Optimisms
Cheering each other on
Is He Your Better Half?
I talk a lot about finding your other half—and specifically, of course, your half-orange. But I found a new appreciation for a term we toss around all the time: your better half.
Who's the better half? You should both be. (Image: ABC.com)
It came while watching Sunday’s episode of Brothers & Sisters, which I happen to love. (I mean, that Sally Field makes me cry happy and sad tears every single week.) This episode, Robert (played by Rob Lowe) was talking about his cancer-stricken wife Kitty (played by Ally McCalista Flockhart). From the podium at a press conference, he said these simple words:
I almost lost my better half.
And suddenly, the words made more sense to me than ever. Because the best gift we can give ourselves in a relationship is to find a partner who is “better” than us in many ways—someone we can look up to, admire and learn from. Someone with a big, warm, wonderful heart who makes you want to be a better person. And you want them, of course, to feel the same way about you.
So when you’re trying to decide if some schmucky date who’s being rude to the waitress and short with you could be your future mate, think again! (And this time, think “no.”) Your life will be enhanced if you can find someone you can look up to who finds being with you just as inspiring. Find your better half.
Big love,
Take it From a Yoga Guru!
I wanted to watch a little cable On Demand last night, and this being January—the time of year when we’re all thinking more than ever about achieving body and mind health—I chose to watch the documentary Enlighten Up! In it, filmmaker Kate Churchill takes on a guinea pig in Nick Rosen, a journalist who is skeptical about yoga and curious to learn more. Their quest takes them to India, where they meet one elder Indian guru in particular who I think was called “the guru of the blissful refuge.”
He looks wise, doesn’t he? Well, he was. The guru sat on a little velvet couch and answered Nick’s questions about why we do yoga. My favorite answer from him was this:
“It’s not important what you are doing. It’s important why you are doing.“
When Nick asked “What do you mean?” the guru used an example I loved. Well, go figure, it is about food, after all:
“You can prepare food for your, just consuming,” he said. “You can prepare food for somebody you love. And you can prepare food for your Ishta, Bhagwan. The Lord. So the action will be the same. Physically. But inside it will be different. And if you are forced to do some cooking for somebody you don’t like, you will do it! You will cook. But you won’t enjoy it.” This, he said, wasn’t just true of cooking or yoga. It is true of “anything my dear, any anything absolutely under the sun. Everything depends on you, hangs on you.”
That message is so important to your dating optimism and something I write about in Meeting Your Half-Orange: What’s important is not that you want to date, but why you want to date. And why do you?
Here, I’ll help you. Why are you dating? To meet someone. And why do you want to meet someone? To be happy. Well, if your goal is to be happy, then stop making yourself miserable and nuts thinking that dating is the only way to get there! Stop forcing yourself to go on a certain number of dates per day or week or making yourself write to people online you don’t feel like meeting, and stop beating yourself up for still being single. If you’re seeking a relationship so you can be happy, well then what the heck are you waiting for? Give yourself the gift of being happy now.
“Happiness not outside,” the guru also said. “It is within us.” The guru’s right. So find the happiness within you—which is why you’re dating in the first place—and start enjoying your life for what it is today. That is where your happiness lies and how your half-orange will come.
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Big love and namaste,
Ride into a Happy New You!
We’re not just on the verge of a new year, but a new decade. That’s big stuff, and you deserve big things in it! In 2010, I want you to ride straight into the life you want.
This decade, you deserve to feel fantastic! (Image: "Boy & Girl on Bike" by Gusto)
Instead of looking at your job as a drudgery, ask for a job that moves you…then start riding toward one that feeds your passion and makes you want to leap out of bed in the morning. Yes, those jobs exist. (My job is like that!) You can be in one, too.
Instead of looking at your life as dead-end and dull, ask for a life full of vibrance and abundance…then ride straight into it.
And instead of looking at your dating life as a dead-end, pointless gesture, ask for and expect a relationship that brings out the best in you…then ride straight into it. Ask for a relationship in which you feel loved for all those special things that make you unique. Ask for a relationship that makes you shine!
A wonderful life doesn’t just happen to you. A wonderful life is something you create. And the same goes for a wonderfully true, adoring, deep, compatible relationship. Those don’t just drop on your doorstep. Those are created by you. Desire it, believe it can happen, and start imagining how incredible it will feel when you have it in your life.
Then start pedaling and give yourself the ride of your life. Happy New You!
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Big love and happy new year,
All I Really Need To Know About Dating I Learned From…Rachael Ray?
I was watching 30 Minute Meals today, and realized how much of what Rachael does for work actually gives us all great advice in dating.
And before you say I’m nuts, let me say that I’ve watched her cook, travel, take bites of food in Hawaii, interview guests on her talk show, and team up with Batali on Iron Chef—and Rachael’s mojo always points back to a few major points that could seriously inspire your dating life.
Here are ten things we could all learn from the 30-minute master in life and love:
1. It’s okay to be a grown-up saying things like “Yum-O!” Well, sometimes, anyway. Because when you’re in love, isn’t that exactly how you feel? Like a big kid? I’m all for raw happiness, real feelings, and unedited energy about good food and love.
2. You should think about what you want Everyday. Rachael’s magazine and show focus on eating well every day. And that’s how often you should be thinking about your own happiness in life and love, too. If you want a big love tomorrow, then you should be thinking about what you want to feel Every. single. today.
