Optimisms
Cheering each other on
Singles, Here’s What You’re Doing Wrong!
The other day, I was trying to get a spark going in our fire pit, when a friend of mine stopped me and said, “Here’s what you’re doing wrong…” I found myself stiffen a bit, a precursory defense, steadying myself for the blow. It turns out I wasn’t pulling the butane lighter’s saftey back while I was pressing the flame button. A simple fix. Too bad all of life isn’t that easy, right—especially in dating. Well, maybe it is.
Are you tying yourself up in knots with the negatives?
I realized after fixing my butane button issue that hearing “Here’s what you’re doing wrong” is enough to make anyone stop in their tracks and pay attention. This isn’t easy for me to do that for you: I’m a dating optimist. My first book, Meeting Your Half-Orange, is all about loving who you are and being authentically, gloriously happy in your own skin while you focus all your energy on how you want to feel in your ideal relationship. Which is to say I believe every “single” person is uniquely awesome and that you’re not doing anything “wrong.”
But if you’re killing yourself trying to come up with the end-all reason for why you’re still frustratingly single, the fact is, you are doing something wrong. And to be all “meta” about it, here’s what it is:
What you’re doing wrong is that you’re focusing on what you’re doing wrong.
What you focus on, you see, is everything. And that’s because what you choose to focus on actually affects the neuronal pathways in your brain, which affects how you perceive the world and how the world perceives you. The scientific term in play is neuroplasticity, and I explain how it all works in relation to dating and love in Half-Orange. It is utterly fascinating stuff and it’s no joke!
If you’re single and focusing on “what you’re doing wrong,” then it’s all you’ll see, and it’s all your brain will store in its implicit memory. In other word, it’s time to stop the cycle. Today, focus on what’s right—and only what’s right. Just for today, at least, don’t think about how old you are, or how long you’ve been single, or what past boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses have said about you for a minute. That’s all irrelevant. All that matters is who you are right now, this minute. And if you can look at what’s right about your dating life, you can change what ensues from this minute on.
So do this for me: List three things that you’re doing right, right this minute:
1.
2.
3.
Visualize what you’d write in those blank spots—the awesome things you’re doing that are spot-on. Maybe how you’re giving it a shot with dates you’re not 100% on, because you’re open to seeing what might happen. Maybe how you’ve come to love a physical aspect about yourself—a mole, a height, a curve—and will settle for nothing less than a partner who loves you for it. Maybe how you’ve mastered making tapenade and can’t wait to show it off.
Fill in those blanks your own way. If you don’t, well, that’s what you’re doing wrong. You owe it to yourself and to your love life to give yourself positive props every single day. The more right you see, the less wrong your life will feel, and the better the energy you’ll be putting out there for your wonderful other half to come find you. It’s an easy fix: Pull back the safety and push the right button, and you’ll light the spark you’re working on, too.
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Big love and happy listing,
What Would You Do with a Karma Camera?
I’ve always thought it would be fun if each of us got a “Karma Cam” after someone screwed us over. You know karma, right? The belief that a person’s negative act ripples through the universe and at some point comes back to them like a boomerang?
Well, just imagine if, after someone dumps you, or steals your client, or cuts in front of you in line at Target, a Karma Cam would let you see the moment their negative action comes back at ’em. It sounds kind of delicious. And the other day, I essentially got to see a Karma Cam in action.
I was driving along a busy road when I needed to switch lanes, so I put on my left turn signal. I was just about to slide over in front of a white car, when they hit the gas and inched up as close as possible to the car ahead so I couldn’t fit in.
The nerve, I thought. I was so peeved! But I kept driving, confident I’d find a spot to slide in soon. Well, as we all pulled away from a stop light, that white car lagged behind (texting, maybe?), so I took the opportunity to switch lanes in front of it. And a few minutes later, I noticed in the rearview mirror that the woman in the white car was now trying to change lanes herself. And guess what? No one would let her in. I watched as car after car in the other lane inched up close just like she had. As she banged on her steering wheel with frustation, I admit it felt kind of good.
