LOST: What Can You “Let Go” Of?

May 26th, 2010

This should go without saying, but if you haven’t watched the Lost finale and don’t want anything spoiled…you probably shouldn’t read this. It would be a shame, because this is a damn good post, but I don’t want to be “that person” to you. Watch..then read!

I’m still sad about the end of Lost. And since, all these days later, I still can’t stop choking up when I think about it, I thought I’d give one final thank you to the show for leaving us with something so powerful to think about. In short, these two words, which can provide a world of peace to all of us: Let go.

Jack was holding it all in. Are you?

Yes, there were many threads left hanging following the finale (in fact, College Humor .com did a hilarious video about the Unanswered Lost Questions). Reviewer Tim Goodman put it this way in The San Francisco Chronicle: “As a series finale it overjoyed the heart and annoyed the brain.” So well said.

What I choose to take from the show is, of course, that big “heart” part. And what I choose to remember are the calm, knowing smiles on the faces of our favorite Lost characters as they sat in the church and went so happily into the light.

For those who didn’t follow the show, the finale revealed that a “sideways” alternate universe on the show was basically Jack’s purgatory. And within it, it was each Lost character’s path to come to their own moving revelation of who they’d been to one another and where they were meant to be. The most moving of these moments, in my opinion, was when Sun and Jin’s understanding settled in while she was getting her ultrasound. (Of course, give me Sun and that “cry now!” Lost music and I’m a goner).

The minute each character recognized their past life, their match, their purpose, you could see the calmness on their faces, feel it coming from their souls: They’d let go. They were giving in to their future. Jack was the last one to figure it out. And when Kate held his face in her hands to welcome him to their destiny, you could see how hard he was fighting it, how unready he was to accept the truth. But when we saw how happy Kate was about it, we knew he’d be in so much more peace if he’d just let go.

So it made me think: What can each of us let go of? In dating, if you’re single, I ask you this:

Can you let go of a past that has hurt you? A past that may have caused you to put your guard up and keep it that way? Let go. The next single man or woman who smiles at you, don’t assume they’re out to hurt you or use you. Let go. Let people in.

Can you let go of the perfect picture you have of your future mate? The image you’ve formed of what he or she looks like, how tall they are, what job they have? Let go. The next person you meet in a romantic way, look into their eyes and heart instead of at their clothes. Let go. See how you feel when you’re with them.

Can you let go of the panic that you might end up alone, forever? That stress you’re holding in your body, that worry you carry in your face? Let go. Give a nod to the universe that what is best for your love life will come as it should. Let go. Your other half is out there and will come your way when you are both ready for one another.

Me, I’m going to keep thinking about what I need to let go of in my life, too. Perhaps I need to let go of my quest for perfection that holds me back with fear when I think I can’t live up to it. Perhaps I can let go of being my own worst critic both physically and emotionally.

Letting go is a step to your happiness.

My point is, we all have things we can let go of. By doing so, by letting go, we’ll all feel lighter, calmer, happier and so much more at peace. If you watch the show, think of the looks on the faces of those Lost characters—how calm and content they were to know that they were just where they were supposed to be. With love and others in their lives. At total peace.

We need to give ourselves up to this world that wants the best for us. Loosen your grip, pay attention, accept what’s meant to be yours. Let go.

Tell me: What do you want to let go of? And how will this help you if you do?

Big love,

You might also like:

Get Un-Lost: Nothing’s Irreversible
Head-to-Head: LOST vs. MYHO (Meeting Your Half-Orange)

And…if you still have a little Lost fever, watch the Jimmy Kimmel Aloha to Lost episode. And, thanks to my husband, I’m now a fan of The Sports Guy Bill Simmons, who did this podcast, The B.S. Report 5/24, all about the finale.

Tags: Jack, Kate, Let go, Lost
Posted in It's on TV, Optimisms

Private Practice: Want Everything!

May 24th, 2010

I was talking to a single friend of mine this weekend about what she was looking for in a relationship. After she rattled off her list—and it was a long one—she laughed. “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff,” she said. “I guess I want too much, huh.”

Addison Montgomery wants it all.

I used to think the same thing. After all, how could I get all I wanted to feel in a relationship—feeling appreciated, pretty, smart, funny, needed and special—in one succinct and sexy package? Well, you get it by wanting it. By wanting it and asking for it. Just like you only get the In ‘n’ Out burger “Animal Style” with sautéed onions on it if you want it and ask for that!