3. Cherish your mistakes. When I watched a recent episode of Rachael’s daytime show, laughing at how hard it was to get her frosting onto some cookies, I realized that Rachael shrugs off spills and drips on her public cooking show easier than most of us do in the privacy of our own homes. Well, she’s onto something. If you bump into a bad date, have a terrible day, or your blind date ends up being a total drip…shrug and laugh it off. Mistakes are the real spice of life—the part that makes an average dish memorably special. As I say in Meeting Your Half-Orange, the worse the date, the funnier the story! Rachael’s gotten some good funny mileage from her “I set the Food Network set on fire my first day” story. So get out there and get some mazz-erably awful date stories you can kick back and laugh about, too.
4. Wear comfy clothes! Rachael once said she wears comfortable clothes on her show so she doesn’t have to worry about buttons and seams so tight she can’t reach for her ingredients. Well, the same goes for dating! In some recent advice I gave to Lemondrop.com: What to Wear on a Date, I said, “The whole point is to be liked and appreciated for who you really are, not who you want him to think you are. If you’re in an outfit or makeup or hairstyle you’re not comfortable wearing, it will show in your body language.” Dress in comfy “you” clothes so your date can get to know who that “you” really is.
5. Add cheese. Rachael doesn’t hold back from melting a little cheese on top. And you know what else is cheesy? Romance. Love. Fluttery, happy, flirty feelings that give way to deep compassion and caring. Give into the cheese, people, it’s good for you!
6. Have taste for all kinds of things. Every time I come across an element of Rachael’s empire, she’s talking about something different. She likes Miley Cyrus. Hall and Oates. Fine Italian villas. She’s spent $40 a Day in small fishing villages, and gone all out for fresh oysters in her Tasty Travels. The fact is, few of us are always 100% beach people or 100% mountain-lovers, eat only Thomas Keller or all Carl’s Junior. Even the Osmonds are a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll, and social butterflies love a quiet night cuddled on the couch. So instead of trying to box what you want into one small request, start thinking about how the relationship you want will allow you to be all of who you are, all over the spectrum. A little of this and a bit of that is what makes the best dish and date sing.
7. Laugh it off. Yeah, all of it. The one thing Rachael Ray does on her shows next to talking and cooking is laughing. Your dating life could use some of the same. Don’t let dating become so darn serious, like a straight-edged business transaction. The purpose of the whole thing is to find the person that keeps you feeling your happiest self, right? Start by laughing your way there.
8. Go for the hearty stuff. When Rachael is making a recipe, she doesn’t use the low-fat, low-flavor, blandy-blah version of anything, really. She’s all about big pieces of bread in big pans of simmering oil for filling “sammies.” That’s a girl after my own heart, and an inspiration for yours. Go big with your love life or go home! Do you want an averagely low-key love, or do you want a big, fulfilling relationship that will set you weak in the knees? Ask for the hearty stuff so life will know to bring it to you.
9. Just give it 30 minutes. Some people will tell you they know within 3 minutes if someone isn’t right for them. But it’ll take a little longer than that to know if someone is. Give people more than 3 minutes to show you who they are. In the time it takes Rachael to make a great meal, you might be able to tell if you can have a great start at love, too.
10. When you think of love, think of “oranges.” Rachael’s latest cookbook is her Big Orange Cookbook. Me, I’m more into half-oranges, since that’s who you want to be your other half! A “half-orange,” remember, is based on the Spanish term “media naranja,” and means your sweetheart, your beautifully perfect other half—and yours is out there! So turn on your dating optimism—and take these lessons from one of America’s favorite hosts—to bring him or her straight to you.
Big love,
3 Love Lessons from “It’s Complicated”
I laughed. I cried. I laughed. I cried again. And then laughed. And maybe cried one last time, I forget, really. 
But the fact was, I absolutely loved It’s Complicated. Nancy Meyers, you are my idol. The characters (Meryl Streep’s “Jane,” Alec Baldwin’s “Jake,” Steve Martin’s “Adam” and all the rest) were real and damaged and hopeful and funny. And the story (which I won’t blow, don’t worry), reminded me why we go through all the damn trouble to fall in love in the first place.
Here are the three lessons about love and life I picked up from the new film and want to pass on to you:
1. Yes, it’s complicated, but we do it anyway! Why? Because love can be as rewarding as it can be trouble. Yes, it can hurt us and divorce especially can wreck us, but we get back on the saddle because the feelings and fun and benefits outweigh those tough times. So the next time you’re wondering why you’re even bothering with all this silly, complicated dating stuff, the answer is that a good love—one that nourishes and changes you in wonderful ways—is always worth the effort.
2. Sometimes doing something “un-you” or “bad” can be good for you. Over time, we all get pretty good at being us—we follow the same moral code, keep to the same parameters, date the same types of people. But every once in a while, when something different comes knocking on our door, maybe—just maybe—it’s worth answering. Jane delved into the deep questions of “should I or shoudn’t I” and constantly measured her “rights and wrongs” like we all do; and what I saw her learn and what we all can, too, is that sometimes it’s worth doing some shouldn’t-I‘s so you can figure out what’s right in the end.
3. There is always—always—laughing and crying in love. A good, hearty love isn’t just about being happy for forty straight years. As Jane and Jake talked about their 19-year marriage in the film, it’s about learning what you want from one another, navigating what bugs you both, dealing with who you wish your partner would or could be instead, and balancing your expectations with who you hug at night before bed. And in the end, you don’t get to the long-term laughing happy ending without the tough cries all along the road there. So think about this as you seek your other half. You don’t want someone who will give you an average, boring, okay existence—you want a half-orange who will challenge you and inspire you and help you grow together as a couple along the road of life. Ask for a partner who will weather it all with you, who wants to be nicked and scuffed and wet by a few tears through the years to get to the soft part together.
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Big love,
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