Optimisms
Cheering each other on
10 Ways to Get to the Heart of People
This is a repost of one of my favorites
When I was at Art Basel in Miami a few months ago, I was mesmerized by the work of artist Juan Genoves, specifically his piece “Duel,” that was shown by the Malborough Gallery in New York. Here’s why: From far away, the painting appeared to be very detailed images of pedestrians from above.
But the closer you got to it, the more you saw…
…they were really just little blobs of paint that, in a quick glance, appeared to be something else entirely! It’s the way we see others in life, isn’t it? We make assumptions about people from across the street, the room or the restaurant table. And we’re missing out on so much because of it.
The art made me think about how often we let our quick glance or five-minute conversation with someone be all we use to get to know who someone is. But I’m sure you’ve had an experience, like I have, when talking to someone a little deeper reminds you that getting to the heart can change everything. Wow, you think, they weren’t at all what I expected. And we’re always for the better when we get to the heart of knowing someone.
So here are ten ways you can get to know someone better in a short time.
1. Ask them their life’s purpose. Maybe it’s “to have a good time.” Maybe it’s “to be a good friend and mother.” I’ll never forget how much my opinion changed of a man I met who worked in banking when he told me his life’s purpose was to create a school with his sister for disadvantaged youth. Don’t assume their core beliefs, ask them about it.
2. Say, “Tell me. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?” Every day doesn’t have a promotion, great date or baby’s first steps. And you’ll learn a lot about someone by hearing what means “best” for them on a daily level. And you’ll raise their day by letting them tell you about it.
3. Ask, “What’s your biggest fear?” I asked this question at a party one night to everyone who entered the kitchen, and it led to the fastest bonding you’ve ever seen between strangers. From “heights” to “failure” to “being average” to “not being able to have kids,” hearing someone answer this question is like seeing into their soul.
4. Ask what movie they can’t turn off if they come across it on cable. For me, it’s Escape from Alcatraz and Something’s Gotta Give, and I think those both say something about me in a breaking-free-of life-and-wanting-to-write-in-a-huge-house-in-the-Hamptons kind of way. Like the cable TV world’s dream analysis, let the person you’re with tell you what draws them to the movies they love.
5. Have them tell you what their best skill is. We all want to be noticed for what we’re best at, but we don’t always get the chance to show it or talk about it. In this case, give someone else that chance. What a gift, letting someone share their best—and it will shift the energy of your conversation in a profoundly positive way.
6. Have them tell you what they wish their best skill was. Sure they’ve mastered ventricular endoscopic neurosurgery, but they never could hula-hoop. Funny, that.
7. Ask, “What are you absolutely awful at?” I had a friend who, in every conversation, was always claiming the final expert word on everything from cooking to fitness to art to bike maintenance. But one day, after I admitted something I was terrible at (probably how I’ve become so bad at math, I literally use my fingers to tally up the tip on a restaurant bill), she shared a weak spot, too. And I’d never liked her more. Open the door for a hilarious and revealing topic and guide them to the welcome mat.
8. Ask about their most exciting moment as a kid. When you get someone talking about their childhood, they will be transported back to that place of innocence, eagerness and genuine feelings. Whether it was meeting a baseball great, singing the lead in the school play, or being picked first for a team, the flashback is likely to bring out their playful, softer side.
9. Find out what they’re most proud of today. Their children? The table they built by hand? Re-gaining use of a leg doctors said would never walk again? What sets off beams of pride says a lot about the person.
10. Ask, “So…what makes you happy?” You may find yourselves making Charlie Brown lists of how happiness is everything from a warm puppy to a strong morning coffee to a kayak at sunrise on a calm bay. And while everyone else in the room is griping about their work day with wrinkles on their foreheads, you’ll be smiling, relaxed and feeling as happy as if you were experiencing what you’re talking about. Bring out the good parts of life.
Don’t accept the rash judgment your eyes or mind are quick to make for you. Dig deeper with the people you meet. Find out what makes them tick, what moves their soul. The more we learn about each other, the more real our connections and relationships can be.
