Optimisms
Cheering each other on
8 Gifts to Give Your Holiday Dating Self!
‘Tis the season of giving, right? But while you’re out shopping for other people, perhaps it’s worth looking at what gifts you could give your love life this year. Here are 8 special gifts I think your single dating self could use a dash of this holiday.
Give yourself variety, celebration and "nuts" about 'em love.
This season, give yourself…
1. …the gift of acceptance. Just this week at least, accept the things about yourself that probably won’t change—that you’re loud, or laugh funny, or a clean freak, or have spicy food fears—and start asking for the partner who will appreciate you for all of it.
2. …the gift of variety. The holidays are all about a little of this and a little of that, right? Some singing, some baking, some traveling, some resting. So give your dating life the same feeling that you’re sampling it all. This holiday, try new types of people and new types of dates. Say yes to someone you might normally turn down and aim to find the sweet jelly lesson in the center of it.
3. …a gift that only you can use. When you become part of a couple soon, you won’t be able to help thinking about your partner as often as yourself (i.e. “I kind of want tickets to this show…but would my love prefer something else?”) If you don’t have another half to factor into your life equation right now, then prove it by getting those tickets to the quilt exhibit or the punk rock show, or taking that two-day drive through the country. Every day is a gift; don’t wait for a partner to start appreciating it.
4. …the gift of self-confidence. Love the things about yourself that probably won’t change—that you’re loud, or laugh funny, or a clean freak, or have spicy food fears—and start asking for the partner who will appreciate you for all of it. Those unique things about you is what makes your gift different than any other.
5. …the gift of a group love hug. Ever find yourself thinking, “Waaah, nobody loves me!” Well, that’s baloney and you know it. Maybe, right now, you don’t have a partner in your life to share that romantic love. But love itself? It abounds in your family and friends if you’ll just notice it. Don’t do to love what those people who have dissed you have done to you: Give the love around you the time of day. Remind yourself how it feels to have it in your life. Give and get some loving group hugs and think, “I can’t wait to feel this with my half-orange soon.”
6. …much too much of something. I know all the health magazines are full of stories right now about how to have just one chocolate espresso bean instead of a full plate of cookies; how to eat the holiday veggies instead of the gravy. You know what I think? Give into abundance. Have some holiday cookies, decorate with extra ornaments, give too many gifts and drink the dang eggnog (and sure, spike it with a little too much rum!). The love you’re looking for is overflowing and abundant, right? Well, then let your holiday feel that way, too!
7. …an impractical date gift. In such economically tough times, people are looking at practicality more than ever: I mean, do you really need a $75 rabbit wine opener? The problem is, you may be doing the same thing in dating: Do you really need to buy that spa-smelling hair conditioner for your date? No. But if it’s going to make you feel more fabulous and gorgeous than ever when you step foot into life and your search for love tomorrow, I say splurge.
8. …the gift of a fresh, new clean slate. The New Year is all about starting over, and that means erasing all the messy stuff on your emotional chalkboard, too. This holiday, it’s not about what happened in love last year, last month or even yesterday. It’s about what you do today to bring the love you want tomorrow straight to you. So start unwrapping that big red bow of hope and get celebrating.
You might also like:
10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Being Single
10 Things All Singles Must Do
Big love and very happy, loving holidays,
The Motorcycle Lesson
My sister Liz has been a wise source of information for me these days. This time, the a-ha came when she was telling me about the motorcycle lessons she took two months ago.
Steer your life as you would your bike (Image: Yamaha Star VMax)
She was laughing about how funny it is that when you get confused for a second about which way you’re supposed to turn or lean to make the bike do what it wants (in her case, make it around some orange cones in a parking lot), you need only follow the golden riding rule: Look where you want to go and the bike will steer you straight to it. And isn’t that a great rule for life and love? Look where you want to go.
It’s why, for instance, if we see an accident on the side of the road, we sometimes find ourselves driving straight into it. Or if we swear we won’t become attracted to a total player, we somehow end up embroiled in a hot affair with ’em. Our minds and our physical bodies draw us where we’re looking. So instead of using it to steer you toward the car crashes of life, why not use this to your advantage? If you want to be in a certain place in life—in the career or relationship of your dreams, or as a mother or father of a family—look where you want to go and you’ll be led straight to it.
Just do me a favor. Please wear a helmet.
You might also like:
Love Lesson from a Serial Killer
The Edamame Lesson
Big love,
A Miyagi “Love” Moment
So clearly we love Ralph Macchio for being the wax on, wax off Karate Kid who learned the art of karate and life from Mr. Miyagi: “First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Daniel-san, not mine.” Now, Ralph Macchio (who is 48, by the way—forty-freaking-eight, even though he looks and makes me feel twenty-four) is the one teaching us the lessons.
Who's sharing the wise words now, Daniel-san?
This time, it’s coming from Ralph’s latest stint as city councilman Archie Rodriguez on Ugly Betty, who has been dating Betty’s sister Hilda (played so touchingly by Ana Ortiz).
