In the big wild world

Cheering each other on

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

I hold a special respect for Olympic skiers and snowboarders. Especially after watching skier Lindsey Vonn and snowboarder Shaun White win their gold medals last night. Man, they rocked it, didn’t they? I could watch them smile and listen to Lindsey cry tears of joy for days, which Bob Costas so perfectly described by saying: “those emotions a combination of joy, pride, relief, thanks, appreciation, all rolled into one.” Which, to be honest, is what meeting your half-orange feels like—or will feel like—too.

I credit my personal awe of those guys to a skiing experience I had a few years ago during a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in Utah.

Like Shaun White: Are you LIVING a good run? (Image: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

I was staying at a friends’ corporate-sponsored chalet that was nestled high on a mountain and accessible from the intermediate ski run. Me being a gal from New York, I’d grown up skiing some small mountains in New Jersey and just north of the city.

“Intermediate?” I said, “No problem.”

It turns out, however, the intermediate hill in New Jersey is the bunny hill in Utah. And the intermediate hill in Utah? Well, let’s just say that once I got off the lift, I felt like I was looking over the edge of a cliff. Egads, I was in trouble.

As with many things in life, it wasn’t the hill that was the problem as much my sheer lack of confidence that I could tackle it. And so after a few wobbly-legged attempts, completely pointless snowplowing and a few tumbles, I eventually took off my skis and clomped sideways down the hill in my boots, whimpering the whole time. It was, I’m sure, a hilarious sight to behold. God bless my friends who didn’t laugh at me until I was ready to laugh at myself. (And God bless you if you’ve already read about my surfing experience in my past post Get Blue Crush Brave and still hold any respect for my sportiness!)

Which is why I gaze in wonder when I see the Olympians tearing down the snowy mountain and doing flips in the halfpipe. But I’m not just impressed by Shaun White’s moves, but by his attitude. Shaun had these words to say just before he competed in the halfpipe qualifier on Cypress Mountain in West Vancouver last night:

“I’m looking for, basically, some good runs. I just, uh, I don’t think it’s about one trick in the run, I think it’s the whole thing, so I’m just trying to put down solid runs all night and, uh, we’ll go from there, see what special stuff I got in store.”

You know what I liked about that? Shaun wasn’t bragging about the one specific move that was going to lead him to his goal—yes, of course he had some serious tricks up his sleeve that he’d invented just for this big international show. But he also knew that without a good first run overall, one big trick wouldn’t mean a thing.

And that’s how I see our lives, especially in love and dating: without a good run overall, you won’t get to show your big tricks. So often, when we want to be in love, we put aside everything else to get the relationship. But if you’re not living a good full life overall, if you’re not having a good run overall, then you may not get a chance to show your big tricks to the right person in the first place. Don’t let your fear freeze you like mine did on a Utah mountain. And don’t let your anxiousness about getting into a relationship take over the life you’re living now.

Look at dating the way Shaun White looks at that halfpipe: Aim to have a good run overall. Smile and enjoy the whole thing—the nights in, the nights out, the so-so dates, the funny set-ups, the time with friends, the ways you grow. If you’re having a good time with your life, then your dates will want to see what “special stuff” you have in store.

The tactic sure worked for Shaun White: After the first of two finals runs last night, he scored 46.8. He didn’t even have to take another run to get his gold, but Shaun knew that by putting down those good runs, he’d earned his chance to pull those tricks out of the bag. And so he took a second run—how very Mary Lou Retton of him—and showed off his special “Spiraling Double McTwist” that earned him a 48.4 and, of course, that gold.

It’s a medal that’s round and kind of orange-looking, come to think of it. Just like the half-orange you’re looking for.

You might also like:
Your Life’s Not in Ruins

Big love and good runs,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It's on TV, Optimisms | Comments Off on A Love Lesson From…the Olympic Halfpipe

Have An Optimistic Valentine’s Day!

Friday, February 12th, 2010

If you think about it, Valentine’s Day is one of the few exclusionary holidays out there. We all get to celebrate Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Halloween. But February 14th? That’s all about couples celebrating their love. So what’s a single to do?

