Optimisms
Cheering each other on
10 Things All Singles Must Do!
I made this list for Match.com’s Happen magazine, and it comes up so often with my single friends, I think you should know about it, too! Here’s my checklist of experiences to try before settling down.
By Amy Spencer, TheLifeOptimist.com
1. Travel alone. Whether you’re trying to find your way through the Paris Metro or the London Underground, haggling over a painting in Mexico or choosing where to bed down in the Badlands, traveling by yourself builds a confidence you simply can’t get any other way. In an unfamiliar place, you have to make decisions by yourself, for yourself every day, which will build a self-reliance you’ll always treasure—even when you become part of a twosome.
2. Wallow in the ache of a broken heart. Oh, the pain. The agony. The pints of Ben & Jerry’s in front of the cable TV. Yep, getting dumped is beyond awful, but guess what? It’s the only way that you’ll develop the empathy you’ll need to be a better partner in a relationship. Because if you’re sensitive to the grief someone else has caused you, you’re less likely to do the same to anyone else. So, consider this painful milestone a lesson in karma that’ll serve you well as you travel through your dating days.
3. Spend a weekend with a married couple your age. On lonely nights, it’s common for single folk to envision marriage as a cozy scene from a J. Crew catalog. But spend 48 hours with a real couple and you’ll learn that in between the snuggling and pet names comes a little growling or some silent treatments before they ultimately compromise—a reminder of what married life is like, warts, smushed toothpaste tubes and all. But please, pay attention to the snuggling, too. The more you can envision the affectionate and loving relationship you want in couples you know, the sooner you’ll get it yourself.
4. Don’t come home all night. That’s right, wild thing. Crash on a friend’s couch or take your friends up on that offer of a last-minute trip. Once you have a mate, you can’t just take off on your own without explanation. And, truthfully, you won’t want to. So if you don’t have someone you have to call and check in with every few hours, take this opportunity to check out!
5. Stand up for a cause you care about. Whether you volunteer to help register voters for the next election (why not start early?) or convince your neighborhood or apartment complex to start recycling, get fired up over an issue when you have the time to devote to it. It will remind you that while finding your half-orange is pretty darn important, there are other issues at stake in the world that could use your help. And besides, the big-heartedness you’ll be cultivating is very attractive.
6. Have a real adventure. Learn to fly a plane, surf some big waves, start your own business, or take off on a trip with your best friend. Give yourself a high by doing something just for you, just for the experience—without having someone at home worrying about you or nagging you not to. Oh, and one more gift with purchase: Think about how much fun you’ll have telling your next date about your daring experience.
7. Learn how to take even more care of yourself. Being solo shouldn’t keep you from cooking some slamming meals for yourself, even if it’s mac and cheese with your own three-cheese spin. (Hello, more leftovers for you!) While you’re at it, learn how to stream those Netflix rentals onto your television, sew on replacement buttons, and fall madly in love with yourself. You’ll feel strong and self-sufficient—and you’ll be well armed with skills to share when you are in a relationship.
8. Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it. Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll start thinking about your partner before you purchase pricey items—not just “Will he or she hate it?” but “Is this where I want to be putting my money if we’re saving for a wedding?” The single life means a single bank account and an excuse to blow a wad of cash without (some of the) guilt. So, make yourself happy and buy something you crave, whether it’s an expensive vintage movie poster or a macked-out mountain bike.
9. Develop a hobby. Learn to woodwork, play acoustic guitar, speak French, DJ on turntables, or make digital short films for fun. Of course you can (and should) still have hobbies when you’re dating someone, but your solo time is prime time to devote yourself to something that makes life more interesting for you—and makes you more interesting to others.
10. Be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months. Hop-scotching from one relationship to the next can do you a disservice. Why? Because you’re never more ripe for self-reflection than when you’re on your own—and the more you know yourself, the more likely you are to find someone who’s right for the real you. And if you’ve been single for much, much longer than that, just think how sweet a catch you are by now…just in time for a half-orange to recognize how fabulous you really are.
