Optimisms
Cheering each other on
Private Practice: Want Everything!
I was talking to a single friend of mine this weekend about what she was looking for in a relationship. After she rattled off her list—and it was a long one—she laughed. “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff,” she said. “I guess I want too much, huh.”
Addison Montgomery wants it all.
I used to think the same thing. After all, how could I get all I wanted to feel in a relationship—feeling appreciated, pretty, smart, funny, needed and special—in one succinct and sexy package? Well, you get it by wanting it. By wanting it and asking for it. Just like you only get the In ‘n’ Out burger “Animal Style” with sautéed onions on it if you want it and ask for that!
It brought to mind a week-old episode of Private Practice, which, over its two seasons, has really grown on me. Even that odd little pouty thing Addison keeps doing with her mouth. One scene was based on a conversation between Addison (Grey’s Anatomy spinoff star Kate Walsh) and Sheldon (the former Dream On star Brian Benben). Both single, both searching.
Sheldon: Is there some glaringly obvious reason why I’m everybody’s second choice?
Addison: Ah, you and me both.
Sheldon: No. Anyone that could choose you, would. You just can’t quite decide what you want.
Addison: Yeah, well, apparently I want everything.
Sheldon: Yeah, you do, and you should get everything. You’re just scared of what it will mean. And being scared…no one lays on a death bed and wishing they had less, less love, no one. So if you love the guy, Addison, for God’s sake, don’t let it get away.
Yes, Addison is lucky. She has a guy she loves in mind. But you don’t need a specific guy or girl in mind. You just need to know how you want to feel with the right person. And when you’re making that mental list, you should want everything and you should get everything. Don’t be scared that asking for it will hold you back. Because asking for it is the one thing that will open your whole world up.
Big love,
Your Partner in Crime
In Meeting Your Half-Orange, I said I was looking for a teammate in a relationship, a real partner in crime. And I have a set of friends who reminded me this week of what that means.
Danika & Dan: Partners in crimes...and contests
My friends Danika and Dan are getting married in June, and as a goof, they applied for a contest to win free wedding photography from an amazing photographer named Ian London. They submitted their adorable “How we got engaged” story (it involves her obsession with Ninjas) and to their surprise, made the Top 5 Finalists. Now, because they really want to win, they’ve come together as a team and reached out to get help from as many corners of the friend-and-family world they can. Watching them do this has reminded me how important it is to seek that feeling of a true teammate when you’re looking for love.
Think about that when you’re talking to the next person you meet, the next potential date you find yourself on. Will he throw you the ball, and will he catch it? Will he give and will he take? You’re talking about the ride of a lifetime, so ask yourself this: Will he take my hand and ride life with me with a smile? That’s what Dan & Danika have found in each other, and that’s what I want for you.
Now, in honor of all that teammate energy, do you want some amazing love karma for yourself? Just do this: 1) Click here and then 2) check the box in front of “Danika & Dan” It takes 11 seconds. And they need you, because voting ends tomorrow, May 20th. You can also read their engagement story if you want, by clicking on “Engagement Story Finalists.”
Karma feels good, remember. And as you seek your perfect other half and set off for your own adventures with your partner in crime, you’ll reap what you’ve been giving along the way. To get love, it helps to support love. To have it in your own life, it helps to celebrate it in others.
Think team, think twosome, and get the Orange Buzz in your belly for how powerful it’s going to feel when you have it in your life. And, wait, did you vote for Dan & Danika yet? Either way, I wish you the best co-pilot your ride of life can ask for!
You might also like:
If you still haven’t voted for Danika & Dan, don’t you want to?
The Coffee Test
Big love,
Grey’s Anatomy: “Be Positive Tomorrow”
I wanted to answer a question that comes up in dating optimism at some point or another: “Do you always have to be positive about dating?” No. You don’t.
Bailey is a fan of all feelings (Photo: By Ron Tom, ABC.com)
And when I saw the theme of this week’s “Shiny Happy People” episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I thought it was a good time to remind us all of this.
This is how Grey opened the episode:
“It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life. As children we’re told to smile, be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults, we’re told to look on the bright side, make lemonade and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part, though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments when you just want to get real, to drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self.”
Later in the episode, when a patient named Amber found out she was going to lose three fingers, her positively-trained reaction was to smile and be grateful that she was alive at all. As her friend said (played by Emma from Glee!) Amber should see the bad news as just a small bump in the big ride of life. But Baily (played by Chandra Wilson) could tell Amber was struggling. She was faking her feelings. So Bailey gave Amber permission to embrace her true, scared, unhappy self instead.
