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Cheering each other on
I’m going on a date this weekend. (My hundredth.) I always get my hopes up, and usually find them smashed like a Halloween pumpkin. So what do I do? Start expecting the worst so I’ll be pleasantly surprised? Or look forward to them and be disappointed? —Erin
Great, great, great question, Erin. When I used to get ready for dates, I’d flip-flop back and forth between high hopes and low expectations every run of the flat-iron. With that experience and what I’ve learned, here’s what I think: Have high hopes for your future love life—that you will find the love of your life—and remember that this date is part of the path that will get you there.
Maybe he seems like he could be the guy! Or maybe he’s so totally not even similar to a choppy faxed version of the guy that you want to go home and eat a whole pizza by yourself. But either way, this guy—this date—is one step closer to the one you’re meant to be with. The world is putting you in front of him for a reason: Maybe to learn something from him. Maybe to learn something about yourself. Maybe to see how hilariously terrible dating can be sometimes, so that when you do meet your big love, you won’t miss your single days quite as much.
So that’s what I think. Don’t expect the worst. Look forward to what you can learn from your hundredth date. And toast with a glass of something that you still have two important things after date ninety-nine: perseverance and humor. The right guy will find that so very charming.
I’ve been seeing this guy on and off for about six months. We have a great connection, but he’s sometimes hot and cold with me. When I’m into him and calling, he backs off. And the minute I get mad and stop calling him back, he’s all over me. How do I get him to like me the same time I like him? —Diane
Yep, I’ve dated lots of these guys myself: The permanently indecisive ones who like having us latched on, but don’t want to commit. It’s as if they have an invisible retractable doggie leash on us women, and the minute we get distracted and start sniffing for something better elsewhere, they lock and tug!
My question to you is this: Is this how you want to feel in a relationship? Waking up every morning unsure about whether the guy in your life is going to like you today or not? We all deserve relationships in which we feel strong, respected, adored, and loved. Is that what this relationship is giving you? Here’s my recommendation on this guy: Cut the leash! Turn off his “hot and cold” taps for good and walk away. Start thinking about what you really want: a guy who is consistently running warm for you. And, of course, some good hot stuff thrown in when you want it.
So I guess I have a question for you now: Why would you want to “get” a guy to like you? Don’t you just want him liking you for who you are without having to do anything at all? Dear daters, what do you think Diane should do?
What does it mean you’re a dating optimist? —K.
It means that I see dating as a powerfully positive means to get to the end you want: the love of your life. I was single for many, many, many years (I was always “the single one”), so I know what it’s like to see dating from the other side: as an frustrating, fruitless chore. But I learned through it all that if you can learn to see the experiences you have in your single life as positive, everything changes.
Yes, even those days you end up on a date with a creepy guy who salivates while he talks. And even those days you’re home alone catching up on TiVo wondering why no one ever seems to ask you out. It’s all for a good reason and my post as a dating optimist is to help you see it that way!
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