Get to the heart of people. That’s where the good stuff is.
Big love,
Amy Spencer is the author of Bright Side Up: 100 Ways to Be Happier Right Now and Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match. Get her iPad and iPhone app Bright Side App and Half-Orange Optimisms for positivity on the go. Sign up for Amy’s weekly Vitamin Optimism email and follow Amy at twitter.com/datingoptimist.
Happiness Secrets: 7 Ways to Make the Best of a Bad Day
My friend Kate was coming back from lunch when her co-worker Brad walked in, sighing his tie off.
“I have had the worst day,” he said. “I was backing out of the parking garage and smashed into someone’s car!” The he huffed off.
Five minutes later, Kate’s friend Emma walked in, beaming. “Oh man, I’ve had the best day so far,” she said. “I finally got to meet your friend Brad! In fact, it’s the funniest story. I was pulling into the parking lot when he backed into my car…”
That is a true story. Hilarious, right? And ahhhhh, perspective. What a perfect example of the power we have over our own experiences. Because our happiness is not necessarily about what happens to us, but about how we see what happens to us. The fact that two people can walk away from the same fender bender — or conversation or meeting or dating state of the union — with entirely opposite impressions of it is proof.
Our experience is relative. And while we may not have a choice about the matter, we do have a choice about the mindset. And this is great news, because it means you don’t necessarily have to change a single thing in your life to be happier! You don’t need to make more money or have a bigger kitchen or have a perfect relationship to be happy — you just need to start seeing what you have from a brighter perspective. And the more you do it, the happier you’ll feel.
Want to be happier without changing a single thing? Here are seven ways to do that just by looking on the bright side of your next situation.
1. Thank the lemons
Why does it always take
dating fifty nuh-uhs and interviewing twelve nannies before finding one that
doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth? Because seeing the bad ones is the
only way to appreciate the good. If you haven’t tasted some sour lemons, you’d
never be able to appreciate the sweet stuff. So thank the bad dates, the boring
jobs, the drafty houses and the dull knives, because they’re the things making
you see how lucky you are when you get your hands on the gold.
2. Say, “Well, at least I’m not…”
If you lost your wallet, at least you didn’t lose your phone along with it. If
you lost your phone, at least your numbers are backed up on your computer. Oh,
they’re not? Well … at least you TiVo’d “Parenthood” so you can cry it out
with the Bravermans and get one good thing outta this dang day. The point is,
whether you choose to see your glass as half full or half-empty, at least you
have something in it at all.
3. Do the can-can
Okay. So now you can’t eat
gluten and you can’t afford a Caribbean vacation this year, and for some
reason, you can’t stop thinking about how you can’t do either one! It’s no
wonder: A 2007 study by James Erskine pitting hungry humans against yummy
chocolate found that subjects who attempted to suppress their thoughts about
chocolate
ended up thinking about it more! So instead of thinking about what
you can’t have or do, focus on what you can. No, you can’t have gluten; but you
can have grilled artichokes, juicy New York Strip, sweet peaches, corn
tortillas, and a glass of Cabernet Franc. (Well, check the label first … you
know how these things go.) And while you can’t have the Caribbean, you can
afford a fun road trip along the coast that has plenty of its own charms. Go
head, look at your lists and see: What you can do is so much bigger than what
you can’t.
4. Plan your party story
When one thing goes wrong in a day, it stinks. When three things go wrong? Now
you’ve got the makings of a really funny story. So take notes: When there’s no
hot water for your shower, you have a wardrobe malfunction and your credit card
is rejected at the restaurant, then stop groaning and start building the
hilarious tale you can tell tomorrow.
5. See life as a see-saw
Some days, you’ll be the one stuck in the slow line at Whole Foods, losing the
parking pass, or let go from your job. But some days? You’ll get plucked to
join the brand new line, find a pair of Ray Bans on a park bench and win the
promotion! We split our time on both ends of life’s see-saw. So, to make the
bump you feel on the bottom a little less bad, remember that your upswing is
coming soon.