It brought to mind a week-old episode of Private Practice, which, over its two seasons, has really grown on me. Even that odd little pouty thing Addison keeps doing with her mouth. One scene was based on a conversation between Addison (Grey’s Anatomy spinoff star Kate Walsh) and Sheldon (the former Dream On star Brian Benben). Both single, both searching.

Sheldon: Is there some glaringly obvious reason why I’m everybody’s second choice?

Addison: Ah, you and me both.

Sheldon: No. Anyone that could choose you, would. You just can’t quite decide what you want.

Addison: Yeah, well, apparently I want everything.

Sheldon: Yeah, you do, and you should get everything. You’re just scared of what it will mean. And being scared…no one lays on a death bed and wishing they had less, less love, no one. So if you love the guy, Addison, for God’s sake, don’t let it get away.

Yes, Addison is lucky. She has a guy she loves in mind. But you don’t need a specific guy or girl in mind. You just need to know how you want to feel with the right person. And when you’re making that mental list, you should want everything and you should get everything. Don’t be scared that asking for it will hold you back. Because asking for it is the one thing that will open your whole world up.

Big love,

Tags: Addison, Kate Walsh, Private Practice, single
Posted in It's on TV, Optimisms

Your Partner in Crime

May 19th, 2010

In Meeting Your Half-Orange, I said I was looking for a teammate in a relationship, a real partner in crime. And I have a set of friends who reminded me this week of what that means.

Danika & Dan: Partners in crimes...and contests

My friends Danika and Dan are getting married in June, and as a goof, they applied for a contest to win free wedding photography from an amazing photographer named Ian London. They submitted their adorable “How we got engaged” story (it involves her obsession with Ninjas) and to their surprise, made the Top 5 Finalists. Now, because they really want to win, they’ve come together as a team and reached out to get help from as many corners of the friend-and-family world they can. Watching them do this has reminded me how important it is to seek that feeling of a true teammate when you’re looking for love.

Think about that when you’re talking to the next person you meet, the next potential date you find yourself on. Will he throw you the ball, and will he catch it? Will he give and will he take? You’re talking about the ride of a lifetime, so ask yourself this: Will he take my hand and ride life with me with a smile? That’s what Dan & Danika have found in each other, and that’s what I want for you.

Now, in honor of all that teammate energy, do you want some amazing love karma for yourself? Just do this: 1) Click here and then 2) check the box in front of “Danika & Dan” It takes 11 seconds. And they need you, because voting ends tomorrow, May 20th. You can also read their engagement story if you want, by clicking on “Engagement Story Finalists.”

Karma feels good, remember. And as you seek your perfect other half and set off for your own adventures with your partner in crime, you’ll reap what you’ve been giving along the way. To get love, it helps to support love. To have it in your own life, it helps to celebrate it in others.

Think team, think twosome, and get the Orange Buzz in your belly for how powerful it’s going to feel when you have it in your life. And, wait, did you vote for Dan & Danika yet? Either way, I wish you the best co-pilot your ride of life can ask for!

You might also like:
If you still haven’t voted for Danika & Dan, don’t you want to?
The Coffee Test

Big love,

Posted in Optimisms, With a little help from your friends

Grey’s Anatomy: “Be Positive Tomorrow”

May 18th, 2010

I wanted to answer a question that comes up in dating optimism at some point or another: “Do you always have to be positive about dating?” No. You don’t.

Bailey is a fan of all feelings (Photo: By Ron Tom, ABC.com)

And when I saw the theme of this week’s “Shiny Happy People” episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I thought it was a good time to remind us all of this.

This is how Grey opened the episode:

“It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life. As children we’re told to smile, be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults, we’re told to look on the bright side, make lemonade and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part, though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments when you just want to get real, to drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self.”

Later in the episode, when a patient named Amber found out she was going to lose three fingers, her positively-trained reaction was to smile and be grateful that she was alive at all. As her friend said (played by Emma from Glee!) Amber should see the bad news as just a small bump in the big ride of life. But Baily (played by Chandra Wilson) could tell Amber was struggling. She was faking her feelings. So Bailey gave Amber permission to embrace her true, scared, unhappy self instead.

Bailey: “You can cry, Amber, it’s fine. It’s a lot to take in all at once.

Emma from Glee: No, she needs to stay positive. That’s how we get through, we stay positive.

Bailey: She was excited. She was hopeful. She was eager. And that has been crushed. She has the right to have some feelings. She can be positive tomorrow. [to Amber] You can be positive tomorrow.

