2010 January — The Life Optimist

Archive for January, 2010

“I was recently stood up by someone I had been out with a few times and liked. He had asked me to come over and help him with something, but when I got there he wasn’t there. He later said he hadn’t checked his email after I sent my message, so he didn’t think it was definite. He apologized and admitted it was rude of him, and asked me if I still wanted to “hang out.” My dilemma is how to interpret this as a dating optimist. In my eyes, it was a sign that I really wasn’t important to him, he must not be that into me, and I deserve to find a guy who would be so thrilled to have me over his house that he wouldn’t have missed it (I thought of your recent “A Miyagi “Love” Moment” post when this happened!) A friend however, thinks I should be forgiving and understand that guys just do this kind of thing even to people they really like because they are bad at multi-tasking. She thinks his apology was sincere and nice and proof enough that he really is into me. I’m wondering what your take is?” —Lisa

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Hi Lisa,

Thanks so much for writing and for such a great question! I love that you’re reading the posts and taking in the info. The short answer is: I think that your gut is going to tell you what to do. I wasn’t there when you showed up at his house and he wasn’t there (but man, aargh!) and I didn’t hear what he sounded like when he asked to “hang out.” But you—through the experiences you’ve had in life, the men you’ve known, the people you’ve been treated well and poorly by—are the best radar for what’s going on. Without you even realizing it, you are able to pick up cues about his behavior and the tone of his voice and his sincerity or lack of it. So tune into that feeling in your belly of how you want to feel in your ideal relationship, and if the way he makes you feel when he does show up matches that feeling, go with it! If not, maybe he’s not be the right one.

I see your side, that if he was really digging you, he would have been waiting by that email counting the seconds until you wrote back. But your friend has a point. Guys can be clueless and maybe he just messed up. Maybe a little life got in the way. One mistake should not a break up make. We all mess up sometimes, and if it really was genuine and he really does dig you big time the way you deserve, then that will come through in the next days or dates.

So my take is don’t write him off for one blown moment, but now more than ever, tune into your gut about whether that was one moment or a sign of how he feels overall. You deserve to feel shiny and glowing and special with the right one! And deep down, if you’re looking, you’ll be able to tell whether or not he’s the guy who can make you feel that way. I hope that helps and can’t wait to hear how it turns out!

—Amy

Posted in Let's Talk | Comments Off on “I was recently stood up by someone I had been out with a few times and liked. He had asked me to come over and help him with something, but when I got there he wasn’t there. He later said he hadn’t checked his email after I sent my message, so he didn’t think it was definite. He apologized and admitted it was rude of him, and asked me if I still wanted to “hang out.” My dilemma is how to interpret this as a dating optimist. In my eyes, it was a sign that I really wasn’t important to him, he must not be that into me, and I deserve to find a guy who would be so thrilled to have me over his house that he wouldn’t have missed it (I thought of your recent “A Miyagi “Love” Moment” post when this happened!) A friend however, thinks I should be forgiving and understand that guys just do this kind of thing even to people they really like because they are bad at multi-tasking. She thinks his apology was sincere and nice and proof enough that he really is into me. I’m wondering what your take is?” —Lisa

Is He Your Better Half?

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

I talk a lot about finding your other half—and specifically, of course, your half-orange. But I found a new appreciation for a term we toss around all the time: your better half.

Who's the better half? You should both be. (Image: ABC.com)

It came while watching Sunday’s episode of Brothers & Sisters, which I happen to love. (I mean, that Sally Field makes me cry happy and sad tears every single week.) This episode, Robert (played by Rob Lowe) was talking about his cancer-stricken wife Kitty (played by Ally McCalista Flockhart). From the podium at a press conference, he said these simple words:

I almost lost my better half.

And suddenly, the words made more sense to me than ever. Because the best gift we can give ourselves in a relationship is to find a partner who is “better” than us in many ways—someone we can look up to, admire and learn from. Someone with a big, warm, wonderful heart who makes you want to be a better person. And you want them, of course, to feel the same way about you.

So when you’re trying to decide if some schmucky date who’s being rude to the waitress and short with you could be your future mate, think again! (And this time, think “no.”) Your life will be enhanced if you can find someone you can look up to who finds being with you just as inspiring. Find your better half.

Big love,

Posted in Optimisms | Comments Off on Is He Your Better Half?

Take it From a Yoga Guru!

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

I wanted to watch a little cable On Demand last night, and this being January—the time of year when we’re all thinking more than ever about achieving body and mind health—I chose to watch the documentary Enlighten Up! In it, filmmaker Kate Churchill takes on a guinea pig in Nick Rosen, a journalist who is skeptical about yoga and curious to learn more. Their quest takes them to India, where they meet one elder Indian guru in particular who I think was called “the guru of the blissful refuge.”

IMG_1397_2

He looks wise, doesn’t he? Well, he was. The guru sat on a little velvet couch and answered Nick’s questions about why we do yoga. My favorite answer from him was this:

“It’s not important what you are doing. It’s important why you are doing.“

When Nick asked “What do you mean?” the guru used an example I loved. Well, go figure, it is about food, after all:

“You can prepare food for your, just consuming,” he said. “You can prepare food for somebody you love. And you can prepare food for your Ishta, Bhagwan. The Lord. So the action will be the same. Physically. But inside it will be different. And if you are forced to do some cooking for somebody you don’t like, you will do it! You will cook. But you won’t enjoy it.” This, he said, wasn’t just true of cooking or yoga. It is true of “anything my dear, any anything absolutely under the sun. Everything depends on you, hangs on you.”

That message is so important to your dating optimism and something I write about in Meeting Your Half-Orange: What’s important is not that you want to date, but why you want to date. And why do you?

Here, I’ll help you. Why are you dating? To meet someone. And why do you want to meet someone? To be happy. Well, if your goal is to be happy, then stop making yourself miserable and nuts thinking that dating is the only way to get there! Stop forcing yourself to go on a certain number of dates per day or week or making yourself write to people online you don’t feel like meeting, and stop beating yourself up for still being single. If you’re seeking a relationship so you can be happy, well then what the heck are you waiting for? Give yourself the gift of being happy now.

“Happiness not outside,” the guru also said. “It is within us.” The guru’s right. So find the happiness within you—which is why you’re dating in the first place—and start enjoying your life for what it is today. That is where your happiness lies and how your half-orange will come.

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Big love and namaste,