With a little help from your friends

Cheering each other on

How to Live in the Moment

Friday, August 28th, 2009

It’s so easy to talk about “living in the moment,” but not quite as easy to do. The other day, however, I forced myself to try, and it was such a rewarding experiment, I want to pass it on to you.

Me, I left my top on. ("Vacation" by Gusto)

I was with my husband, my sister and two of my friends, in a fab house in the hills of L.A. As much as I love my own home, my backyard is covered in crabgrass, so lying on a lounge chair by a pool with a cold drink at my feet and nowhere special I needed to be makes for a good day.

Yet as happy as I was in the moment, I kept losing myself to thoughts that pulled me away from it: I wonder if that email came through? What should we get for dinner? Ooh, and I have to remember to add that to my To Do list. Sure, my body was there, but my thoughts weren’t. And when I snapped to, I wondered: How much of the good stuff do we lose like this because our minds are somewhere else, because they’ve moved on to future plans, to rushing around,to texting, to tweeting? This moment was too good, and I was determined to “live in the moment” the way we all say we should. So, I went sense by sense through what I was feeling from the base of my toes to the top of my head. I ask this of you, too: Put down the camera, turn off the phone and take a picture with your mind.

Trust me, I’m not one to put down my iPhone easily; I’m addicted to the Trivial Pursuit App and I love me a good Twitterific visit. But I promise you: You will feel better sitting with silence for a few minutes and taking your life in. Here’s how:

Ask, “What do I feel?” Work your way up or down your body so you get it all. That day, for instance, I felt my heels on the soft cushion. My back touching a pillow. My eyes and chest warmed by the sun. I also felt a perfectly soft breeze. And a bit of a scratch on my left thigh, which I attended to.

Ask, “What do I hear?” Close your eyes if it helps to focus. I heard birds that day. A dog barking. The pool filter. My friend laughing from inside the kitchen.

Ask, “What do I smell?” This one’s such an underrated sense, but is so closely tied to emotion and memory. Breathe deeply through your nose and see what you get. Me, I mostly smelled my suntan lotion. (You can make me wear sunscreen, but it still has to smell like coconuts frying on the beach!)

Ask, “What do I taste?” I tasted a mimosa. And some nacho chips stuck in my teeth. This could be improved upon.

Ask, “What do I see?” Take a shot with your mind of what’s ahead of you: the colors, the movement of things. I saw a blue pool, green hedges, my wet towel balled up on the ground that I wished I’d laid out to dry (dang it). Then look around you. What’s behind you that you hadn’t seen? Who’s beside you who you could be appreciating?

I did this exercise a few years ago with my sister’s friends in the South of France, at a dinner on the sand when no one had a camera to capture the moment. Instead, we took turns talking about what we saw, heard, felt. And even now, the moonlight on the water and the lapping of those waves is more ingrained in my mind than the cute dog I snapped on my iPhone yesterday.

Still, it IS a cute dog, right?

We need to give ourselves the gifts of capturing these moments. Yes, Facebook updates and Twitpics (and, ahem, blogging) is all fun, and so is planning all the great stuff you’re inspired to do as soon as you finish reading this! But what about being present in this moment of life? Not through a lens, not through a filter, not as a stepping stone to tomorrow. Look at what your life is giving you today—this hour—to be happy about and grateful for. How can we really know what we want tomorrow if we don’t know how we feel about today? Let’s give ourselves that gift more often than we do. The next time you find the present fleeting and life sort of passing you by, tune into your senses and take in the moment. You just may realize you love your life more than you knew you did.

Big love,

Tags: being present, relaxing
Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, Optimisms, With a little help from your friends | Comments Off on How to Live in the Moment

10 Things Never to Say to a Single Person

Monday, August 24th, 2009

I was having drinks this weekend with Jen, a single friend of mine who is looking for a relationship. We got to talking about how some friends of hers keep tying their tongues while trying to help—offering backwards compliments and dated clichés about her search for companionship. In essence, “Married People Say the Darndest Things.” And I realized we could all use a briefing on what’s helpful and what’s hurtful to say to a friend like Jen who is being letdown by love.

