Being yourself

Cheering each other on

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

My friend Todd told me about this brilliant site Catalog Living. It’s a hilarious send-up of home decor catalogs, in which writer and comedian Molly Erdman has created a fictitious family who lives inside the images and comments on the absurd styling.

An aside, when I went to check out Molly’s site, I couldn’t figure out why I recognized her until I watched her reel to place the face. Turns out…she’s the Sonic burger wife! If you have laughed out loud at a Sonic commercial in the last six months, you know Molly Erdman. Annnnway, the site is equally laugh out loud.

Wishing for a picture-perfect life?

A recent favorite, for example, is this clip, “You’re Getting Colder,” in which “Elaine finally found a place where Gary wouldn’t find her prized albino apples.”

Wait…what does this have to do with dating optimism? It’s an important reminder that the perfect life you see on television, in catalogs and in the brief glimpses of other people’s lives is not the whole story. When I was single, I was highly influenced and a little hurt inside when I saw someone else living the perfect life I wanted, when mine felt so much less than. Catalog Living’s funny site is a great reminder that people’s lives and relationships are not always what they seem.

We are all different types of people. We have different tastes in furniture, in work, in cities, in the people we enjoy spending time with—and whether or not we put bowls of green, red, albino or no apples on our credenzas. No one’s life is perfect and real love is not a photo shoot! The relationship you want is more likely about a comfortably messy bed and a water stain on the sisal carpet, an argument over paying the bills and a few differences in what you like to eat for dinner. Life is messier than the catalogs will have you believe, and kudos to, ahem, Gary and Elaine for pointing out that this is good news for all of us.

You might also like:
The Edamame Lesson

Big love and happy cataloging,

Posted in Being yourself, It is written, Optimisms | Comments Off on Real Love Is Not a Catalog Shoot

Smart Girls (and Guys) at the Party

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

I only recently came across the web series created by Amy Poehler, Meredith Walker and Amy Miles called “Smart Girls at the Party.” It’s now in its second season online.

It was created for teens and young women to show that being smart is cool and not to back down from being your smart, unique awesome self. Why do I love it as dating advice? Because of the tagline that Amy uses when she introduces the show:

Smart Girls at the Party: The show that celebrates extraordinary individuals who are changing the world by being themselves.

Amy Miles, Amy Poehler and Meredith Walker

The way I see it, the best way to meet your half-orange is to celebrate exactly the same thing: being an extraordinary individual, being yourself. And by being this amazing, unique version of yourself, you can change the world by sharing your happiness with the rest of us. Whether you do it by being a smart girl or guy, or a warm one, a funny one, a sporty one, a talented one, a goofy one, or some other extraordinary version of you, you’ll get the most out of life by being your best.

And of course you know what happens when you’re sending all that happy, full, extraordinary energy out there…you’ll be batting the guys and girls away who want to have a piece of that in their life. Go ahead and bat most of them away, as long as you let your half-orange come through.

Check out the link to an episode of Smart Girls at the Party.

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on Smart Girls (and Guys) at the Party

Let Them Let You Eat Cake!

Thursday, July 1st, 2010

I have cake on the brain today. Why? Because it’s my birthday!

Your half-orange will celebrate with you! Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

And unlike people who see theirs as just another date on the calendar, I’m all about the fuss: the cards, the calls, the emails, the works. You want to send me a dancing gorilla with 100 balloons and an air horn? I’m game!

As I told my husband last night, “My birthday is my favorite day of the year.” When I asked him if he felt the same way about his own, he said, “No. Your birthday is my favorite day of the year.”

He was sort of kidding, but the truth is, he gets a kick out of how excited I get about it and does what he can to help me celebrate. And that’s a big deal to keep in mind in dating, too: Your half-orange will want to celebrate with you over what you hold dear. Really. Science says so. According to a study by Shelly Gable, PhD, psychology professor at the University of California at Santa Barbara, one of the most important habits in happy relationships is not just supporting one another when you’re going through a difficult time, but supporting someone’s good news, happy moments and successes.

Now, I realize having a birthday isn’t much of an accomplishment. But if you’re using your dating optimism, you’re feeling all sorts of excited about life, right? You’re trying new things, embracing your passions and making no apologies for the things you love. So ask yourself this: What makes you want to eat cake? Is it throwing a BBQ on the 4th of July? Toasting the anniversary of the day you met your weight loss goal? Playing fantasy baseball? Watching the debut of your favorite reality show? Whatever it is that makes you want to light some candles and pop some champagne, think about this when you’re out there dating and meeting potential partners. Is your date able to appreciate the good news and celebrations with you, to support how much you love what you love?