Bailey: “You can cry, Amber, it’s fine. It’s a lot to take in all at once.
Emma from Glee: No, she needs to stay positive. That’s how we get through, we stay positive.
Bailey: She was excited. She was hopeful. She was eager. And that has been crushed. She has the right to have some feelings. She can be positive tomorrow. [to Amber] You can be positive tomorrow.
The truth is, real health and happiness comes from feeling it all. When bad things happen—and bad things do happen to good people, all the time—you may be tempted to try to look on the bright side each and every time. And I encourage you to get better at doing that. But sometimes, the hurt is immense and our heart needs to sit with it for a while. Sometimes we need a good cry so we have the energy to be positive tomorrow.
So if you’ve been going through a rough time and had your hopes in dating, love or life dashed, I say this, as Bailey did: You can cry. It’s fine. Keep wiping tears and writing angry letters that you’ll never send to your ex or to God and keep sobbing it out, because the only way you’ll get past the messy stuff is to empty it from yourself, until you can’t cry another tear and frankly can’t be bothered to. You can be positive tomorrow. And with all those tears shed, you’ll be far more able to.
You might also like:
The Grey’s Way: How Not to Get a Date
Love Lesson from a Serial Killer
Big love,
OPTIMISM WORKSHOP: Your Big Love List!
Welcome to the very first HALF-ORANGE OPTIMISM WORKSHOP!
Update your Big Love List! (Image: TheWritersWorkshop.net)
The project: Revising a Big Love List. One of the most important pieces to attracting your half-orange is knowing what kind of orange seed you want to plant—i.e. what kind of relationship you want in the first place. I walk you through the process in Meeting Your Half-Orange so some of you are now tackling your own lists.
The plan: I take one reader’s Big Love List and make some notes so you can see how to revise your own to bring your half-orange even sooner! Meghan, you see, asked for a little help with her list, and I thought it would be helpful to show you her list (with her permission) along with my thoughts on it. That way, you can help hone your own list so you know how to really work your Orange Buzz.
Here’s what Meghan wrote:
“I don’t know if I will ever know what I want fully…I guess this is a jumping off point. At the end of the day, I want someone who:
—Makes me feel I am the only person in the room
—Challenges me mentally, physically, emotionally
—Creates space for us to grow as a couple and for us as individually
—Can tolerate my family and reminds me that they are not what define me solely
—is honest, communicative, and authentic
—believes deeply in who he is and is open to pursuing his own emotional health
—is stable in his finances
—who makes me feel incredibly sexy, even when i am in my pjs
—is open to a spiritual journey
—finds the humor in the mundane and in the big events
—enjoys dogs and will put up the idiot one I own
—is adventurous, not only in travel, but in life
—can appreciate that I enjoy sports
—is a gentleman, yet respects my independence
—is educated and knows the importance of an education
—wants a family
—fights fair
—appreciates the arts and is willing to invest in them”
Here’s what I have to say about this list: I love it! I love the first item—because you should feel that special with your other half! I also love the idea of seeking a relationship with a man who is open to pursuing his emotional health, and with someone who will not only get along with your family, but support you with them. And of course I grinned when I read that he should find you sexy even in your PJs.
Really, it’s not up to me to comment on every item, because each of us wants something completely different from a partner and in a relationship.
But I do have one big suggestion, Meghan, and it’s this: Re-frame the list. As it is, this Big Love List is a checklist of what you want in a guy. You want a guy who is adventurous. A guy who is stable. A guy who appreciates the arts. But here’s the thing: You don’t want a guy…you want a relationship! This may sound like a small distinction, but as I explain in Meeting Your Half-Orange, it’s a big one! Let me explain:
—You don’t want a guy who “finds the humor in the mundane and big events.” What you want is a relationship in which you’ll laugh with your partner at the mundane and big events.
—You don’t want a guy who “is a gentleman.” What you want is a relationship in which you respect your partner and how he treats others, and in which you feel respected and appreciated for your independence.
—You don’t want a guy who “wants a family.” What you want is a relationship in which you have or create a family, with love, together.
See, when you put all of your focus on a guy, you’re taking the power and the energy out of yourself and focusing it on him. It’s kind of like you’re shining a flashlight beam out there to find that sole person who will be all of these things. Instead, flash the beam back toward yourself. Give yourself the power and the energy by tuning into how you want to feel in a relationship. Forget the guy…what will make you shine?
