Optimisms
Cheering each other on
The Freakin’ Fun Dating List
Last month, my friends and I got together on a Friday night. We were about to fall asleep on the couches in front of the TV when we decided to give ourselves some get-up-and-go: We made a list of all the fun things we could potentially do, cut the ideas into separate pieces and put them all in a hat. (Yes, we’re grown-ups.)
What's on your list? (Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net)
We decided we’d do the first three items we picked from the hat. Suddenly, the adrenaline was running high: “Oh no,” I thought, “Someone suggested “Ring & Run”…what if we picked that one? (Wait, are we grown-ups?)
In the end, we picked “Get a cocktail,” “Go swimming in the bay” and “Dance to a song of Todd’s choice.” It turned out to be an epic evening of night swimming, dancing and dares as we tackled the items on the list. And it makes me wonder: If we can find the fun in living life like that sometimes, shouldn’t we be able to muster that same joy about love and dating? And the magic may be in the list.
An article in the Journal of Applied Biobehavioral Research reported a few moons ago that exercisers who wrote down ideas about how to make their effort more enjoyable ended up doing those things, which did, in fact, make their exercise more enjoyable. Ta-daaa!
Sounds like a great idea to apply to your love life, doesn’t it? Now, I’m a big believer that if you’re not enjoying dating, don’t do it. But if you want to meet new people and see what potential mates might be out there, then maybe it’s worth making dating more fun so you’ll want to do it. Your Freakin’ Fun Dating List could help! The lead author of the exercise study said that drawing on positive past experiences is more motivating than abstract ideas. So use that to your advantage when you make your dating list: When have you had the most fun dating in the past? When you sampled a strange-sounding single’s event with a friend? When you signed up for a sailing trip? When you made a singles trip to scout the guys carrying lumber at Home Depot? When you played “Truth or Dare” at a friend’s party full of cute guys?
No, you don’t have to do all the things on the list—the way we actually didn’t do the “Ring & Run” on ours. I think it’s healthy just to remind yourself how much fun dating can be. So think about making the list—either on paper or in your mind—whether you do any of the items or not. I think you’ll be more positive for the process. And if you do end up on a double-bowling-date laughing your gutter balls off? More power and funny shoes to ya.
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Big love,
The Jazz Effect: Take a Risk!
And by “jazz” I don’t mean the dance classes I took as a kid when I’d lunge across a mirrored room wearing a unitard and leg warmers doing artful gyrations to Frank Stallone songs. (Why, oh, why?)
The other night, my sister and I went to see her friend, Kate Reid, perform with her jazz quartet. Wow, what a voice this woman has. She was doing things with it I’d never heard an instrument do.
The bigger the risk, the better the song. (Image: KateReid.com)
It being jazz, of course, once they choose the song and the key, there’s a lot of leeway in the performance. So when we asked Kate how much risk she and her band take, she said they try something new each and every time. Then she laughed. “Sometimes we make mistakes,” Kate said, “and sometimes we get really lost in the mistakes and it’s all about finding our way back.” But, she said, it’s those very risks that sometimes pay off with a great moment in a great song. Without the risks, of course, it wouldn’t be jazz. And the bigger the risk, the better the performance can be.
That’s just like love, isn’t it: If we don’t take risks in our own lives, we’re just re-living the same old replayed song.
What about you? Are you dating the same types of people over and over again? Are you setting yourself up for the same relationships like a record you’ve heard a million times? Maybe you’re choosing people who don’t want to settle down, or people who don’t want to grow up, or even people who just don’t keep you interested. Don’t hold yourself back that way. Give yourself the chance to have something amazing by taking risks with your heart. Open yourself up and put yourself out there for something wonderful.
If you’re not ready to do something big for a relationship, start with something small. Wink at the cute person you always see on your way to work. Call that long-lost old flame. Accept the offer for a blind date. Kiss the friend you have chemistry with. Yeah, maybe you’ll make mistakes and get a little lost and have to find your way back like the Kate Reid Quartet, but it’s those risks that pay off. And if nothing else—like a few bad notes—at least you can laugh about it later and know you should never try that again. But the positive is possible, too: That risk you take may just turn out to be the best thing you’ve ever done.
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Big love,
Whaddaya doin’ New Year’s Eve?
I was in line at the drugstore the other day (wait, how funny is that word: drugstore?).
Toast to yourself! (Image: www.freedigitalphotos.net)
Anyway, I heard these two girls talking about a guy who’d sent one of them a perfectly cryptic text message, and how she had decided, “That’s it! I’m over it!” The girl said she wasn’t going to call or text this guy back ever again. Well, as soon as she sent this one last text to put him in his place…
It reminded me that one reason lots of people have trouble embracing the idea of moving forward into a healthy relationship is because they’re still looking back on an old one! That’s where my friend Lisa Steadman, author of It’s a Breakup Not a Breakdown and “heartbreak reinvention coach” comes in.
