This is such a great question. And my answer to you is this: Yes! Those people are optimism dampeners! I know this because I dealt with it myself.
When I told friends and family my plan—that I was going to be optimistic and see the good side of dating, that I wasn’t going to force myself to go on dates anymore, that I was going to trust my gut and not settle—not one single person said, “That’s awesome!” Most of them said things like, “That’s cool. But you know, you do have to date a little bit…” or “Good for you, though you do know you’ll have to settle at some point…” They liked that I was optimistic, but thought that in doing so, I had abandoned being realistic. I hadn’t. And neither are you.
Realism is important, but if you want to reach your dreams, you have to spread your wings outside of the realism box. You have to dream big, picture glory, and reach out and ask for the relationship you want.
When people go off-road a bit and decide to approach something in life from a new angle, it’s common for others to refer to the status quo, to say, “Ummmm, that’s not what we usually do.” I’m not blaming your friends for feeling protective of you, but I am saying you have a right to your own attitude. If you want to make an emotional change in your life, you have to stick to it no matter what your friends say. Your confidence and determination are part of the plan.
It’s kind of like what might happen if you told your friends that you wanted to learn to play the trumpet and that in six months, you’d be playing Louis Armstrong’s “A Kiss to Build a Dream On.” What might they say? Probably something like, “Whoa whoa whoa, S, maybe you should try practicing first. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself!” But the fact is, if you never set yourself the goal of playing Louis Armstrong, you’ll never play it.
Optimism is like learning an instrument. It takes practice. The more you do it, the better you get at it and the more you believe you’ll get what you’re after. So don’t worry about people who think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Optimism isn’t about pressure, it’s about believing that good things will come.
If you do feel like you’re under pressure, that you’re not feeling like your true self the majority of the time, then maybe you should ease up on your rules. Try to stick with the positive things about your dating life as much as you can, but by all means, if your last date had breath like a sick horse, you’re allowed to laugh and say so! That said, it might feel unusual being positive about your life when you’re not used to it. But keep at it like you’d keep practicing the trumpt. Follow your own heart and determination, and do as I did: Don’t let anyone dampen your dreams.
That’s my vote, anyway. If anyone has any other advice for S overcoming the pressure she’s feeling from herself or her friends, chime in!
—Amy
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