I’m not, by the way, talking about that single friend who is thrilled to be solo and basking in the freedom of an independent life; I’m talking about the friend who is happy enough alone, but is looking to share his or her life with a partner. What do you say to keep them positive, propel them on? Because however much you love your friend and however well you mean, some words just aren’t helping. Here, the…10 Things Never to Say to a Single Person

by Amy Spencer

1. “Love only comes when you least expect it.” Sure, there’s some truth to the idea that when you finally do meet the right person, it smacks you upside the head so hard you don’t expect to fall quite that hard. But as for the love itself? Your friend should expect it. And expecting it isn’t going to curse him or her from finding it! So don’t tell him or her that wanting something is precisely the thing that’ll hold him or her back from getting it. Because as far as I’m concerned, the more a single person expects it, the faster it will come.

When someday can't come soon enough

2. “You’ll meet him (or her) someday.” Someday, huh. Someday?! Someday is when you’ll win the lottery. Someday is when you’ll retire in a little house by the sea and garden for the rest of your life. A single person who is looking for love doesn’t want to wait until someday to meet the love of his or her life. They want to meet them tomorrow. And they very well might.

3. “But you’re so great at being single.” So…you’re telling me I’m not great at being in relationships? Gee, thanks. The fact is, they just haven’t found a relationship to be great in yet. And as soon as they find it, you’ll see what great can be.

4. “Don’t you think you’re being too…” You know, this is where you gently suggest they’re being too picky or too hard on people or too judgmental. But what does your friend think? Um, no, actually, I don’t think I’m being too anything. I know what I want and I’ll wait ‘til I get it. And he or she has the right to do just that while enjoying every second of their single life in the meantime, thank you very much.

5. “I know this woman who’s 74, and she just fell in love for the first time.” Aw, what a sweet, romantic story. Love never ages. Of course you’ve now set off a mind bomb like, Oh my God, you mean I might not find love until I’m old and wrinkly and the only one who’ll ever want me is the person at the end of the nursing home hall? Other peoples’ love stories are great; other peoples’ love stories from this era are even better.

6. “Relationships are no walk in the park, either, you know.” This is usually followed by a story of how your husband/wife/partner is being very stubborn about, say, which family’s house to visit on vacation. Poor you, your friend is thinking. You have someone to love you and spend vacations with and I don’t. If your single friend wants a relationship, let ’em want it! Don’t try to undersell the goal.

7. “Sometimes I wish I was single.” Oh, right, “some” times. Which means eleven minutes one day a week. The other 10,069 minutes, you’re glad you’re not. There’s a way to rephrase this, which is, “There are things I miss about being single.” And then list them: The anticipation of a date. The first kiss. The talks until dawn. The total, utter freedom. Let your friend celebrate those things the way he or she should be!

8. “Why don’t I just set you up with that coworker of mine?” The key word here is “just.” This is likely the set-up your friend previously rejected because your coworker’s shiny two-toned suit pants were a turn-off the first three times they met. Digging up old possibilities implies that you think your single friend has lowered his or her standards by now…or that you think they should. And you don’t think they should…do you?

9. “Maybe you should be more… (flirtatious, kind, outgoing) or less… (sarcastic, abrasive, dull).” Sure, maybe there are things your friend could be doing better; being single for a long time sometimes puts you off your game. But trust me, they’ve made this list before, and they don’t need to hear more “flaws” from you. Don’t tell them what they “should” or “could” be, tell them how wonderful they are as is.

10. “You need to get out there.” Oh, right, your single friend hadn’t thought of that, but that’s where all the people who’ll love them are…out there! This is old news. If your friend wants to date, he or she’ll date. If they don’t feel like it, they shouldn’t have to. But keep in mind, if they want a relationship, their lack of a partner may not be for lack of trying. It won’t help to imply that folks like you think they’re not “doing” enough.

So…what do you say to your single friend? The truth. That they’re “a freaking catch.” That “it will happen.” That the guys or girls out there are obviously ding dongs for not realizing who they could be dating. And that in the meantime, your friend should probably live it up. As I told Jen, being single can be a total blast if you can remind yourself to enjoy it while it’s here. As soon as you’re snatched up (and it may be soon…) you’ll definitely wish you loved it while you lived it.

Those are my thoughts, anyway. If you think I’ve missed any backwardly insulting advice (or you think I’m way off on any I’ve put down), let me know what you think!

Big love,