Fill you heart with some happy this year

Despite the fact that you might be tempted to make retching gestures toward every red heart-shaped doily you see, I have four much more productive suggestions. This Valentine’s Day…

1. …don’t spend it alone. You may be tempted to curl up on the couch in front of some bad TV and try to ignore it altogether. But spending the night by yourself may only remind you that you are, well, by yourself. My suggestion: Find a friend or a few to share it with. Stay in, go out, grab a cocktail, watch a movie, drink some wine, play pool, play board games, hang just for an hour or all night long—just do something that reminds you how nice it feels to have relationships with other people. Maybe you don’t have a love relationship this year, but it’s healthy to remind yourself how good it feels to be loved by those close to you.

2. …there are no anti-Valentine’s Day parties allowed! It’s natural that if you’re feeling down about your love life, you’d want to take down the Hallmark holiday. Phooey on those gooey kissy couples paying too much for their meals, right? Well, this year, I want you to look at it differently. Instead of sending a message that you hate Valentine’s Day—which is putting out a negative message about love—look at it as a visual reminder of what you want in your life: If other couples can have happy relationships, so can you!

3. …throw a Dream Board party! My friend’s friend, who I’ll call Mara, just read Meeting Your Half-Orange, and instead of blowing off the holiday, she’s decided to spend it celebrating the love she wants to bring into her life. Here’s how she put it in an email to me last night:

“It’s the first refreshing yet realistic book that I have read about being single in a very long time and it has made me more hopeful, without being cheesy. Somewhere along the way, I think many of us lose our optimism—and this book definitely helps you regain it. I’m making a Valentine’s Day dinner for my very best friend, who is single, and I’ve decided that we are going to create our own “dream boards” together over dinner and lots of wine. I am so excited about it!”

The explanation for what a Dream Relationship Board is and how to make one is thoroughly explained in my book, and I assure you, it is not a cheesy exercise! I’ve made many a believer out of one, trust me. And once you read the success stories of the singles who did it (including me) you’ll also be so convinced, you’ll want to try the same thing. It’s a healthy, hopeful way to provide yourself with a visual reminder of the big love you want in your life.

4. …buy yourself flowers and candy. Screw waiting for someone else to buy you flowers or candy. Treat yourself to some blooms and a box of chocolates or a bag of candy hearts. And take the little messages on those confections as words your future half-orange will tell you: “Kiss me,” “You’re sexy,” and before you know it—and if you want it—”Marry me.”

You might also like:
10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Being Single
8 Reasons to Go Out Tonight!

Big love and Happy Optimistic Valentine’s Day,

Posted in In the big wild world, Optimisms, With a little help from your friends | Comments Off on Have An Optimistic Valentine’s Day!

How to Use the Phases of Dating Optimism!

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

I’m having a little Regina Spektor moment right now. You know what I’m talking about: “On the radio, oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhh, on the radio…”

Why? I’ve been spreading the half-orange word via a lot of radio stations these days. But I know not everyone has access to every show, so I thought, if it might help to hear me talking about the power of optimism in love, I’d give you a way to listen!

You *can* have a love that makes you blossom (Image: Ken Spencer)

Here is a link to a radio show I did on February 9th with Boston station on 93.7 FM, with “Big Daddy” Mike. We not only talked about how positivity can help your love life, but also about what to do when you date a person and then find out he or she is, um, a hoarder. (Hey, it happens!) Here’s the link to the 93.7 site and our 9-minute interview:

My radio chat with Big Daddy

And if you could go for a longer bit of inspiration, check out the one-hour talk I had last night with Lisa Bonnice—she herself a success story of positive dating who appears in my book, Meeting Your Half-Orange! She hosted me on her super fun radio show, “Shapeshifting with Lisa Bonnice,” and we got to have a nice long chat about how you can bring what you want straight to you in life and in love.

My radio chat with Lisa Bonnice

One idea that Lisa and I talked about: the power of gratitude. Whether you’re writing it down in a “gratitude journal,” which some people do, or just reviewing all the good stuff in your life on the drive to work, do it. How will this help your dating self? Well, it will remind you what you do have instead of what you don’t. When you’re single and want to be in a relationship, you may be focusing a lot on what you don’t have: that you don’t have a partner who loves you, that you don’t have someone to go splitsies on Chinese food with, that you don’t have someone to lift the couch so you can vacuum under it. And if you focus on the empty glass, you’ll feel down about it and get more of it!

Instead, look at how full your life is. Look at what you do have: Your two legs, your health, family members who love you, kind friends, a roof over your head, a job that pays the important bills, a love for a certain type of music that makes you smile every time you hear it. If you look at all the ways you have it going on, at how full your life is, you’ll feel better about yourself and more confident and ready to offer that wonderful version of you to a relationship!