6. Re-word it more positively
Are you having a “nightmare” week? Is your boss putting you through “hell?” Are
you “never” going to meet the right person? Well, if you spend all your time
focusing on what’s wrong, you leave no room for what’s right. So frame your
life in a more positive way — literally — and things will feel more doable,
bearable and possible. Try saying, “This is a tough week I’ll soon get
through,” and “My boss is a way for me to practice my patience,” and “There are
great people out there if I keep my eyes and heart open to see them.”
7. Put a bow on it for your future self
Huge life changes like job loss and heartbreak don’t always have a bright side
when your in the midst of them. And that’s okay, because expressing your anger
and getting out your grief is emotionally healthy, too. But when you’re wiping
off the salty stains from your cheeks and want something positive to focus on?
Think this: Your future self called and has a message for you about this bad
experience: “Thank you.” Because you’re becoming a smarter, stronger, more
empathetic and more resilient a person with every hurdle you leap. If you can’t
see the benefit of a bad day in your present, then at least you’re giving a
present to your future.
You don’t have to change your whole life to be happier. Just start by changing how you see the good life you already have.
*
This post was originally published in HuffPost. Read the original version here: 7 Ways to Make the Most of a Bad Day
For more ways to see life’s silver linings, check out Bright Side Up: 100 Ways to Be Happier Right Now. Follow Amy at twitter.com/amyspencerla.
4 Ways To Get Happy…Now
I’m embarrassed to admit how much I recently misjudged a situation.
I was walking down the sidewalk on a sunny Thursday afternoon feeling a little envious of the woman ahead of me blocking the path with her dog and baby stroller. Well, woman with a perfect life and happy baby, I thought. You win.
Then I got closer and noticed her stroller was empty … and super small … with a dog bone sitting in the seat. Wait, that’s just a doggie stroller? I thought. Now I was feeling a little annoyed. But as I walked past her, I heard her talking about her dog to another dog-owner. “He’s fifteen,” she said, “and he can’t walk anymore or see very well,” she said. “But he loves being out for fresh air.”
Suddenly, I felt like a jerk for the ten seconds I’d spent wildly misjudging her — especially as I turned to see her lift her pup’s nerve-damaged body back into the stroller with gentle care and kindness.
Of course that’s not the only time I’ve misjudged a situation. But I don’t think I’m entirely alone. Life is so full of interactions with others, we can’t help but get annoyed every now and then. We sigh at the guy with oversized, overstuffed carry-on bags holding up the line at airport security, or we groan at the woman who decides rush hour is the best time to return a lip balm to CVS.
Our judgment is natural. Studies in the 90’s refer to this as the “jumping-to-conclusions bias“ that even with little evidence of a full situation, we like to form conclusions for the sake of our own closure. It feels good to know what the story is. Or to think we do. It’s the golden rule of public life, right? They’re usually wrong and we’re usually right, and wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone was just as awesome as us?
Well, maybe — just maaaaaaaybe — there’s another side to it. Maybe we can see our next situation from a more positive perspective that allows us the greatest opportunity to forgive, accept, and be gracious with others.
The next time you’re put off by the behavior of a stranger, here are four ways to step back from the bias and see it from the bright side:
1. Imagine what’s behind their behavior.
Think outside the box on this one. Maybe the guy with oversized bags at the airport was just laid off and is heading home to move back in with his parents — his pride and dresser stuffed into his duffle bags. Maybe the woman who elbows past you on the sidewalk is rushing to see her mom at the hospital. Or maybe someone’s just having a really bad, terrible, awful day and is taking it out on the rest of us. Here’s the thing: We cannot know all that’s going on in someone else’s life. And sometimes imagining the wild reasons behind their behavior is just the thing to help us forgive it.
