Being yourself

Cheering each other on

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

Gosh, I love embarrassing questions. Mostly because the questions that people think are embarrassing really…aren’t. When I hosted the Sirius radio show Sex Files on the Maxim channel, I used to get calls all the time from people saying, “You’ve probably never heard this one before, but…” And the thing is, I usually had. Because we’re all human, and our experiences—good, bad and embarrassing—are so often similar.

A new book from Health magazine

That’s why I’m such a fan of the new book that one of my favorite editors—Lisa Lombardi at Health magazine—co-authored. What the Yuck? is full of those questions people are afraid to ask but secretly all want to know.

Now, in honor of those “You’ve probably never heard this one before” questions, I’m going to answer one of them right now. (I also regularly post answers to other questions that have been emailed to me in the “Let’s Talk” Q&A section of this site, so check some out!)

The Question:

“You said never to say never…but this one “never” is hard to argue with: I’ve never been on a date, never been asked out, and, as the movie goes, never been kissed. I just finished reading your book. You might wonder why I read your book if I haven’t had any dating experience yet. I’m almost 24 years old and am truly at the point in my life where I want my half-orange to find me. I am becoming the person I want to be: I recently took up competitive running, lost a good amount of weight, and am now starting to enjoy my life as a graduate student. I want to be a dating optimist but I find it extremely hard when, as far as I know, no one has found me date-able. I find it very hard to believe that any man will be able to love me. I know that I need to banish those thoughts but after this long, it’s extremely difficult to do.” —R.

My Answer:

We’ve all had our “never” times, R. There’s no such thing as a rulebook for how fast or slow people are supposed to go. And by the sound of it, you’re going at just the right pace or you.

I’m so happy for you that you say you’re becoming the person you want to be. And that, I must say, is the best thing you can do for your dating self. Because the more you know who you are and what you want in life, the better you’ll approach future dates and potential partners. Now, as for no one finding you date-able…psshaw! (You get that sound effect, right? I’m waving away that idea as nutbaggy!) You are date-able. You are loveable. You will have a wonderful partner in your life who won’t be able to fathom that you deem him worthy to be with you.

And the first step I think you should take to meet that person is to go on a date. Yep, pull off the Band Aid and get on out there. The easiest and best idea I can suggest is online dating, because unlike a bar or a party or a restaurant, all the people you find on that dating site are there for the same thing—to date! Don’t disguise who you are, don’t put up a photo that doesn’t look like you, don’t say you like things you don’t like because guys might like it. Check the box for “want a relationship,” wink at a few people, and have fun. When someone asks you out, go for it. He doesn’t need to be perfect, he doesn’t need to be your future husband, he just needs to be someone who wants to have a coffee or a cocktail or a meal on a cool fall night over good conversation. That’s it. If you know a friend who wants to set you up, or another place to meet someone to date, go for it.

My point is, dive into a date. First dates are notoriously awkward anyway—whether you’ve had 30 first dates (oh, look at that, another Drew Barrymore movie) or none, so you’re not going to stand out for being inexperienced, trust me. Just go with the idea in mind that it’s nothing serious and that this first date or your first kiss doesn’t need to be the be-all, end-all—you’re just breaking that ice and taking the first step into the rest of your dating life. And you can always keep in mind my favorite mantra: The worse it is, the better the story.

I hope that helps, and I hope you can get your optimism up there. Life, remember, is all about first steps. You’ll be taking first steps when you’re fifty, too, so enjoy these first steps into dating and be confident that because you will have a happy ending, you can enjoy the whole ride along the way.

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Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, It is written, Optimisms, With a little help from your friends | Comments Off

Emergency Optimism: How My Cankles Can Help You Date

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

Last week, I hit the beach in Montauk on a stormy day for a walk along the water. I was having so much fun splashing my feet in the water, I took a few photos of my toes in the surf. But what was the first thing I thought when I looked at the cool shots later? “Ugh, look at my cankles.”

Look at the essence, not the flaw! (Image: Amy Spencer)

Yep, I have cankles. Essentially, this means my calves hit my feet without slimming down into adorbly skinny little ankles like girls I’ve admired. My legs are more like, sorta, two big tapered logs.