Last week, Hilda finally came to terms with the fact that she’ll never see Archie as more than a really great guy. In fact, at one point in the episode, a salesperson at a department store mistakes Hilda for Archie’s wife, and she leaps to correct the woman with a big, “No! I’m not his wife.”
Soon after that, Archie bowed out of the relationship on his own because he knew he deserved more. This is what he said:
“I love you, Hilda. And, I know you care for me. But there’s someone out there who’s going to be thrilled to be mistaken for my wife. And I deserve to find that person and you deserve to find that person, too. I hoped it could be me, but since it isn’t, it’s time for me to say goodbye.”
How beautifully said. And how worth remembering. If a relationship isn’t working—or a crush isn’t turning into a relationship—remind yourself that it’s not getting you anywhere trying to force love to work. You deserve someone who is going to be thrilled to be at your side! Someone who will brag about you to his or her friends, ramble on about you to their co-workers, and love you like they can’t believe they’re lucky enough to get you. Don’t let yourself settle for anything less.
You might also like:
Babe Ruth: A Dating Strategy?
Big love,
If You Do What You’ve Always Done…
My family and I went to wine country this week in the Santa Barbara area, including the Danish outpost Solvang and Buellton where much of Sideways was filmed. We had a gander at the Ostrich Farm, steaks at The Hitching Post—and, yes, some Pinot Noir.
How fine are you letting *your* wine be? (Image: The Lincourt Vineyard by AS)
We also got to talking about how different wines have come to be so good—how it’s taken decades of new vineyards, new grapes, and new fermentation processes, from oak barrels to stainless steel ones, to create new and better wines each year. My new favorite? The “cold climate” syrah, which is more peppery and spicy than its sweet “warm climate” syrah sister. Who knew?
In discussing all that change and discovery, my sister Liz mentioned a quote she loves, which comes from a master of positive living, Anthony Robbins:
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”
I can’t help but see the tie to dating and love and want to pass that on to you. I mean, think about how many times you’ve found yourself dating the same “type” of person over and over again. Maybe it’s someone who keeps you at arm’s length but never lets you feel safe and appreciated. Or maybe it’s someone you’re trying to make yourself like, but you can’t seem to create a spark. Either way, the fact is this: If you keep dating who you’ve always dated, you’ll keep feeling what you’ve always felt. In Sideways, the main character Miles was used to feeling like a failure at relationships and a failure at his novel, but he found out that if you can change how you see yourself, you can change what you get.
Which is why the same goes for who you allow yourself to be as well: If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be who you’ve always been.
Love who you are, of course. And be proud of what you’ve done and tried and felt to get you where you are. But if you feel stuck—and that’s the imporant part—your stuckness may not be about what the world is giving you. It may be about what you’re putting out or asking for. It’s true of wine and it’s true of hearts: If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. Here’s to doing and getting something wonderfully new.
You might also like:
Gorge Yourself on Good Things!
Julianna Marguiles: All Moments Pass Quickly
Big love,
Boost Your Single Self-Confidence!
I went to a rad event the other night in Hollywood at Raleigh Studios, based on a book and film called The Good Men Project.
The “project,” created by James Hougton and Tom Matlack, was created to build a conversation about what it means to be a man, a husband, a father, a brother, a son. And that night, the panel discussion involved artist Shepard Fairey and Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner talking on the topic. I found them so insanely interesting, I could have listened to them talk for days.
Still, what stuck with me the most that evening was a line delivered by one of the men featured in the film. Stuart Horwitz is a father who’s spent the last few years taking his daughter Fifer out “busking”—playing guitar and singing songs for cash on street corners. While some people, Stuart said, looked at their activity as possibly unhealthy for his daughter, Stuart knew the experience was actually helping build her self-esteem. How? Well, playing music in front of a crowd who hasn’t asked you to be there is scary—but he taught his daughter to not just face those fears, but to dive through them. As Stuart said in the film,
“On the other side of fear is a blissful self-confidence you have to earn, you can’t buy.”
Now, I may have messed up a word or two there, as I jotted that quote down in the dark of the theater. But the message is there, and I think all of us—old or young, single or married, settled or searching—can remind ourselves the same thing. On the other side of fear is blissful self-confidence you have to earn. And the more confident you become in who you really are, the closer you get to attracting your half-orange straight to you.
If you’re single, think of what that means for you. Consider this your Good Dating Project! Whatever fears you have, face them: Call the person who makes your fingers sweat every time you think about dialing. Ask out your crush and find out once and for all if they feel the same way. Dive into that romance with someone you love with your heart but worry about hurting, because you may be surprised to find yourself deeper in it than you ever imagined.
Whatever happens after you face that fear, one thing is true: You’ll be a better, stronger, smarter, bigger person for it. And, as Stuart says, you’ll earn a blissful self-confidence you can’t get any other way.
You might also like:
An Incurable Optimist Has Dating Advice, Too
Wise Words from an Undone She
Man Advice from a 1943 Classic? You Bet.
Big love,
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