2. Remember … we’ve all been that someone.
Let’s be honest: We’ve all once nudged our car into the right lane when we discover at the last minute that it’s our exit. We’ve all once stepped out of turn at the counter because we didn’t know someone else was waiting. And as much as we want to roll our eyes at the four friends at brunch who are texting instead of talking to each other? Well, most of us have been those people, too. It happens. We all have our sidewalk-blocking, loud-talking, in-a-rush moments. Remember that when you want to come down on someone else for theirs.
3. Let them pass.
You have two options: You can curse at the woman tailgating you for the next twenty minutes or you can pull over, let her pass, and enjoy the rest of your drive. I know, I know, “it’s the principle of the thing.” But would you really rather stubbornly withstand something awful on principle or step back and enjoy yourself? Give in sometimes. If someone’s talking in the movie theater, move over. If someone’s elbowing you on the subway, move back. Yes, then they “win.” But really, the fact that you don’t have to see it, deal with it or be bothered by it a single second longer means you win, too.
4. Be grateful you’re not in their shoes.
What if they’re rushing to the doctor because they’re sick? Be glad you’re healthy. What if they’re mad late for a meeting? Be glad you’re on time. And what if they’re just being arrogant, self-indulgent jerks? Well, be glad you’re a good person and let it inspire you to be more generous today with every new someone you see.
We’re all in this busy life thing together, remember. And while it’s normal to get annoyed every now and then, it’s also our choice to look at others through a better, brighter lens. Let’s be generous and offer the people around us more benefit than doubt. Because whether they know it or not, the more we do that, the happier we’ll be.
This post was originally published in HuffPost. Read the original version here: How to Be Happy: 4 Ways to Get There Now.
For more bright angles on bummer situations, check out my book Bright Side Up and the book website brightsideup.com.
Are You Carrying Around An Old Piece of Guilt Candy?
Have you ever cleaned out your purse or messenger bag or carry-on luggage and found a little piece of old candy you forgot about?
Maybe it was a cellophane-wrapped sugar candy or a lollipop. Maybe it was a broken piece of holiday Candy Cane, or a piece of gum sitting so long on the bottom, the sugary goo had bled through the paper itself. It makes you wonder: Why didn’t I just eat this and get it out of the way when I took it? Why have I been carrying around this yucky little thing for so long without even realizing it?
Well, I think we all do the same thing with our emotional experiences, too. Sometimes, we experience something that makes us feel so embarrassed or guilty or full of shame, that we hold onto it like an old butterscotch.
We carry that guilt like candy left to sit and get sticky in our emotional brains, collecting dust bunnies from the corners of our heart for no good reason at all. I call that “guilt candy” and it’s time we cleaned out our emotional pocketbooks of them once and for all.
Sometimes, we experience something that makes us feel so embarrassed or guilty or full of shame, that we hold onto it like an old butterscotch.
Let me explain by telling you about the old piece of guilt candy I’ve carried around too long.
When I was a kid, I went to visit the offices of Newsday with my Dad, Ken Spencer, who worked as a feature photographer for the paper for over three decades. On our tour through the building, I was shown the newsroom, the paper machines and I got to meet some of the writers. The real actual newspaper writers! It was one of the most exciting and memorable days of my childhood. Yet there is one conversation I’ll never forget—for a strange reason.
One writer was showing me his desk and his computer (very likely a Commodore Vic 20 at the time). And, oh, I was in absolute awe as he showed me how he typed up his stories on his computer. I couldn’t believe my eyes when he showed me how he pulled down the “Print” screen. And how, with one press of a button, his story would be sent to the printer. With just a few seconds pause, the writer walked us across the room, twenty desks away, and up to the printer. “And here,” he said, pulling his article from the printer , “is the story we just printed.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes.
“That’s it?” I said, in awe that with just one tiny press of the “Return” button, those words on his screen were being somehow sent fifty paces across the room. Just one button!
“That’s it?” said the writer. “Gosh, what does it take to impress you?”
