It is written

Cheering each other on

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

Gosh, I love embarrassing questions. Mostly because the questions that people think are embarrassing really…aren’t. When I hosted the Sirius radio show Sex Files on the Maxim channel, I used to get calls all the time from people saying, “You’ve probably never heard this one before, but…” And the thing is, I usually had. Because we’re all human, and our experiences—good, bad and embarrassing—are so often similar.

A new book from Health magazine

That’s why I’m such a fan of the new book that one of my favorite editors—Lisa Lombardi at Health magazine—co-authored. What the Yuck? is full of those questions people are afraid to ask but secretly all want to know.

Now, in honor of those “You’ve probably never heard this one before” questions, I’m going to answer one of them right now. (I also regularly post answers to other questions that have been emailed to me in the “Let’s Talk” Q&A section of this site, so check some out!)

The Question:

“You said never to say never…but this one “never” is hard to argue with: I’ve never been on a date, never been asked out, and, as the movie goes, never been kissed. I just finished reading your book. You might wonder why I read your book if I haven’t had any dating experience yet. I’m almost 24 years old and am truly at the point in my life where I want my half-orange to find me. I am becoming the person I want to be: I recently took up competitive running, lost a good amount of weight, and am now starting to enjoy my life as a graduate student. I want to be a dating optimist but I find it extremely hard when, as far as I know, no one has found me date-able. I find it very hard to believe that any man will be able to love me. I know that I need to banish those thoughts but after this long, it’s extremely difficult to do.” —R.

My Answer:

We’ve all had our “never” times, R. There’s no such thing as a rulebook for how fast or slow people are supposed to go. And by the sound of it, you’re going at just the right pace or you.

I’m so happy for you that you say you’re becoming the person you want to be. And that, I must say, is the best thing you can do for your dating self. Because the more you know who you are and what you want in life, the better you’ll approach future dates and potential partners. Now, as for no one finding you date-able…psshaw! (You get that sound effect, right? I’m waving away that idea as nutbaggy!) You are date-able. You are loveable. You will have a wonderful partner in your life who won’t be able to fathom that you deem him worthy to be with you.

And the first step I think you should take to meet that person is to go on a date. Yep, pull off the Band Aid and get on out there. The easiest and best idea I can suggest is online dating, because unlike a bar or a party or a restaurant, all the people you find on that dating site are there for the same thing—to date! Don’t disguise who you are, don’t put up a photo that doesn’t look like you, don’t say you like things you don’t like because guys might like it. Check the box for “want a relationship,” wink at a few people, and have fun. When someone asks you out, go for it. He doesn’t need to be perfect, he doesn’t need to be your future husband, he just needs to be someone who wants to have a coffee or a cocktail or a meal on a cool fall night over good conversation. That’s it. If you know a friend who wants to set you up, or another place to meet someone to date, go for it.

My point is, dive into a date. First dates are notoriously awkward anyway—whether you’ve had 30 first dates (oh, look at that, another Drew Barrymore movie) or none, so you’re not going to stand out for being inexperienced, trust me. Just go with the idea in mind that it’s nothing serious and that this first date or your first kiss doesn’t need to be the be-all, end-all—you’re just breaking that ice and taking the first step into the rest of your dating life. And you can always keep in mind my favorite mantra: The worse it is, the better the story.

I hope that helps, and I hope you can get your optimism up there. Life, remember, is all about first steps. You’ll be taking first steps when you’re fifty, too, so enjoy these first steps into dating and be confident that because you will have a happy ending, you can enjoy the whole ride along the way.

You might also like:
VITAMIN OPTIMISM: Dance Your Dance

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, It is written, Optimisms, With a little help from your friends | Comments Off on How to Be An Optimist If You’ve Never Been Kissed

Real Love Is Not a Catalog Shoot

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

My friend Todd told me about this brilliant site Catalog Living. It’s a hilarious send-up of home decor catalogs, in which writer and comedian Molly Erdman has created a fictitious family who lives inside the images and comments on the absurd styling.

An aside, when I went to check out Molly’s site, I couldn’t figure out why I recognized her until I watched her reel to place the face. Turns out…she’s the Sonic burger wife! If you have laughed out loud at a Sonic commercial in the last six months, you know Molly Erdman. Annnnway, the site is equally laugh out loud.

