Optimisms

Now that I’m not writing a book for a hot minute, I’ve decided to take on a task that’s been on my back burner for far too long—four years, to be precise. The project? I’ve been wanting to reupholster a ratty old Bergere chair I found at a thrift shop.

Guinness getting comfy on Project Chair

Those of you who read Bright Side Up or who follow the weekly optimism practices I create in my fun Vitamin Optimism emails know all about this chair already. Despite my big plans to upholster it, we’ve been sorting socks on it in the laundry room since the day we brought it home.

It’s not a major project, but I’ve still put it off for various reasons. There’s my lack of time, lack of skill and fear I’ll make a mess of a good thing among other excuses. But with weekends back on my plate, I’ve decided, what the heck, it’s worth a try. (Plus, Gustavo swore I’d never get around to fixing it up, so now I really have to just to prove him wrong!)

And I’m going take you guys along on the journey with me. Why? First, because putting my plans out there is one way to be sure I stick to them. (Hold me to it, people!) And second, although this is just the story of me and one chair, I think all the projects we take on in life—big and small—take us down a similar emotional path. Whether we’re fixing up a chair, interviewing for a new job, moving to a new city or looking for love after 40, we’ll face similar ups and downs along the way from eagnerness to fear to excitement to self-doubt and, ultimately, to learning and growth. So I think we can learn from each other.

So here’s the chair I’m going to re-do. My chair BEFORE:

BEFORE: My ratty thrift store Bergere chair

I’m using a beautiful natural beige fabric leftover from re-upholstering our couch, and I’m going to leave the frame unstained and unpainted. In fact, here’s what I’m aiming for, which I just found yesterday in a Restoration Hardware catalog. Except their chair costs $995. And mine, well, won’t.

My chair inspiration:

My chair inspiration!

And as for those life lessons? I’m already diving in. Here’s what I’m learning so far:

Lesson #1: It’s okay to admit I’m scared to mess it up. I know if I paid a professional, this chair would look divine. But that’s taking the fun out of why I took it home in the first place! It’s natural to be scared to mess up when we take on something new. But what fun is life if we’re not stepping out onto the ledge every now and then?

Lesson #2: I’ll never get anywhere without just diving in. I have researched and debated this project long enough. If I don’t do this chair today, I never will. The same can be said of a lot of things we put off starting. Whether you want to lose weight  (“I’ll start on Monday”), exercise more (“I need to save enough money to join a gym first”), start dating again (“I just don’t know if I’m ready yet”) or begin a project yourself, enough of the preparing. Dive in with me! Better we give it a shot than keep wondering if we have it in us at all.

Lesson #3: I have to remember that whatever happens, I win. Whatever I do to this chair will make it better than what it looks like now, which is beat up and un-sit-down-on-able. And the same is true for anything we want to get started on. Writing three pages in your Great American Novel is better than writing none at all. Exercising for one day is better than exercising for none. Taking a step forward is positive, whatever becomes of it. (Though if it ends up looking good, where in the world will I lay out all of the mismatched socks in the laundry room from now on?)

So that’s where I’m at for now. What do you think? Does anyone have any advice for me? Whether it’s a survival tip or a how-not-to-kill-myself-while-sewing all that piping tip (or, uh, a how-to-sew-piping-in-the-first-place tip?), let me know! And while I’m taking on this project, do you have something you’ve been putting off that you want to try diving into with me? Tell me what it is, and maybe we can do it together. Here’s to trying new things. What the heck, right? Like most things in life, it’s worth a shot.

Big love,

When I was at Art Basel in Miami a few months ago, I was mesmerized by the work of artist Juan Genoves, specifically his piece “Duel,” that was shown by the Malborough Gallery in New York. Here’s why: From far away, the painting appeared to be very detailed images of pedestrians from above.