Lisa is now prepping for one of her next projects, a bootcamp teleclass to “Heal Your Heart by the Holidays.” And to give you a peek into what she means, I love her advice to ask yourself one big question: Where do you want to be by New Year’s Eve?
Here’s some of what Lisa says:
“What do you want to be thinking, feeling and doing on New Year’s Eve? If, today, your thoughts are obsessing about your ex, wondering where he is, who he’s with, what’s happening with him, then you’re far too focused on his future and what will happen for him by New Year’s Eve. What you’ve got to do is take the focus off of your ex, and put it on yourself.”
I think that’s great advice whether you’re trying to take the focus off an ex or a million other things: your boss, your madcap family, your work, or even someone you have a crush on who’s not asking you out. Your happiness is all about you! So whether you’re in a relationship or not by the holidays, whether you’re employed or not, whether you’re balancing a to-do list like a toilet paper roll or not, how do you want to feel in your future? That, my friend, is all up to you.
It’s like what they say to people who are afraid to go to back to school. Sure, you might think, “If I go to grad school now, I won’t graduate until 2014.” So ask yourself: “Well, what will you be doing in 2014 if you don’t go to grad school?” The future is coming whether you like it or not! And you can either picture yourself stuck in a place of uncertainty and insecurity, or you can decide that you will be happy, fulfilled and kicking ass by the time the ball drops. I think confidence and happiness will suit that champagne glass so much better, don’t you?
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Big love,
TimWow is Available Now!
I got a pitch this morning that I just had to share: It’s the story about embracing the humor you need to survive the ups and downs of a search for a mate. It’s the story of “TimWow!”
Tim Goggin, you see, is a 32-year-old single guy in San Diego who was getting so frustrated with dating, he decided to take a bold approach to find the right woman for him by creating an infomercial…on himself! The tactic is hilarious, and the gesture reminded me of something all daters should remember: There are great, smart, kind, lovable, funny people out there looking for relationships. And you never know, you may meet the right one for you in the most surprising way! Watch Tim’s infomercial here:
As Tim says, “Regardless of who you are, finding the love of our life is never easy. Dating is a crazy, bizarre, and wild adventure. That’s why I created this.” It seemed, he says, “the best, most unique medium to reach the right woman.” And though his hard work and passion may be what’s kept him out of the dating game for a while, he hopes it will charm the right woman to him now. “The more you accomplish in your life, the more passions you have, the harder it is to find a partner to match you in those passions,” says Tim. “I need a spectacular woman and I think this might be just the way to meet her.”
You can see more about Tim on his website TimWow.com. If Tim’s your type, act now to get your FREE gift! And even if he isn’t, let his move remind you a few important messages: You’re not alone in wanting love. There are plenty of great single people out there like you with big hearts and great imaginations. And, really, who says you won’t meet your half-orange in an unusually unique “As Seen on TV” kind of way?
In the meantime, while you’re waiting for your dream relationship to come a-knockin’, keep your sense of humor the way Tim has. A good laugh will make your life more worth loving. So will that new Mighty Putty Super Powered Epoxy for home projects big and small, I bet. But the laugh will feel much better.
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Big love and happy viewing,
The House Hunt: The Gunk & The Good!
My sister Liz is looking for a new house to rent—lucky for me, someplace near mine so we can walk to each other’s places for coffee breaks. She’s looking for a place with a spacious and clean interior, a healthy yard space and a cozy, home-like feel.
The un-charming teaches us what “charming” really is. (Image: Ken Spencer)
On day one of her search, however, she saw two houses with dirt for yards, bars for windows and a view outside of other people’s chain-link fences. Not surprisingly, she drove home depressed. Like, really depressed.
It took a few appointments at some nicer places before she got her hopes back up—and only then did she realize how glad she was to have seen the gross ones. How else would she have been able to appreciate the cute places without having the charm-challenged ones to compare them to? The lesson was a reminder to both of us about the value of seeing the gunk. It’s as simple as this: You’ll never be able to appreciate the good stuff if you haven’t seen the gunk!
This is true of everything in life. You won’t know a great job if you’ve never worked a crappy one. You’ll can’t savor a nice hotel if you’ve never stayed in a scary one. You’ll never appreciate your health unless you or someone you love has lost it. And how could you value a wonderful, stomach-swirling date if you’ve never had some clunkers?
Like my sister’s house hunt, look at your low moments in love as setting a gauge for the highs. Being in a relationship that beats you down can teach you that you deserve to be in one where you soar, and kissing someone who doesn’t summon an iota of chemistry within you can remind you that, yeah, you want the butterflies.
It only took a week for Liz to look back on those horrible houses and laugh. That’s because, in time, the rough things that happen to us become our funniest or most touching or most revelatory experiences. The gunk is good for you. Do yourself a favor and start thanking the world for letting you experience it.
Big love,
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