Wishing for a picture-perfect life?

A recent favorite, for example, is this clip, “You’re Getting Colder,” in which “Elaine finally found a place where Gary wouldn’t find her prized albino apples.”

Wait…what does this have to do with dating optimism? It’s an important reminder that the perfect life you see on television, in catalogs and in the brief glimpses of other people’s lives is not the whole story. When I was single, I was highly influenced and a little hurt inside when I saw someone else living the perfect life I wanted, when mine felt so much less than. Catalog Living’s funny site is a great reminder that people’s lives and relationships are not always what they seem.

We are all different types of people. We have different tastes in furniture, in work, in cities, in the people we enjoy spending time with—and whether or not we put bowls of green, red, albino or no apples on our credenzas. No one’s life is perfect and real love is not a photo shoot! The relationship you want is more likely about a comfortably messy bed and a water stain on the sisal carpet, an argument over paying the bills and a few differences in what you like to eat for dinner. Life is messier than the catalogs will have you believe, and kudos to, ahem, Gary and Elaine for pointing out that this is good news for all of us.

You might also like:
The Edamame Lesson

Big love and happy cataloging,

Posted in Being yourself, It is written, Optimisms | Comments Off on Real Love Is Not a Catalog Shoot

Just One Thing: See the Good in Others

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

I’m a big fan of a neuropsychologist named Rick Hanson, Ph.D. He’s the founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, a contributor to Huffington Post and PsychologyToday.com, and one of those all-around smart-as-hell kind of guys.

What's good in others? If you look at what they're giving, you will find it. (Image: Amy Spencer

A few months ago I went to a seminar he held about the neuroscience of positive thought and happiness and learned more in those eight hours than I would have watching eight hours of one of the The Real Houseswives Of… marathons. Go figure. But I mention Rick today because of something in his weekly newsletter called “Just One Thing” that caught my eye today.

I know that as a dater, it’s typical to walk away from a date thinking either, “What a waste, I could have spent the night watching reality TV” or “That guy or girl was totally playing me.” Either way, you come home from meeting them feeling worse about yourself and dating than you did before you went out! But Rick Hanson reminds us the importance of recognizing good qualities and intentions in others. As he writes in his most recent Just One Thing newsletter:

Unfortunately, if you feel surrounded by lots of bad or at best neutral qualities in others, and only a sprinkling of dimly-sensed good ones, then you naturally feel less supported, less safe, and less inclined to be generous or pursue your dreams. Plus, in a circular way, when another person gets the feeling that you don’t really see much that’s good in him or her, that person is less likely to take the time to see much that’s good in you.

Seeing the good in others is thus a simple but very powerful way to feel happier and more confident, and become more loving and more productive in the world.

I love this. It’s a reminder that no relationship should be taken for granted. Everyone we meet is someone worth paying attention to, giving credence to, learning from. As Rick says, “See the good in others.” We’re all trying to get by in this crazy world, right? And when it comes to dating, we’re all looking for that wonderfully well-suited other half. By paying attention to the good in others—their positive qualities, the parts that make us smile—it puts our attention where it should be, and keeps our focus on the happy angles that count. The more you appreciate others, the more you’ll tune into the good in yourself and the good in life. And that’s where your half-orange will be.

You might also like:
30 Rock: Are You a Cranky Cow?

Big love,

Posted in In the big wild world, It is written, Optimisms | Comments Off on Just One Thing: See the Good in Others

How to Marry the Right Guy

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

Today, you can get two blogs for the (free) price of one!

Don't marry your half-lemon!

In a special two-fer move today, I’m presenting a guest blog post from Anne Milford, one of the authors of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, and posting a guest blog on their site, about “How to Meet the Right Guy After Not Marrying the Wrong One!”

The way we see it, before you can find the right partner—your perfect half-orange—you need to be willing to let go of the wrong one. And before you will let go, you need a strategy to find the right one. Today’s posts will give you both.

* * * * *

How I Met my Half Orange

by Anne Milford

18 years ago I almost married my half, well… lemon. As much as I tried to convince myself he was right for me, he wasn’t. The relationship was a bit tart, slightly sour, and our two halves didn’t match up at all. Not even close.

My near-miss at the altar led to a book: How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy. Co-written with therapist Jennifer Gauvain, our mission is to help women get unstuck from the wrong guys. However, we’ve discovered that before most women are willing to let go of the wrong guy, they want to know: How will I find the right guy?