But after I turned off that road, I started thinking how I was still carrying that negative energy with me. And I wanted to shake it! So when I reached the next stop sign with another car, I smiled and waved it on ahead of me. I was determined to balance out the bad by passing along some good.
That’s when I realized the happiness math: Sure, it would be fun to see the negative come back around on the Karma Cam, but it’s even more fun to actively do something positive to cancel it out.
So try this: The next time someone really jabs you—in a little way or a big one—resist the urge to jab back. It’s hard! But rather than paying the negative experience forward, pay it forward positively instead. Balance the world with better things. Because that is what is going to make you happier.
• If someone has rejected you in love, turn around and accept another person in a kind way.
• If someone has taken from you, give.
• If someone has said harsh words to you, say someflattering, kind and loving words to someone else.
• If someone has elbowed you out at work, let other people you work with in.
It’s not always easy, I know. To this day, every time I’ve opened my closet for the past two years, I still bristle at the thought of the publicist who nabbed my adorable go-to J. Crew blazer during a celebrity interview. But while I work on getting over that one—and I’m determined to!—I’m doing my best to balance the universe with better things.
Join me. Those people in bad moods, with prickly natures, the people who lie or steal or push or hurt? Let them go do their thing. And show them by your actions what it means to act with a giving, generous, warm, open heart instead. Shake the anger and spread the love.
Let’s see how we do.
Big love,
Amy
Note: This first appeared as one of my Vitamin Optimism emails. So if you’re signed up, you got this post early!
Be sure to sign up for my next Happy Emails so you don’t miss any! You can do that in the upper left box on this site, or on my web site. And if you want to see the original post, here’s the full Happy Email of What Would You Do With a Karma Camera?
“I Don’t Want to Die with Unused Frequent Flyer Miles” and Other Lessons From My Friend’s Cancer Diagnosis
Follow the path of feeling good about life. (Image: Amy Spencer, Deep Hollow Ranch, Montauk)
My friend Stephen has cancer. I found out about it a month ago, and it was a shock to hear, as he’s one of those yoga-loving, meditating, juicing health nuts. But as he posted on his blog recently:
Q: How did I end up getting cancer?
A: F*** if I know.
Ah yes, his blog. Stephen is a photographer, but he just started a blog called Fear of Beauty about a month ago, and it’s one of the most honest and beautifully written sites I’ve been lucky enough to read, so I wanted to let you know about it. There are two posts in particular that made me think of you — you, who may be seeking thoughts on how to see your life or love life in a more positive way.
The first is his recent post, “A Drop of Poison,” which tells the story of a little road rage. Well, in this case, a little parallel parking rage. What happens when someone pisses you off and you’re able to come up with the perfect little zinger to get them back? Well, you feel awesome. For a minute. And then you realize what our go-to anger like that is really all about.
But I’m also moved by his post “Realizations,” a list of things that Stephen has come to learn since his cancer diagnosis. It’s a wonderful “life is short” reminder for living up today. Because, really, what are you saving those frequent flyer miles for?
Use what you have: Light the candle. Pour that gift bottle of bubble bath into the tub. Eat the box of chocolates. Spend the gift certificate. Fill the photo album. Crack the binding on that notepad. Open the paints. Kiss the boy. Drink the champagne.
You never know what tomorrow brings, and as Stephen’s beautiful blog can remind us , today is pretty perfect day to reach down into your healthiest, kindest, most grateful self and start making the most of what you have.
—Amy
Dating Decisions: Should You Settle in Love?
I don’t know if you watched the new show Nashville last night, but being a Connie Britton fan, I had the show’s debut date saved on my iCal. Luckily, I loved it! And one part of the show made me think of the struggle we sometimes have in love. But before I tell you which one, I must say…
Connie Britton as Rayna James in "Nashville" (Image: ABC.com)
SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t yet seen the Nashville premiere and want to, watch it before reading this post!
The big question on the show was how veteran country star Rayna (Connie Britton) would handle her poor concert sales. She could either A) agree to “co-headline” and open for the former teen mean sensation Juliette (Hayden Panetierre), or B) she’d be on her own, as her record company would no longer promote her album. In other words, should she settle for sharing the stage with someone she didn’t believe in or try to make it on her own?