What you can do from here: Re-frame your Big Love List! This is for Meghan and anyone else open to love. On a piece of paper, write six to ten times: “I want a relationship in which I feel…” and fill in those blanks! Once you do this, you’ll notice a change in how you see the world around you. It will open up the world to you in incredible new ways! Once you revise your list, you’ll find yourself walking into parties or coffee shops and instead of scanning the guys to see if they appear to “fit” the guy you’ve built on this checklist, you’ll know that it’s about how you feel when you talk to him—and if he matches how you want to feel on your new list.
Big love,
10 Reasons You Should Never Settle in Love!
Trust me, all singles get to that place. Oh, you know the one…
Stand strong for the love you deserve! (Illo by: Amy Spencer)
You’ve been single for a while, and since you really really want to be in a relationship, you start to bargain with yourself. You think, “Maybe I could just settle for someone I like just enough” instead of waiting for one who will truly make your heart floweth over. Well, here’s the sign I’d post in that puddle of pessimism: No settling allowed!
As anyone who’s already read the preface to Meeting Your Half-Orange knows, I’m all about being picky.
(If you haven’t read it, click to read the excerpted pages “Are You Being Too Picky?” straight out of the book!)
To make it clear why I don’t think you should settle for “eh” when it comes to a lifetime love partner, here are 10 reasons why settling works against you. Don’t settle for love, because…
#1: …settling is a choice made from fear. Don’t choose a relationship because you’re afraid to be alone. Or because you’re afraid you won’t find someone better. Or because you’re afraid you’re not good enough to attract someone who’s nuts about the real, true you. Be strong, not scared! You’re a tough cookie and you know you’re meant for more, so don’t let fear make decisions for you. Trust in the good life can bring you.
#2: … passion is like a hot pepper in a good soup. In other words, it changes in flavor, but it doesn’t diminish. If you choose a relationship with a passion and attraction to the whole person (not just their looks), the rewards of that emotional attraction can still be there decades later. But choose a relationship without that emotional passion? You could end up with a soup with no flavor at all.
#3: …friendship marriages are different than deep, romantic ones. Yes, some people can commit to an arranged marriage and still stay together for the long run. But it can take years to develop any emotional zing—if ever they do at all. Relationships can offer so much more than someone who cleans the toilet or puts gas in the car every other time. You can have more if you want it.
#4: …love isn’t a business contract! I read a quote from a woman who says she feels okay that she settled for her partner since marriage, after all, is like “a mundane non-profit business.” A mundane non-profit business? Goodness, what kind of marriage is that? Personally, I prefer to be alone than spend time with people who don’t speak in some way to my heart. Don’t you? Marriage or your big relationship should be the same way! Let your heart have a say.
#5: …When the novelty of coupledom wears off, you’re stuck with each other! All day. All night. All weekend. All the time. Watching not just your favorite shows but theirs. Withstanding not just their acceptable habits, but their annoying ones, too. Do you want to spend all your quality time with someone you wouldn’t give your high-quality stamp of approval?
#6: …settling is a sign you’re pessimistic about your future. It says you think you’ll never meet someone who adores you, who’s healthy and right for you, and who you love wholeheartedly in return. Be a dating optimist! If you want to feel happy, challenged, smart, pretty, safe and attracted to your partner, you can. You first have to believe the right partner is out there for you, and then begin asking for him or her to come rolling on into your life.
#7: …you deserve more! If you want to feel amazing about yourself and feed your healthy self-esteem, you should partner with a wonderful, respectable person you’re madly attracted to in some special way. Settling with someone you don’t respect and adore is a way of diminishing yourself. You deserve someone as great in heart and soul as you are.
#8: …if you settle, there may come a day later in your life when you feel you’re missing something. Are you prepared to battle with that? Someday, when you see couples who seem to care deeply for each other in palm-sweating, butterfly-churning ways, do you want to think, “What have I done? I never had that…” or do you want to smile, hug your honey and say, “Love is amazing. We have that, too.”
#9: …you deserve a big, bad, wonderful love! Long-term commitments are marathons, not sprints. If you’re going to go the distance, you want someone next to you that makes the run worth doing—through the highs, the lows, the effort and the exhaustion. Give yourself the gift of a wonderful life for the whole long run.
#10: …if you’ve settled with a so-so someone, you won’t be open when your half-orange comes along! Your other half is so desperately hoping you’ll be open. Do yourself the favor of making sure you are. Don’t lie down into a relationship if it’s not going to make you stand up and shine. Celebrate yourself and the love you’re meant to have, and don’t settle for anything less!
While you’re at it, you should also read:
10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Being Single!
10 Things All Singles Must Do
8 Reasons to Go Out Tonight!
Big love,
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