Of course, when I showed the pictures to my friend Todd, he said, “What are you talking about? What cankles? All I see is cool water and a cute foot.” Ya gotta love Todd.

So…how can this help your love life? Recognize that we all do this. We find the little parts of ourselves we don’t like—the cowlick in our hair, the mole on our cheek, the bulge of our thighs, the waddle in our neck, the lack of dollars in our wallet, the bummer in our attitude, the job we don’t love—and we think that this small part of us is the first glaring thing that people see. If you’re single, you might think: “What person is going to like me when I have this cowlick, this mole, this waddle, this job, this attitude?” The answer is: The right person.

Because that cowlick or mole or waddle or job or attitude is not all of who you are. You are—and I know this to be true—a profoundly complex, interesting, wonderful, beautiful human being despite or perhaps because of all the small things that make you different. So you have a cowlick, awesome. So you have a waddle, big whoop. So you have a job you hate, you’ll work on finding one you love. Those little things you don’t like about yourself are just that: little things. Big deal! A little thing only becomes big when you set the magnifying glass in front of it.

And if a guy or a girl you like is so lame that they don’t like you for some little part of you like that? My word, why would you want them around in your life a second longer? You want and deserve a person who runs their hand along your hairline in love with the little ‘lick, who kisses the mole on your cheek, who wants to grow dollars in both of your wallets together.

And you do realize, those “issues” are only obvious to you. The other people you think are fixated on your “glaring” issues are actually too focused on the flab on their arms, the chip in their teeth, the bald spot on their head and the rust on their car to notice the things you think are problems about yourself.

I have cankles. It’s a fact. But instead of pointing it out to people (uh, after this one exception), I’m going to start loving them for being mine. They’re my cankles on my legs and if I’m using them to kick up sea water on the sand, then that’s a pretty great place for them to be.

Please, do the same for yourself: Stop pointing out your supposed “flaws,” and start looking at yourself from a larger place. In the big picture, you’re perfectly balanced and miraculously wonderful. Your dings and scratches are what make you special, and without them, you’d be a plain old average bore with no marks to signify you’re unique and living life some. Love who you are from head to cankle, every last bit.

Tell me, what are you going to stop magnifying and start accepting and loving from now on?

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Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | 2 Comments »

What’s YOUR Star Wars Mug?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

My husband loves his Star Wars mug. To me, it’s a bit of an eyesore. To my husband, it’s the bright spot in his day, a flashback to his youth, the best coffee vessel on earth.

We all have our own "Star Wars mug." (Image: Amy Spencer)

As I was cleaning the dishes the other day and putting away the helmet, I smiled for the first time when I looked at it. And the reason I came up with what that I was reminded how important it is to value the little things you may not love that your partner holds dear—and know there are plenty of things about us that they hold dear, too.

He, for instance, puts up with the fact that four days out of seven, I’ve filled the room with the scent of fresh-popped corn. He miraculously doesn’t seem to mind that I always want a bite of his food, even when I swear I’m so full I could die. He hasn’t left me over how much I hate doing laundry. And I know my obsession with chairs has become an issue when I realize the Louis XIV chair I was “going to reupholster this week” has been sitting in the laundry room for over a year. So the teeny tiny Star Wars mug? I mean, geez, loving it is the least I could do.

I guess I’m saying this is worth remembering as you date. You know, maybe we should focusing on that stuff as soon as we meet somebody (“He plays Fantasy Football, for goodness’ sake!”) and think, instead, how lucky we might be if they’d be open and easygoing enough to take the stuff we dole out. We all have our personal Star Wars mug. I have a lot of them. And I know I’m lucky to have found someone to appreciate them all. In your dating life, too, may the force learn to love it.

So…what’s your Star Wars mug? Come on, I know you have one!