As Rayna told the record company executive: “You can kiss my decision as it’s walking out the door.” And that’s how I think we should handle those same cheap decisions in love.
When I think back to my dating days, I come across all kinds of dating “deals” I nearly or actually did settle for:
• I either A) only got to see the guy I liked if I met him at some bar after midnight or B) I’d be on my own to find someone who wanted to see me for breakfast, lunch and dinner, too.
• I either A) hung around with a guy I liked who only saw me as a friend or B) I’d be on my own to find someone who wanted a romantic relationship like I did.
• I either A) stayed in a relationship with someone I wasn’t my best self with or B) I’d be on my own to find someone I could shine with.
On paper (or, hey, on computer) these seem like easy choices! But we all know that in love, it’s hard to choose the tougher path. It can be lonely and sometimes scary to be on your own, unsure of what’s to come.
But like Rayna showed last night, it’s really the only way. If you believe in yourself and want the happy, fulfilling life you deserve, then you must choose the path that takes you there. It may be the tougher path. It may be the scarier one. But it’s the only choice you can make if you want your happy ending.
The foundation of dating optimism is that you believe you can have a great love on this earth. So the next time your date or hookup or friends-with-benefits or partner is making you feel “less than” the greatest catch on earth? Tell them they can kiss your decision as it’s walking out the door, too.
Big love,
Amy
A Positive Rant: You Are a Catch, You Know
“Q&A: Should I settle for a nice guy I don’t really like?”
What Do *You* Do When No One Is Watching?
We’re all pretty good about what we do when people are watching. We might pick up a pen our boss has dropped. Say “Bless you” to a coworker who sneezes in a meeting. Or open the door to let our date walk into the restaurant first. But who we really are is us on our own—the one we think no one is paying attention to.
Who you are here—alone, out in public, in the world—is how you'll feel about yourself. Give it your best shot. (Image: Sea Cliff bench by Ken Spencer)
What we say and do in those moments affects how we feel and who we are. That’s why I love this quote: “Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
On one beautiful day in Venice, it was warm and breezy and sunny, the day people imagine every day in California is like. I walked into the bank and witnessed this interaction of woman in line speaking to the man behind her:
“What a beautiful day, right?” she said. “Wow.”
“Terrible,” he said.
The woman laughed. She assumed he was kidding. “I know, it’s perfect,” she replied. “I could be out there all day.”
“What, with this wind?” he said, shaking his head. “It’s drying everything up. Pulling the smog from the Valley. It’s awful.”
The poor woman stood there stunned. And it was a reminder to me how the smallest interactions throughout our day say a lot about how we’re feeling and who we choose to be. Sure, maybe this guy was having a terrible, awful no-good day for many reasons, and that “drying wind” was the straw that broke his camel’s back. But maybe if he knew—if we knew—the way we were coming off in the world, it might inspire us to try to do it differently.
Try this: Imagine for an afternoon that some kind soul upstairs is doing a Powerpoint presentation on how to be a happy person, and your live tape has been pulled up to illustrate it. What can you do this afternoon that feels in line with the positive, good person you want to be? aHere are some ideas:
• Hold a door for a stranger.
• Make friendly small talk with the shyest-looking person at the party.
• Compliment the jacket of the person next to you.
• Pet the dog.
• Offer a ride.
• Lend a quarter to the guy out of change at the coffee counter.
• Smile. Laugh. Clap. High-five.
Go on, give that Powerpoint guy a real show. And then, after you do a few of these things, tune into how you’re feeling. Pretty great, right? Probably proud of your actions, warm in your heart and perfectly happy to have someone say, “You’re on Candid Camera!” Because this is how you want to feel and appear all the time.
Choose a bumper sticker motto for life that helps you make the right decisions, put on the right expression and be the person you want to be. Even if no one is looking, you’re looking. Want to feel like the good guy character? Be the good guy. Amazing how that works.
The motivating messages we use in our lives affects what we do and how we feel. So try using that bumper sticker motto for life and see how you feel.
Big love,
Amy
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