He was joking and laughing as he said it, and I was too confused by his laughter to get what he found so funny. But a few minutes later it finally hit me what he meant. That when I said “That’s it” I meant “One press of a button?! That’s all it took to get it here?!” But when I said “That’s it” he thought I meant, “Really, that’s all ya got?”
I was so young and shy and didn’t want to correct him that I let him joke and then carried on with the tour. And I spent the rest of the day feeling bad that he misunderstood me. Actually, it wasn’t just the rest of the day. I have carried that small, silly misunderstanding with me for thirty years. For thirty years, I have wished I could tell him that wasn’t what I meant, that he misunderstood, that I was blown away!
It has stuck with me in the strangest way, being misunderstood and mistaken for being ungrateful. But you know what’s funny? I’ll bet that if I was able to mention this to him today, he’d probably say, “I took you on a tour of what?” I couldn’t be more sure he has no recollection of it at all.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Carry around little old pieces of guilt candy that the other people in our lives haven’t even registered as a blip on the radar?
Check in with yourself and clear out your own old pieces of guilt candy. Trust me, it feels good to get it out and take the first step in letting it go.
—Amy
Give Yourself a Happy Love Gift
Seeing as this is the big love month, I wanted to share this fun news: I’ve updated my iPhone app Half-Orange Optimisms and in addition to making sure it works on all the iOS platforms and the newest iPhones, I’ve added a whopping 150 *brand new* thoughts to it. Which means the app now has more than 250 positive ideas to happy up your love life. Can you take it? I can barely take it.
Wait, do you know about this app yet? When it first launched along with my book Meeting Your Half-Orange, the iTunes store put it on the Hot List and it was recommended by The Daily News. You can find out more about the Half-Orange Optimisms app on the iTunes store. If you already have the app, be sure to update it to Version 2.0! And if you don’t have it, check it out. Because these are all original words of mine, and I wrote every single positive idea with happy love in mind. Here’s the gist:
Description
Do you sometimes feel discouraged with dating and love? If you could use a pep talk every now and then about yourself and your dating life, Half-Orange Optimisms is here. Your “half-orange” (the translation of the Spanish term mi media naranja) describes your sweetheart and perfect other half. And the path to yours can be paved using dating optimism. Use them as a companion piece to the book Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match by Amy Spencer, or just dive into dating optimism on your own!
These are not reprints of quotes or lines you’ve read before. Half-Orange Optimisms are freshly original tips and insights that provide the dating optimism you want on demand! Like a Magic Eight Ball of love wisdom, they’re the words of dating and life encouragement you need to hear at the time you need to hear them.
Just ask for some sweet orange guidance, then shake the phone for the dose you need to turn on your positivity and draw the right person straight to you. And when an Optimism really hits home, email it to yourself or a good friend for an added boost.
FEATURES:
• Over 250 original, unique Optimisms written by Amy Spencer.
• Get a new Optimism every time you shake.
• Optimisms are more than just inspiring quotes—they provide actionable suggestions and ideas for improving your relationship point of view.
• A bright animated 3D orange delivers your message.
• Email your favorite Optimisms to yourself or a friend. Or save one to paste in your Notes app, a post or a tweet! (Note: There is not a Saved Favorites page within the app.)
• Optimisms are for all singles—women and men, single or divorced, of every age. If you are seeking your other half or just want reminders to make the most of a love you have, these words are for you.
Your thoughts about dating can change your love life forever. Let Half-Orange Optimisms help you put your thoughts in a positive state of mind. Visit amyspencer.com to contact Amy and learn more about this app, as well as the books and the optimism that goes with it.
What’s New in Version 2.0
Big fixes and updates with this one! Cleaned out all the bugs and freshened it up, so it’s now working perfectly and up to date for all iOS and iPhones from the 4 on. Plus: I’ve added a whopping 150 *brand new* Optimisms in this version, so the app now offers more than 250 fresh, inspiring thoughts to enhance your gorgeous life even more.
Big love,
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