Do You Have IDS (Irritable Dater Syndrome)?

October 20th, 2009

Here’s the weirdest connection to dating you may ever read. Are you up for it?

Look up and ahead to the future—not to your past (Image: Ken Spencer)

Look up and ahead to the future—not back at your past (Image: Ken Spencer)

I read about a study in the medical manual Clinical Gastroenterology and Hepatology, which found that people who suffer from IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) tend to have a link between their suffering and their levels of stress. The solution? Well, the lead author of the study, Jeffrey M. Lackner, Psy.D, found that in a stressful situation, you should focus on what you can do, not on what you should have done to prevent where you are, all of which will help alleviate your IBS symptoms. Well, hells bells, that couldn’t be more true of dating, too.

It’s time to shake your IDS (your irritable dating syndrome) by ignoring the pain in your past and looking toward the happiness you want to feel in your future!

When I was single, I spent many days wishing I had said something different to the guy I liked, because then maybe he’d be in love with me. Or I’d replay a moment in time when I thought I should have approached the guy I saw at the chopped salad place, because maybe he was my perfect match. And you can do that all day long—go over the shoulda, woulda, couldas. But guess what? You can’t change what’s happened so far. All you can do is look at today and to tomorrow. So the next time you’re beating yourself up for being too “picky” or for making dating “mistakes” that lost you a guy you liked, stop it! Stop focusing on what you think you should have done in the past in dating, and start thinking about what you can do now to attract the love you want!

One great first step? Put on a big fat smile so your potential matches can see how gorgeous you look when you’re happy. Relax and enjoy the little things that life has to offer so that you’ll be better prepared to enjoy your partner when he or she shows up. Find a little happiness every day and your IDS symptoms should lighten right up.

Big love,

Posted in Optimisms

Your Life’s NOT in Ruins!

October 19th, 2009

The other day, I caught the Nia Vardalos movie My Life in Ruins. Not only did it make me salivate for Greece (sigh), but I recognized what a lot of us go through in life and love in Nia’s character, Georgia, who was feeling frustrated by her life as a travel guide through the country. Instead of being open to all that life had to offer, Georgia was trudging through the motions of her job, feeling hopeless about her love life, and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. Sound familiar?

If it does, maybe you’d appreciate the same message Georgia got in the film from the character Irv (played by Richard Dreyfuss), who acted as the movie’s wise “oracle.” His finest moment came, I think, when Georgia was giving Irv reasons why she felt she wasn’t close to the love or life of her dreams. When she was finished, Irv had this to say:

“You’re looking for obstacles rather than looking for magic.”

What a genius line. And what a great thing to challenge yourself with, too, when the walls of difficulty seem too high to climb over. When you look to the future love you want to have, are you looking at the obstacles, or are you open to the magic?

Love is not rational, remember. It’s the one thing in life that whisks away even the most practical, organized, type-A. Love is all about magic. And if you want to invite it into your life, start getting good at believing in it! If you focus on the obstacles to having love (“I work too hard to date,” “No one I like likes me back,” “What’s the point, everyone’s a jerk anyway.”), then obstacles are all you will hit. Look, instead, further along the horizon. Look for the magic.

You might also like:
Oh, Sherri: Her Lessons in Love

Big love,

Tags: frustrating, magic, passion
Posted in At the movies, Being yourself, Optimisms

Take the Menu Challenge!

October 16th, 2009

When I was single, I started to worry that I was becoming so set in my ways—what I liked to eat, what time I liked going to bed—I’d have a hard time finding a person to fit into them. After all, the older we get, the more we like things the way we like ’em.

Try something new to show you're open to new

This is natural and healthy, it’s called figuring out who you are. But there is something to the idea that if you keep doing exactly the same thing every single day, you may have a hard time seeing the possibility of a new life with someone else. So here’s an OPTIMISM ASSIGNMENT for you: Order something different off the menu at the place you go to all the time.

I know, I know, you love the chopped salad with the goat cheese. And me, I have the hardest time not ordering the shredded beef Szechuan at my Chinese place. But the thing is, ordering the same thing all the time at the same place is a sign that you may be falling into all sorts of predictable patterns in your life. The same walk home. The same drink out. The same shows on TiVo. But love, as we know, is not predictable. So today, practice doing something unpredictable as a symbol that you are open to new things! To new people, to new dates, to new interests, to a new life with a new partner who’ll make you smile every single morning you wake up—no matter what time you went to bed. Take the menu challenge and see it as a step toward opening up even more for the great relationship you’re meant to have.

You might also like:
The Coffee Test
The Freakin’ Fun Dating List

Big love,

Tags: hungry for love
Posted in Being yourself, Eat your heart out!, Optimisms

Be Happy That…

October 15th, 2009

My single friend Sarah called me last night in one of those bummed out moods because her whole search for love seemed like a pointless, hopeless, exhausting effort. Not to mention, the overtime at work was killing her and her bathroom just flooded. “Can something in my life please go right for a minute?” she asked.

(Clarkson Potter Publishers)

We addressed the real stuff, how she probably needed to take a rest from dating while she found a place of calm and happiness in herself—and sorted out that bathroom. But on a lighter note, if you’re ever feeling like this, sometimes it helps to remember some of the more unlikely or even absurd reasons to be grateful. Enter a book about upbeat, offbeat reasons to smile: Be Happy That…This Book Isn’t Covered in Poison, Plus 100 Other Reasons to CHEER UP. Some of those other 100 reasons:

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Posted in Optimisms

3 Tricks to Flip Your Frustration!

October 14th, 2009

A construction project has been going on next to our house for over two years, which is a long time to wake up to hammers and sandblasters. And for much of the time they’ve been renovating the small apartment units next door, I’ve been frustrated by it.

There is always a brighter side, a better view

You know, just as I get my cup of tea to the front porch with a good book to read, the crane pulls up to—beep beep beep—back in and dig more dirt from the front yard. But since this construction project wasn’t going anywhere, I had a choice to make like we all do every day: I could tense up and hate my days, or I could find a way to love it. My version of, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”

It all reminds me of how I felt when I was dating. How, you know, you can either be depressed and frustrated about being single, grumbling over every bad date and cursing every undependable person…or, you can flip your frustration and decide to find the good in it. Here are three ways to do just that:

1. Make a game out of the unknown. I started to

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Posted in Optimisms

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