Have I missed any big ones that would make the list even more complete, or do you agree with the ones that are here? Tell me what you think!
You might also like:
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11 Ways Being Single Beats Being in a Relationship
Big love,
The Toils: A Good Thing!
Toils are usually seen as a pretty bad thing, being all about work and witches chants (that whole boiling and bubbling, toiling and troubling thing). Well, I’ve started to see the toils in a new light.
Roll with the rough stuff to get to the good stuff! (Image: AS)
It happened while re-painting my living room wall from a sunshine yellow to a more chill Restoration Hardware “Latte” color. I was giddy about painting for days…until my husband and I officially started the job yesterday by taping up all the edges. Ugh, the taping. What could possibly be good about taping, right? Then it hit me: The fact that I’m taping means I’m really close to the fun part!
In fact, all the super-fun things we do in life require some toils. Throwing a big party: fun! Well, after you do all your shopping and heave a dozen bags from your trunk to the kitchen counter and cook for two days. Going to an amusement park: a blast! You know, after you circle the five-acre parking lot and walk half a mile to the entrance. Having a baby: a miracle! After you survive a few months of waddling and that whole labor thing. And that bursting, goose-bump moment when you realize you really really like your date: priceless! But you only get there after you’ve been through a bunch of bummer dates and some lonely nights leading up to it. Like the cusp of brilliant moments (see: Life’s Most Underrated Moment: “The Cusp”) the toils are something to be grateful for.
The toils and troubles—however small they may be—are not the enemy. They’re the necessary gauntlet to get to something you really want. They’re a sign of great things to come. And it’s the toils that’ll make you appreciate what you get like you never would have before. So the next time you’re trudging to a date, a dinner, a meeting or a hardware store, silently thank the toils for what they really mean: You’re that much closer to the good stuff! You may even be in for fun you forgot was coming. Now that we’ve finished painting the wall, I realize there’s an even better part: peeling the tape off like Elmer’s glue from your hands. Ahhhh.
Big love,
What’s Your Black Jewell?
Today, I got one of my favorite packages in the mail: My new supply of popcorn kernels. (And yes, I realize I talked about popcorn yesterday, too. I can’t help it…it’s my vice!)
What's the jewel in the next person you meet? (Note: This isn't black kernel popcorn, though it still looks good!)
Since I get bored with your average everyday yellow corn kernel I mix it up by getting various kinds of kernels, from ruby red to purple to dwarf whites. But my absolute favorite? Black Jewell, a tiny kernel that pops into a miniature piece of super-crunchy, nutty-flavored, snow white popcorn. (There are lots of other black or even midnight blue kernels, too, and they’re all worth trying.) Yet I wouldn’t have known about Black Jewell were it not for my friend Yvonne who was making some one night when I “popped” over to her place. After just one bite, my life changed just that much for the better.
Well, guess what? Life is full of little moments like this that can change your life for the better and we often have other people to thank for showing us the light. Remember that: Everyone you meet in life is there to teach you something—if, that is, you’re open to figuring out what.
I remember the first person who played me Nina Simone and the first person who fed me something with cilantro in it (after which I apparently screeched to my friend, “It tastes like dish soap, you have to try it!”). I’m sure your life list is equally full of experiences you would have missed out on had you not been open to trying it, tasting it, listening to it, or giving it a shot.
If you’re looking for a relationship, now’s the best time to open your eyes, your ears and your heart and pay attention to what people can teach you. Maybe you learn about a new something, or maybe you learn a new something about yourself. Don’t get so caught up in reaching the finish line of the right relationship that you don’t notice all the great stuff you can learn along the way! And the truth is, if you start looking around you instead of straight ahead, you might find that the right relationship is standing next to you trying to get your attention.
