite: Let’s not be a slave to our future. Don’t wait to celebrate your life until you have a romantic partner to celebrate with. What do you want to do with your travel money, your bedroom budget, your passions, your taste buds and your energy now? If you’re going to be hit by a bus next week, tomorrow—or in thirty minutes, even—what might you do this minute to make your life more worth living? The future will come eventually, and so will the love of your life, but why blow all the wonderful little moments you have now waiting for it? Break the chains that tie you to the future and do what makes you happy today. I assure you: Your love life will be the better for it.

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Big love,

Tags: Hugh Prather, live in the moment
Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It is written, Optimisms | Comments Off on Are You Indentured to the Future?

Janet Jackson: Are You Doing YOU?

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

I don’t know about you, but I was mesmerized by one particular aspect of the Janet Jackson ABC “In the Spotlight” interview with Robin Roberts last night:

Janet: single and seriously digging it

Janet’s big gold earrings and how little they actually moved as she spoke. When I talk, I bounce my head around so much, you wouldn’t be able to hear my voice above the clanging of all that metal. So good on ya, Janet.

But the second thing I liked was hearing how good single, 43-year-old Janet finally feels about herself in her 40s. It’s taken her time, apparently. She admitted in the interview that, for example, she didn’t like her own “bootie” until her boyfriend Jermaine Dupri started loving her—as she said:

“…making me feel very comfortable with me, with myself. Allowing me that. Allowing for me to see that within myself. And that I’m fine the way that I am. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

When she first said that, I wanted to shake her—and any of you who say the same things about yourself. I don’t want any of us to be “fine” with who we are, or to concede there’s “nothing wrong” with us! I want us all to feel superbly insanely fabulous about ourselves! I want us to have a list so long about what’s right with us, you have to turn the paper over and staple a new sheet on to keep up!

Luckily, I think Janet’s 40s are doing right by her. So right that she’s learning how to be herself—how “you do you.” This is how she said she’s soaking in the decade:

They’re great. Because you know what? You don’t care what people think. You do you. You do your thing. You have no time for mess, no time for drama.

And that I liked. That I loved. And I want every “single” person out there to stamp it on their mirror to remind themselves the very same thing: When you have those moments when you feel like you have to change to impress someone, that you have to up your game, or be funnier or wittier or smarter or sexier to catch someone’s eye…you’re fooling yourself! You don’t have to do any of those things. You just have to master doing you. Learn that in the best world, like Janet says, you do you.

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Big love,