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Big love,

Posted in At the movies, Being yourself, Optimisms | 2 Comments »

The Bachelorette: The Way to Love, The Way to Lose

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

I'm hoping this happy ending with Roberto continues. (Image: Matt Klitscher, ABC)

Sigh. I loved last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. As we’ve all been saying, this was the first time in, like, forever that we would have been happy for both guys to win. And because both guys seemed like such pure-hearted, solid people, they each taught us something valuable about being on both sides of the love coin.

Whether you’re winning or losing in love (and whether or not you’re doing it on a national reality television show) on your path to meet your half-orange, here are four of my favorite quotes from last night on how to do it, which of course made me cry.

The Way to Love

When Roberto proposed, it seemed like he really spoke from his heart, which of course made me cry:

“You told me how important it was to you for your husband to love you unconditionally and to always be by your side no matter what,” said Roberto. “I just…I want to be that man for you. I want to be that man for you. I want to make you laugh, just like this. I want to make you smile. I want to make sure that you wake up every night, every morning for the rest of your life, knowing you’re so so loved.”

The Way to Lose

Chris L's great attitude will lead to a great love. (Image: ABC)

When Ali let Chris go and he looked up to see that rainbow—a sign of his mother looking down on him—it of course made me cry:

“In all this hurt and confusion and what the hell’s going on,” said Chris, “I was like, Wow, that’s just my mom saying, ‘You know what? When you put yourself out there for love, there’s always a chance you’re going to get hurt‘ and I did. I have allowed myself to open up and I’m not good at that, I’m not. And I know she’s like, ‘(clap clap) Good job Chris.’ As much as it sucks losing Ali, I know that’s my mom telling me it’s going to be okay.”

Now, we can’t always know what side of the coin we’ll end up with, which is why love is such a gamble. And so, here’s my favorite insight on…

The Way to Try

As Roberto said…

“Even if there’s the slightest chance that I could end up with her and be happy with her, um, I’ll take it. Even if there’s a chance that I’ll, that my heart will end up broken. I mean, to me, that’s worth it, and I want to take that chance. Ali’s the kind of girl that you take that chance for.”

And while Chris did take that chance and it didn’t work out, remember what he said afterward…

“If I could do it all again,” said Chris, ”I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I just have to learn from it and move on.”

I stand on the side of the fence hoping that Chris will move forward as the new Bachelor. In the meantime, I’ll try to move on from The Bachelorette—and yes, Bachelor Pad will help. Which of course makes me cry. But see? Even in the midst of cheesy television, there is some truth about life. Love’s tough, it’s always a gamble, but it’s worth going for in the end.

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Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It's on TV, Optimisms | Comments Off

Real Love Is Not a Catalog Shoot

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

My friend Todd told me about this brilliant site Catalog Living. It’s a hilarious send-up of home decor catalogs, in which writer and comedian Molly Erdman has created a fictitious family who lives inside the images and comments on the absurd styling.

An aside, when I went to check out Molly’s site, I couldn’t figure out why I recognized her until I watched her reel to place the face. Turns out…she’s the Sonic burger wife! If you have laughed out loud at a Sonic commercial in the last six months, you know Molly Erdman. Annnnway, the site is equally laugh out loud.

Wishing for a picture-perfect life?

A recent favorite, for example, is this clip, “You’re Getting Colder,” in which “Elaine finally found a place where Gary wouldn’t find her prized albino apples.”

Wait…what does this have to do with dating optimism? It’s an important reminder that the perfect life you see on television, in catalogs and in the brief glimpses of other people’s lives is not the whole story. When I was single, I was highly influenced and a little hurt inside when I saw someone else living the perfect life I wanted, when mine felt so much less than. Catalog Living’s funny site is a great reminder that people’s lives and relationships are not always what they seem.

We are all different types of people. We have different tastes in furniture, in work, in cities, in the people we enjoy spending time with—and whether or not we put bowls of green, red, albino or no apples on our credenzas. No one’s life is perfect and real love is not a photo shoot! The relationship you want is more likely about a comfortably messy bed and a water stain on the sisal carpet, an argument over paying the bills and a few differences in what you like to eat for dinner. Life is messier than the catalogs will have you believe, and kudos to, ahem, Gary and Elaine for pointing out that this is good news for all of us.

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Big love and happy cataloging,