So listen to either show today, or save one for a quiet moment when you want a good jolt of positivity and a reminder to keep believing that your half-orange is out there. Because I, for one, know that he or she most certainly is.

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It's on the radio, Optimisms | Comments Off on How to Use the Phases of Dating Optimism!

Are You Indentured to the Future?

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

I was cleaning out my office yesterday, which meant clearing out my bookshelves and all of that—cough, sneeze, gag—dust I didn’t seem to mind living with when I didn’t know it was there.

HughPrather And in trying to decide which books I’d have to part with to make room for some new ones, I started flipping through them, including one by a writer/poet named Hugh Prather, who wrote the bestselling Notes to Myself and the one I just came across, I Touch the Earth, the Earth Touches Me from, get this, 1972. Inside, I found this note in the book, which I had put a square around with a pencil marked a star next to it. It was just as good all this time later:

“Not opening a can of tuna because last night’s roast will spoil if I don’t eat it; not changing the thermostat because later it might get too hot; not pulling over the coffee table to eat on because I will have to put it back—I am surprised at how much I indenture myself to the future.”

It reminded me how much I indentured myself to the future when I was single, so I wanted to ask: Are you doing the same? Not traveling to New Orleans for a cheap weekend fare because you’ve wanted to go there with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Not buying a cute new bed frame from IKEA because you want to wait to re-do your bedroom until you have a mate to do it with? Not signing up for those theater season seats, because who knows who you’ll meet and run off with between now and the fall?

And what about the small moments, when there’s so much that I don’t do, for example: Not lighting a candle because I don’t want to waste it. Not opening a bottle of champagne because I’m waiting for a special occasion. Not hanging my coat on the train’s coat hook because I’m just going to have to put my coat back on later? Well, I’m working on all that and trying to live in these moments more now. Because what about our life today, this minute? What are we all doing for ourselves to be happy now?

Let’s take Hugh’s point and do the opposite: Let’s not be a slave to our future. Don’t wait to celebrate your life until you have a romantic partner to celebrate with. What do you want to do with your travel money, your bedroom budget, your passions, your taste buds and your energy now? If you’re going to be hit by a bus next week, tomorrow—or in thirty minutes, even—what might you do this minute to make your life more worth living? The future will come eventually, and so will the love of your life, but why blow all the wonderful little moments you have now waiting for it? Break the chains that tie you to the future and do what makes you happy today. I assure you: Your love life will be the better for it.

You might also like:
Walk a Mile In Your True Shoes
Gorge Yourself on Good Things

Big love,

Tags: Hugh Prather, live in the moment
Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It is written, Optimisms | Comments Off on Are You Indentured to the Future?

There’s No Bliss Without the Pain!

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

It’s probably more likely that you women will know about the film I’m about to mention, but I found a love lesson in it that’s worth passing on to all of you.

Filmmakers Abby Epstein and Ricki Lake

The movie? Ricki Lake’s The Business of Being Born. It’s an incredible documentary film about childbirth and how hospitals handle it in our culture these days. I watched it a few months ago, and came across it recently. And this time, I was moved by the words of one female expert, who said this about natural childbirth compared to a surgical C-section that I wanted to pass on.

“You get the highest oxytocin rush you’ll ever have in your life when you give birth naturally. You will go into an altered state of consciousness, and in a kind of a state of “Yes, there’s bliss” and “Yes, there’s pain” and it’s all tied up together and you cannot have the bliss without the pain.”

Now, I haven’t had a kid yet and would like to, and after seeing this film, the idea of natural childbirth sounds amazing—but, hey, we’ll see what happens when those labor pains start hitting and like every other woman, I want to shout “Get the druuuuuugs!”

But this isn’t a post about childbirth. This is a post about dating. Because there is no C-section for dating. There is no magical, surgical, pain-free version of finding love. Dating is a natural process we all have to struggle through to make it to the other side and find love. And yes, there’s bliss and yes, there’s pain, and it’s all tied up together. You cannot have one without the other. Without a little heartbreak or rejection by the wrong person, how would you ever be freed up for the right one?

banner240x400 So just remember that if you feel a little pain coming. It’s like labor. It’ll come in spurts, and it’ll hurt, but it’s all a sign that at the end of that road is a blissful, incredible loving relationship that is so worth it—that sends such a rush of oxytocin through your body and soul—that you won’t remember a lick of the pain it took to get you there. The bliss makes it all worth it.