Love isn’t all about getting to the finish line. It’s about finding the Black Jewells along the way—the things that will make your life a little sweeter and make you sing a little louder. So pay attention today: If you’re open to it, you might find something that changes your life even that much for the better.
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Big love and happy popping,
Have You Tried Circuit-Dating?
I like to think I could live on popcorn. But ask me again after I’ve eaten a super combo tub of movie theater popcorn with a few presses of “butter.” The fact is, too much of one good thing is too much.
Heart of all trades! (Image: AS)
As most fitness experts will tell you, for example, circuit training works better than spending all your time doing one single exercise over and over. And more generally, cross-training works well, to: If you’re spending all your time running on the treadmill, for example, you could use some yoga to balance your body and mind out.
It’s like life: If you’re spending all your time working, or all your time partying or all your time zoning out to Hulu, you won’t feel like you’re living a well-rounded life.
And, surprise surprise, the same goes for dating. If you’re looking for all your dates online, or seeking all your dates among your group of friends, or hoping to run into all your dates in your neighborhood, you’re not giving yourself a well-rounded opportunity to meet your half-orange. Try circuit-living and circuit-dating: Branch out!
Spend some time winking to cute folks online. Spend one night over cocktails at a fab spot. Spend one weekend visiting a park in a new neighborhood on a Saturday afternoon for Frisbee. And please, give yourself some time to sit alone on patch of grass under a Dogwood tree with a can’t-put-down book. Dating isn’t just about the face-to-face meetings, the one-on-ones. Dating is also a state of mind. You don’t always have to be “out there” dating to meet the right one. You just have to be living a happy, authentic life. Keep yours vibrant and full so your love life doesn’t get stuck in treadmill mode.
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Big love,
How I Met Your…Quirks
If you don’t watch How I Met Your Mother (Mondays on CBS), you’re missing out on some big laughs. It’s a refreshingly un-reality-based sitcom that’s not only full of brilliantly current writing, but also some surprisingly deep insights about life, dating and love.
Ted (played by Josh Radnor) makes a smart speech (Image: CBS.com)
Last night, for example, Ted ended up on a blind date with the same exact person seven years later. It took both of them a minute to realize, “We’ve been on this date before!” Yet, as true optimists who decided to gain something good from their date no matter what, they took turns telling each other what turned them off about each other the first time around so they could learn about themselves for the future—i.e. she didn’t like that Ted pointed out typos in the menu and made a lame joke about how not sharing the oysters would be “shellfish.” He didn’t like that she likes to dress her cats in costumes. In the end [SPOILER ALERT!], as the pair tried to figure out whether or not to have a go of it this time, Ted said this to his date:
I just remembered why I didn’t call you. I like finding typos in menus. And I know my shellfish pun is stupid, but the truth is, I’m not suddenly going to stop making stupid jokes. Shouldn’t we hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kinda likes them?
Yes yes yessss! I know that some people love to say that choosing a partner is all about compromise, but as I say in Meeting Your Half-Orange, it’s about possibly compromising later—once you’ve found someone you feel is compromising for. But you shouldn’t have to compromise who you are. You shouldn’t feel you have to hold back saying things, or feel you’re not allowed to love your cats, or think it’s no big deal if someone doesn’t get your jokes. Why? Because it’s a big deal if someone doesn’t get your jokes!
Your jokes are a representation of who you are. What you find funny is a combination of what you’ve learned in life, how your brain works, what your heart feels and what will make you laugh every single day for the rest of your life. Do you really think it’s okay to settle for someone who doesn’t get what makes you laugh for the rest of your life? Nothing comes between Brooke and her Calvins and nothing should come between you and what makes you laugh. Period.
So do as Ted says: Hold out for the person who doesn’t just tolerate your quirks, but absolutely definitely likes them. Because when you’re totally being who you are, that’s when you’ll meet the person who’s totally right for you.
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Mad Men: More Than Eye Candy
A Gleeful Reminder
Big love,
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