OPTIMISM WORKSHOP: Your Big Love List!

Welcome to the very first HALF-ORANGE OPTIMISM WORKSHOP!

Update your Big Love List! (Image: TheWritersWorkshop.net)

The project: Revising a Big Love List. One of the most important pieces to attracting your half-orange is knowing what kind of orange seed you want to plant—i.e. what kind of relationship you want in the first place. I walk you through the process in Meeting Your Half-Orange so some of you are now tackling your own lists.

The plan: I take one reader’s Big Love List and make some notes so you can see how to revise your own to bring your half-orange even sooner! Meghan, you see, asked for a little help with her list, and I thought it would be helpful to show you her list (with her permission) along with my thoughts on it. That way, you can help hone your own list so you know how to really work your Orange Buzz.

Here’s what Meghan wrote:

“I don’t know if I will ever know what I want fully…I guess this is a jumping off point. At the end of the day, I want someone who:

—Makes me feel I am the only person in the room
—Challenges me mentally, physically, emotionally
—Creates space for us to grow as a couple and for us as individually
—Can tolerate my family and reminds me that they are not what define me solely
—is honest, communicative, and authentic
—believes deeply in who he is and is open to pursuing his own emotional health
—is stable in his finances
—who makes me feel incredibly sexy, even when i am in my pjs
—is open to a spiritual journey
—finds the humor in the mundane and in the big events
—enjoys dogs and will put up the idiot one I own
—is adventurous, not only in travel, but in life
—can appreciate that I enjoy sports
—is a gentleman, yet respects my independence
—is educated and knows the importance of an education
—wants a family
—fights fair
—appreciates the arts and is willing to invest in them”

Here’s what I have to say about this list: I love it! I love the first item—because you should feel that special with your other half! I also love the idea of seeking a relationship with a man who is open to pursuing his emotional health, and with someone who will not only get along with your family, but support you with them. And of course I grinned when I read that he should find you sexy even in your PJs.

Really, it’s not up to me to comment on every item, because each of us wants something completely different from a partner and in a relationship.

But I do have one big suggestion, Meghan, and it’s this: Re-frame the list. As it is, this Big Love List is a checklist of what you want in a guy. You want a guy who is adventurous. A guy who is stable. A guy who appreciates the arts. But here’s the thing: You don’t want a guy…you want a relationship! This may sound like a small distinction, but as I explain in Meeting Your Half-Orange, it’s a big one! Let me explain:

—You don’t want a guy who “finds the humor in the mundane and big events.” What you want is a relationship in which you’ll laugh with your partner at the mundane and big events.

—You don’t want a guy who “is a gentleman.” What you want is a relationship in which you respect your partner and how he treats others, and in which you feel respected and appreciated for your independence.

—You don’t want a guy who “wants a family.” What you want is a relationship in which you have or create a family, with love, together.

See, when you put all of your focus on a guy, you’re taking the power and the energy out of yourself and focusing it on him. It’s kind of like you’re shining a flashlight beam out there to find that sole person who will be all of these things. Instead, flash the beam back toward yourself. Give yourself the power and the energy by tuning into how you want to feel in a relationship. Forget the guy…what will make you shine?

What you can do from here: Re-frame your Big Love List! This is for Meghan and anyone else open to love. On a piece of paper, write six to ten times: “I want a relationship in which I feel…” and fill in those blanks! Once you do this, you’ll notice a change in how you see the world around you. It will open up the world to you in incredible new ways! Once you revise your list, you’ll find yourself walking into parties or coffee shops and instead of scanning the guys to see if they appear to “fit” the guy you’ve built on this checklist, you’ll know that it’s about how you feel when you talk to him—and if he matches how you want to feel on your new list.

Big love,