Optimisms
Cheering each other on
What’s YOUR Star Wars Mug?
My husband loves his Star Wars mug. To me, it’s a bit of an eyesore. To my husband, it’s the bright spot in his day, a flashback to his youth, the best coffee vessel on earth.
We all have our own "Star Wars mug." (Image: Amy Spencer)
As I was cleaning the dishes the other day and putting away the helmet, I smiled for the first time when I looked at it. And the reason I came up with what that I was reminded how important it is to value the little things you may not love that your partner holds dear—and know there are plenty of things about us that they hold dear, too.
He, for instance, puts up with the fact that four days out of seven, I’ve filled the room with the scent of fresh-popped corn. He miraculously doesn’t seem to mind that I always want a bite of his food, even when I swear I’m so full I could die. He hasn’t left me over how much I hate doing laundry. And I know my obsession with chairs has become an issue when I realize the Louis XIV chair I was “going to reupholster this week” has been sitting in the laundry room for over a year. So the teeny tiny Star Wars mug? I mean, geez, loving it is the least I could do.
I guess I’m saying this is worth remembering as you date. You know, maybe we should focusing on that stuff as soon as we meet somebody (“He plays Fantasy Football, for goodness’ sake!”) and think, instead, how lucky we might be if they’d be open and easygoing enough to take the stuff we dole out. We all have our personal Star Wars mug. I have a lot of them. And I know I’m lucky to have found someone to appreciate them all. In your dating life, too, may the force learn to love it.
So…what’s your Star Wars mug? Come on, I know you have one!
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Big love,
The Glass Slipper Theory
I received a copy of a book called The Real Secrets Women Only Whisper and found in it a bit of sage dating wisdom I liked.
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Some secrets are worth sharing
In one section, author Donna Estes Antebi talks about what she calls “The Glass Slipper Theory,” in love, explaining that if that glass slipper doesn’t fit, then he’s not your prince. (And guys, glass boots sometimes don’t fit either.) “Getting along with each other shouldn’t be difficult, especially in the beginning of a relationship,” says Antebi. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve heard too many women and men talk about how proud they are of surviving as a couple even though they fight all the time and butt heads all the time. If you’re having those issues in the first three years, can you imagine how the next thirty will feel? What kind of life is that? So take these wise words from Antebi:
“As much as you want to be Cinderella, you can’t stretch a glass slipper. If the slipper doesn’t easily fit, you will find that trying to walk in them on the rocky road of life only gets increasingly difficult as the years go by. Somewhere along the way, the slipper is bound to break.”
Whether you’re a Cinderella or a Cinder-fella, the advice still holds true: Getting along shouldn’t be a battle. Look for the relationship that makes it all feel easy.
Have you ever found yourself sucked into one of those relationships? The ones where the slipper didn’t fit and you tried far too hard to try to make it so?
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Big love,
VITAMIN OPTIMISM: Reach for the Fruit
Let this nourish your optimism and happiness all week long.
Your dose for today…
“Go out on a limb—that’s where the fruit is.” —Jimmy Carter
You can't eat it if you don't reach to pluck it (and yes, tomato is a fruit, remember?) Image: Amy Spencer
We’ve all reached out for things we didn’t get: We apply for a big reach college that doesn’t accept us. We pitch an idea for our dream product that doesn’t get past the first round. And in love, we express our feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the love for us. Losing what we wanted leaves us hurt, bruised and fallen. But it should never, ever leave us too injured to try again. Life and love are all about reaching out. You can’t get what you don’t ask for and you can’t receive love if you don’t give it.
The best things on this earth come from hard-to-reach places, both outside and within yourself. So go out on a limb in love: Tell the person you like how you feel, ask out that stranger at the bus stop, be honest in your online profile about the “serious relationship” you want. Sure, sometimes you’ll get bruised. But other times, reaching out will get you that sweet, delicious, perfect, plump fruit that made going out on a limb so worth it after all.