If you want cake, your half-orange will want to bake it, buy it or serve it to you. So be clear about what your favorite days are. I know I’m not holding back on this one…

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on Let Them Let You Eat Cake!

The Big Wedding Test: Acceptance, Love & Kindness

Monday, June 7th, 2010

A friend of mine is getting married soon, and it reminds me how much I learned about relationships in the days between dating and “I Do.” And I think it can help you to think about one particular element of this as you seek your half-orange.

I consider myself a really laid back girl. The only time that my laidbackness stood up and screamed was when I was planning my wedding.

It started off so chill, it really did. We booked our barefoot-on-the-beach-in-Mexico locations over the internet, signed up a mariachi band and hoped the tequila would blur any parts of the event that went wrong. (And, oh, did it.) But part way through the wedding planning process, “it” hit. The “it” that makes Bridezillas a ratings baby hit me, too. And I’ll tell you what that “it” is: pressure. A whole big pile of pressure sitting on one person’s shoulders.

As embarrassed as I am to say so, I found myself more than a few times curled up and sobbing in the fetal position. Not because I cared what color flowers we had or what brand of tequila (duh, the best!), but because I was overwhelmed by having to plan an event for the strangest audience ever: I mean, what food, music and drinks do a 7o-year-old from Florida, a 32-year-old fashionista from NYC and an 8-year-old kid from Connecticut really have in common?

Here's me and the hubby on the Playa del Carmen beach. Will he hold your hand through tough choices?

What saved me was my now-husband. He was a gift through it all. He affirmed that we were making the right choices. He said he was grateful for the hard work I was putting into planning. And he pitched in and gently made decisions I couldn’t make myself. That’s when I figured out the secret point of a wedding: If you can survive the wedding planning with acceptance, love and kindness toward each other, you have a great chance of surviving the marriage itself.

Now, I know not everyone necessarily wants to get married, but I think a future event or big life decision like this is worth thinking about as you meet and date: When you look at the person sitting across from you, ask yourself: “How would he or she be through those big decisions? In planning a commitment with each other, creating a home together, building a family, getting the flat tire fixed on a road trip through Italy?” Can you picture this partner at your side, offering acceptance, love and kindness?

Tune into your orange seed on your dates, and see if you feel that acceptance, that love, that kindness. That’s what really counts. Oh, and so does good tequila:

We double-fist beers for the one we love!

You might also like:
The House Hunt: The Gunk and the Good

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, Optimisms | Comments Off on The Big Wedding Test: Acceptance, Love & Kindness

Feeling like you “Blew it?”

Friday, March 12th, 2010

When I talk to single friends or clients I’ve coached about their past relationships and dating experiences, one thing often comes up: The feeling that, somehow, somewhere, they blew it. And we’ve all had that feeling for some reason, right?

Author Marianne Williamson

Maybe you said something to a boyfriend or girlfriend that led to a breakup. Maybe you didn’t admit your feelings to a friend you liked and they started dating someone else instead. And, man, nothing is worse than that feeling of regret. It sits like a rock in your stomach, and turns over in circles when you think about it, making you want to upchuck the whole experience and do it all over.

Well, that’s not how life works, of course. We can’t re-do the past—but we can affect the future and make sure we don’t re-do our mistakes all over again. This past week, I went to see Marianne Williamson speak in L.A., and of the many brilliant things she said, this was one of them:

“What’s worse than, “I blew it”? “I blew it again. And I knew better.”

Since you can’t change your past, be conscious today and this weekend of learning from the times you think you think you “blew it.” If you think you blew it with an ex by nagging or pushing him, work on your communications skills for your next relationship. If you think you blew it with someone you liked by not making a move, work on your confidence. And if you think you’ve blown it by choosing the same lame types of partners in the past (the hot one instead of the nice one, the cool one instead of the smart one, the clingy one instead of the independent one) then choose more wisely the next time.

It doesn’t matter if you think you’ve blown it in the past. We’ve all felt the rock of regret. But as Marianne Williamson says, let go of the past and just do it right this time. You know better now. Do it right the way you know you can.

You might also like:
Get Un-LOST: Nothing’s Irreversible
A Miyagi Love Moment

Big love,