Okay. I need to rant. Positively, of course.

I’ve gotten a lot of letters recently from singles who start out their notes to me asking how in the world someone is ever going to like them when they’re… [insert flaws here].

Why should they love thee? Count the ways! (Image: Amy Spencer)

Women think their average looks or chunky thighs or sense of humor or tomboy nature is unappealing to men. Men think their bald spots or clunky car or average job or overweight physique is unappealing to women. And if you have any qualities about yourself or features in your life that you also think are a turn-off, let me say this:

If you don’t think you’re someone worth dating, neither will anyone else. I will say that again, because I want you to imprint this in your brain and remind yourself of it every second. If you don’t think you’re someone worth dating, neither will anyone else.

If you think you look unattractive or too old or too out of shape or your job is too plain or kind of lame, you will create that energy around you. And when you meet new people or go on dates, those new people or those new dates will think, “Hmmm, I don’t know why I think this, but maybe she’s unattractive or he’s too old or they’re too out of shape or their job is too plain or kind of lame…” You know why they think that? Because you think that. You are the one creating that energy.

Let me be blunt, too, because a lot of letter-writers commented on how unhealthy or unappealing or unattractive people felt physically. “Who’s ever going to love me when I look like this?” someone asked. To that I say: If you don’t feel you look your best, then do something that will make you feel better about it! For you guys who said you have bald spots, maybe you get your hair cut shorter so your bald patch isn’t something you are constantly thinking about. For you women who said you dress frumpy to hide your body, maybe it’s time you dressed in clothes that make you feel more confident and slimmer so you’re not thinking about your weight. And maybe we—me included—could all start running or going to the gym or eating healthy. Do what you have to do to feel as confident as possible in your own skin. But even if you do none of these things and walk out your door tomorrow exactly as you look today, you have to feel different about yourself.

Here’s something that can help: Write a list of 50 things that are awesome about you: What you know, what you can cook, stories of places you’ve traveled to, experiences you’ve tried, jokes you tell well, skills you have, how big your heart is, and how big your desire to be a great partner.

If you start to feel you are a catch, you’ll start putting energy out there that you are a catch, and those you meet will start to respond that way. You’ll become a catch. So do what you need to do to remind yourself why you’re awesome. If you think you’re someone worth dating, other people will think so too.

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Another positive rant: “Should I settle for a nice guy I don’t really like?”

Big love,

When I was single, I was a little bitter about Valentine’s Day.

Even Dunkin' Donuts gets the love bug. (Image: Amy Spencer)

Oh, I loved the days leading up to it, when the future beamed bright with possibility, when any minute I might get some flowers from a secret admirer, a call to be asked out on a date, a surprise invite to a special dinner. But then D-Day—uh, I mean V-Day—would arrive. Ugh, right?

Because there I’d be, single as usual. And while I was already feeling extra lonely, I then had to spend the whole day and night watching couples who had what I desperately wanted flaunting it in my face all day long: kissing, hugging, holding hands, feeding each other candy. It was like a cruel holiday invented just to torture people. It’s like a holiday called “Totally Rolling In It Day” where rich people walk the streets with wads of cash, throwing it into the air and laughing. Who could be so cruel?

Well, never mind all them. If you’re single, you can still have a fab, fun Valentine’s Day! Here are my four big DO’s and DON’Ts for how to celebrate Valentine’s Day solo:

1. DON’T talk about how much you hate Valentine’s Day! I know, I know. You want to spend all day talking how stupid this dang day is. Don’t. Don’t moan and groan. Don’t stick your figurative tongue out or your finger up at it. If you DO, any hopes you of attracting someone positively to you personality are sure being pushed away with a negative attitude like that. You don’t have to love it, but you’re only hurting yourself if you verbally hate it.

2. DO celebrate love. Right now you may not have a special other half in romance, but you have love in your life. And you want more of it in your life, right? So get with people you do love—your friends, your family—and give them your Valentine’s attention. Tell them why you love them and tune into how you feel when you do. Then think: That is how you want to feel in your ideal relationship.

3. When you see other couples, DON’T hate on them. As nauseating as they are with all that smoochy PDA, instead of wanting to strangle them, look at them, smile and say, “That will be me. That will be me.” Someday, you know, you’ll be that couple holding hands and smooching with other singles growling at you. Spread the love.

4. DO buy yourself flowers. Like all things in life, you deserve to have joy and gifts and love and beauty—and you don’t need to wait around for someone else to give it all to you. Give the gifts of life to yourself. Especially flowers. Put a bouquet on your desk or dining table today and let it be a reminder that you want the same feeling in a relationship: Something bright, fresh and warm that you love looking at…and that smells pretty good, too.

Now, if you do have a Valentine this year and you want to make the most optimistic choices with and for them, check out two heart-shaped stories of mine on the topic: How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day on a Budget on my personal blog, and my brand new story for Match.com’s Happen Magazine called How to Have a Long-Distance Valentines’s Day.

If you can think of any other optimistic ideas for how to celebrate the day solo, let me know!

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Have an Optimistic Valentine’s Day!

Big love,