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Big love,
Dating Is No Job Interview!
When I was single, I found myself working very hard when I went out to make as many guys like me as possible.
Don't make cocktails come to the "office."
I’d laugh, I’d drink, I’d flirt, I’d charm and I’d do my damndest to get the guy to like me so that I could start figuring out if I liked them in return. But whoa, right? Do you see how much work I was putting myself through? That’s like spending the week charming the pants off of every boss at every job in every office in every building on the block and then deciding what kind of job you want in the first place.
What I started doing in dating was that I stopped interviewing for love. Dating, after all, isn’t a job interview. Dating isn’t about needling your way into an office between the times you get to have fun. Dating is supposed to be the having fun part!
So if you catch yourself asking questions about your date like you’re filling out a pro/con list, or catch yourself selling your talents to get them to “hire” you in the first place, step back. Slow down, breathe deeply, and rethink what you’re here for! You want to pick the job you want before you interview, and you want to know how you want to feel in love before you get out there and start looking for it.
As I say in Meeting Your Half-Orange, you would dress the part you want to have in work before you’ll be considered for the job, so start dressing the part in love, too. You don’t need to get every guy or girl you meet to like you, you just have to be your best self so that the one guy or girl who’s most right for you will recognize you as the one for them. It’s not as much “work” as you think. Just be yourself, love yourself and let the best part of you show. The world will take on the job to do the rest.
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Big love,
The Bachelorette: The Way to Love, The Way to Lose
I'm hoping this happy ending with Roberto continues. (Image: Matt Klitscher, ABC)
Sigh. I loved last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. As we’ve all been saying, this was the first time in, like, forever that we would have been happy for both guys to win. And because both guys seemed like such pure-hearted, solid people, they each taught us something valuable about being on both sides of the love coin.
Whether you’re winning or losing in love (and whether or not you’re doing it on a national reality television show) on your path to meet your half-orange, here are four of my favorite quotes from last night on how to do it, which of course made me cry.
The Way to Love
When Roberto proposed, it seemed like he really spoke from his heart, which of course made me cry:
“You told me how important it was to you for your husband to love you unconditionally and to always be by your side no matter what,” said Roberto. “I just…I want to be that man for you. I want to be that man for you. I want to make you laugh, just like this. I want to make you smile. I want to make sure that you wake up every night, every morning for the rest of your life, knowing you’re so so loved.”
The Way to Lose
Chris L's great attitude will lead to a great love. (Image: ABC)
When Ali let Chris go and he looked up to see that rainbow—a sign of his mother looking down on him—it of course made me cry:
“In all this hurt and confusion and what the hell’s going on,” said Chris, “I was like, Wow, that’s just my mom saying, ‘You know what? When you put yourself out there for love, there’s always a chance you’re going to get hurt‘ and I did. I have allowed myself to open up and I’m not good at that, I’m not. And I know she’s like, ‘(clap clap) Good job Chris.’ As much as it sucks losing Ali, I know that’s my mom telling me it’s going to be okay.”
Now, we can’t always know what side of the coin we’ll end up with, which is why love is such a gamble. And so, here’s my favorite insight on…
The Way to Try
As Roberto said…
“Even if there’s the slightest chance that I could end up with her and be happy with her, um, I’ll take it. Even if there’s a chance that I’ll, that my heart will end up broken. I mean, to me, that’s worth it, and I want to take that chance. Ali’s the kind of girl that you take that chance for.”
And while Chris did take that chance and it didn’t work out, remember what he said afterward…
“If I could do it all again,” said Chris, “I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I just have to learn from it and move on.”
I stand on the side of the fence hoping that Chris will move forward as the new Bachelor. In the meantime, I’ll try to move on from The Bachelorette—and yes, Bachelor Pad will help. Which of course makes me cry. But see? Even in the midst of cheesy television, there is some truth about life. Love’s tough, it’s always a gamble, but it’s worth going for in the end.
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Big love,
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