For answers, I dove into the self-help section. After reading dozens of horrible how-to-find-a-man-by-totally-changing-yourself books, I finally found one I love: Meeting Your Half-Orange. And what’s even better, I know first-hand that Amy Spencer’s sunny and positive approach works. How? Let me share the chain of events that brought in my own half-orange!

The week before I canceled the wedding, my sister’s fiance suggested a holiday ski trip. He thought a cozy lodge in Vermont would the perfect setting to get to know one another better. My then-fiance’s response: “I hate skiing.” His reaction distilled everything that was wrong about the relationship into crystal-clear focus. I realized that family was not important to him. I also knew I’d never go on another ski trip again. And hey, I love to ski. A tiny voice whispered that this might be my “only chance to get married” . . . and maybe I “should stay.” Fortunately, my gut feelings kicked in and I ended it.

The day I moved home was one of the best days of my life! I was vibrating with happiness. The stars aligned for me. Within days I found a fabulous job. I rented a sunny apartment with floor-to-ceiling windows—just like a tree house. Even my cats were happier! I went ice skating, celebrated, and bought a cool new bike. I was thrilled to be near family and friends again. I was truly, authentically, happily—me.

You can probably guess what happened next. Two months later, an old friend invited me to his brother’s wedding. I can still picture him standing in my doorway that night—mi media naranja. I know my positive, happy, energy led him to me. Coincidence? No way.

The lesson here is that I couldn’t have dreamed up the twists and turns that led the right guy to my doorstep…and neither can you. Just like Amy, I tell women that they need stop overanalyzing everything and start living it up. Optimistic magnetism will bring you the love you want. It sure worked for me. Sixteen years and three kids later, I am so grateful for my magical, loving, and compatible relationship.

And one final word about the ski trip. After our honeymoon, my cats and I moved into my husband’s apartment. A place that was breathtakingly located in the heart of the Rocky Mountains. His wedding gift to me? A brand new pair of skis.

* * * * *

Thank you for sharing, Anne! And the rest of you: Have you had any near-misses when it came to almost marrying the wrong guy?

Now read my guest post on taking the first step toward meeting the right guy.

Big love,

Posted in It is written, Optimisms | Comments Off on How to Marry the Right Guy

Give Up? Don’t You Dare!

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

You don’t have to eat dessert like a grown-up. Nor do you have to dance, sing or play in a swimming pool with wacky foam noodles like one. But when it comes to dating? Yeah, a good healthy serving of adulthood is recommended.

Save the kids stuff for dessert! (Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Which is why today I want to give a shout-out to Bobbi Palmer, an awesome woman whose story appeared in my book, Meeting Your Half-Orange.

Bobbi was so changed by finding love, she began the love coaching company Date Like a Grown-Up and recently wrote an eBook called Confessions of the World’s Worst Dater: Her 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love After 40.

In it, she says more than a few things I agree with, and here is one I want to highlight. Writes Bobbi:

“How many times have you said “I want to meet a fantastic man/the love of my life/my life partner” and then ended the sentence with “but I don’t know how” or “but I’m unlucky in love” or “but my man just isn’t out there.” If you hear yourself saying these things, regardless of whether you are dating or not, I believe that you have essentially given up. You are quashing your true desire. And without this earnest wish, your chance of achieving it is greatly diminished.

When you want something—really want it—you do what you need to do to get it. When you decide—or even act like—it’s unattainable, you stop trying.”

I’m with Bobbi Palmer! It may seem like a blasé utterance when you wave your hand through the air and say, “Oy, I’m unlucky in love.” But the more you say it, the more you will believe it, and the less you’ll try to change your supposed “bad luck.” But remember: We are what we say and we get what we ask for! If you wanted a great bowl of ice cream or a job you knew you deserved, you wouldn’t wave it away—you’d ask for it and make all your wishes come true!

So from now on, do the same with love. Say, “I want to meet a fantastic life partner and I know it’ll happen for me.” You don’t have to believe it at first; talk yourself into it. With a little time and, as Bobbi says, that “earnest wish” that it really happens, you open the door to letting love in.

You might also like:
Letters to Your Future Husband (or Wife)
Want to Be Where You’re Not? Lesson From American Movie

Big love,