The truth is, real health and happiness comes from feeling it all. When bad things happen—and bad things do happen to good people, all the time—you may be tempted to try to look on the bright side each and every time. And I encourage you to get better at doing that. But sometimes, the hurt is immense and our heart needs to sit with it for a while. Sometimes we need a good cry so we have the energy to be positive tomorrow.

So if you’ve been going through a rough time and had your hopes in dating, love or life dashed, I say this, as Bailey did: You can cry. It’s fine. Keep wiping tears and writing angry letters that you’ll never send to your ex or to God and keep sobbing it out, because the only way you’ll get past the messy stuff is to empty it from yourself, until you can’t cry another tear and frankly can’t be bothered to. You can be positive tomorrow. And with all those tears shed, you’ll be far more able to.

You might also like:
The Grey’s Way: How Not to Get a Date
Love Lesson from a Serial Killer

Big love,

Tags: Grey's Anatomy, surviving set-backs
Posted in It's on TV, Optimisms

OPTIMISM WORKSHOP: Your Big Love List!

May 17th, 2010

Welcome to the very first HALF-ORANGE OPTIMISM WORKSHOP!

Update your Big Love List! (Image: TheWritersWorkshop.net)

The project: Revising a Big Love List. One of the most important pieces to attracting your half-orange is knowing what kind of orange seed you want to plant—i.e. what kind of relationship you want in the first place. I walk you through the process in Meeting Your Half-Orange so some of you are now tackling your own lists.

The plan: I take one reader’s Big Love List and make some notes so you can see how to revise your own to bring your half-orange even sooner! Meghan, you see, asked for a little help with her list, and I thought it would be helpful to show you her list (with her permission) along with my thoughts on it. That way, you can help hone your own list so you know how to really work your Orange Buzz.

Here’s what Meghan wrote:

“I don’t know if I will ever know what I want fully…I guess this is a jumping off point. At the end of the day, I want someone who:

—Makes me feel I am the only person in the room
—Challenges me mentally, physically, emotionally
—Creates space for us to grow as a couple and for us as individually
—Can tolerate my family and reminds me that they are not what define me solely
—is honest, communicative, and authentic
—believes deeply in who he is and is open to pursuing his own emotional health
—is stable in his finances
—who makes me feel incredibly sexy, even when i am in my pjs
—is open to a spiritual journey
—finds the humor in the mundane and in the big events
—enjoys dogs and will put up the idiot one I own
—is adventurous, not only in travel, but in life
—can appreciate that I enjoy sports
—is a gentleman, yet respects my independence
—is educated and knows the importance of an education
—wants a family
—fights fair
—appreciates the arts and is willing to invest in them”

Here’s what I have to say about this list: I love it! I love the first item—because you should feel that special with your other half! I also love the idea of seeking a relationship with a man who is open to pursuing his emotional health, and with someone who will not only get along with your family, but support you with them. And of course I grinned when I read that he should find you sexy even in your PJs.

Really, it’s not up to me to comment on every item, because each of us wants something completely different from a partner and in a relationship.

But I do have one big suggestion, Meghan, and it’s this: Re-frame the list. As it is, this Big Love List is a checklist of what you want in a guy. You want a guy who is adventurous. A guy who is stable. A guy who appreciates the arts. But here’s the thing: You don’t want a guy…you want a relationship! This may sound like a small distinction, but as I explain in Meeting Your Half-Orange, it’s a big one! Let me explain:

—You don’t want a guy who “finds the humor in the mundane and big events.” What you want is a relationship in which you’ll laugh with your partner at the mundane and big events.

—You don’t want a guy who “is a gentleman.” What you want is a relationship in which you respect your partner and how he treats others, and in which you feel respected and appreciated for your independence.

—You don’t want a guy who “wants a family.” What you want is a relationship in which you have or create a family, with love, together.

See, when you put all of your focus on a guy, you’re taking the power and the energy out of yourself and focusing it on him. It’s kind of like you’re shining a flashlight beam out there to find that sole person who will be all of these things. Instead, flash the beam back toward yourself. Give yourself the power and the energy by tuning into how you want to feel in a relationship. Forget the guy…what will make you shine?

What you can do from here: Re-frame your Big Love List! This is for Meghan and anyone else open to love. On a piece of paper, write six to ten times: “I want a relationship in which I feel…” and fill in those blanks! Once you do this, you’ll notice a change in how you see the world around you. It will open up the world to you in incredible new ways! Once you revise your list, you’ll find yourself walking into parties or coffee shops and instead of scanning the guys to see if they appear to “fit” the guy you’ve built on this checklist, you’ll know that it’s about how you feel when you talk to him—and if he matches how you want to feel on your new list.

Big love,