But the closer you got to it, the more you saw…

…they were really just little blobs of paint that, in a quick glance, appeared to be something else entirely! It’s the way we see others in life, isn’t it? We make assumptions about people from across the street, the room or the restaurant table. And we’re missing out on so much because of it.

The art made me think about how often we let our quick glance or five-minute conversation with someone be all we use to get to know who someone is. But I’m sure you’ve had an experience, like I have, when talking to someone a little deeper reminds you that getting to the heart can change everything. Wow, you think, they weren’t at all what I expected. And we’re always for the better when we get to the heart of knowing someone.

So here are ten ways you can get to know someone better in a short time.

1. Ask them their life’s purpose. Maybe it’s “to have a good time.” Maybe it’s “to be a good friend and mother.” I’ll never forget how much my opinion changed of a man I met who worked in banking when he told me his life’s purpose was to create a school with his sister for disadvantaged youth. Don’t assume their core beliefs, ask them about it.

2. Say, “Tell me. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?” Every day doesn’t have a promotion, great date or baby’s first steps. And you’ll learn a lot about someone by hearing what means “best” for them on a daily level. And you’ll raise their day by letting them tell you about it.

3. Ask, “What’s your biggest fear?” I asked this question at a party one night to everyone who entered the kitchen, and it led to the fastest bonding you’ve ever seen between strangers. From “heights” to “failure” to “being average” to “not being able to have kids,” hearing someone answer this question is like seeing into their soul.

4. Ask what movie they can’t turn off if they come across it on cable. For me, it’s Escape from Alcatraz and Something’s Gotta Give, and I think those both say something about me in a breaking-free-of life-and-wanting-to-write-in-a-huge-house-in-the-Hamptons kind of way. Like the cable TV world’s dream analysis, let the person you’re with tell you what draws them to the movies they love.

5. Have them tell you what their best skill is. We all want to be noticed for what we’re best at, but we don’t always get the chance to show it or talk about it. In this case, give someone else that chance. What a gift, letting someone share their best—and it will shift the energy of your conversation in a profoundly positive way.

6. Have them tell you what they wish their best skill was. Sure they’ve mastered ventricular endoscopic neurosurgery, but they never could hula-hoop. Funny, that.

7. Ask, “What are you absolutely awful at?” I had a friend who, in every conversation, was always claiming the final expert word on everything from cooking to fitness to art to bike maintenance. But one day, after I admitted something I was terrible at (probably how I’ve become so bad at math, I literally use my fingers to tally up the tip on a restaurant bill), she shared a weak spot, too. And I’d never liked her more. Open the door for a hilarious and revealing topic and guide them to the welcome mat.

8. Ask about their most exciting moment as a kid. When you get someone talking about their childhood, they will be transported back to that place of innocence, eagerness and genuine feelings. Whether it was meeting a baseball great, singing the lead in the school play, or being picked first for a team, the flashback is likely to bring out their playful, softer side.

9. Find out what they’re most proud of today. Their children? The table they built by hand? Re-gaining use of a leg doctors said would never walk again? What sets off beams of pride says a lot about the person.

10. Ask, “So…what makes you happy?” You may find yourselves making Charlie Brown lists of how happiness is everything from a warm puppy to a strong morning coffee to a kayak at sunrise on a calm bay. And while everyone else in the room is griping about their work day with wrinkles on their foreheads, you’ll be smiling, relaxed and feeling as happy as if you were experiencing what you’re talking about. Bring out the good parts of life.

Don’t accept the rash judgment your eyes or mind are quick to make for you. Dig deeper with the people you meet. Find out what makes them tick, what moves their soul. The more we learn about each other, the more real our connections and relationships can be.

Get to the heart of people. That’s where the good stuff is.

Big love,

Amy Spencer is the author of Bright Side Up: 100 Ways to Be Happier Right Now and Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match. Get her iPad and iPhone app Bright Side App and Half-Orange Optimisms for positivity on the go. Sign up for Amy’s weekly Vitamin Optimism email and follow Amy at twitter.com/datingoptimist.