HAPPINESS HOW-TO

I decided to clean out my closet recently. So I grabbed everything inside and threw it on my bed. Four hours later, my room still looked like a tyhpoon had hit and I was so over it. I’m sure you know the feeling. But that’s when I realized my closet cleaning project was just like life: Sometimes things get worse before they can get better. And, really, a messy closet is the least of it all.

Life can be a party if you see it that way. Your mis-steps are part of the dance. (Image by Amy Spencer, Playa Ocotal, Costa Rica, 2011)

• In work, maybe you struggle with a job before realizing you’d be better off doing it differently—or going down a different career path altogether.

• In money, maybe you have to eat some costs to get yourself to the place you want to be.

• In relationships, maybe you get in argument that’s so big, you wonder if you’ll ever preserve the relationship, but maybe the backward breakdown was necessarily to build your relationship back up on a better foundation.

Whatever your struggle is, sometimes touching our toes on the dark bottom is the wake-up call we need to push ourselves with all our might back up to the top.

Going backward blows, there’s no doubt about it. But it’s not a total disaster. It’s also an opportunity. It’s a chance to see what’s not working, how we want to feel and what can be changed for the better. We don’t learn what we’re capable of from the steady move forward. We learn it from the mis-steps backward—and I’m sure the current contestants on Dancing with the Stars would agree. It takes some sweat, pulled muscles, mistakes and tears to learn the dance. That’s life.

Try this: Look at the difficult moment you’re experiencing for the cha-cha that it is. Know that at the end of this tough stuff is a performance you’ll be proud of. So if you’re in the sweat-filled, swear-filled, mis-step stage right now, remember: this is part of the dance. We don’t move forward without a few steps backward. That’s how the cha-cha goes.

What’s your most recent step backward that you can learn from? How is it an opportunity for you to learn from it, grow from it and come back stronger with your next step?

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Big love,

Paint your doors and plant your trees. Your world is how you decide to mold it. (Image by Amy Spencer; French Quarter, New Orleans, 2011)

“This is your world. Shape it or someone else will.”

I know one thing about clay: If you don’t pick it up and mold it into something, it sits like a lump on the table until someone picks it up or throws it away. Well, our lives are a lot like that clay. If we don’t pick it up and proactively shape what we want for ourselves, who knows what it will become?

Sometimes, I know, it feels like life is happening to us and that we’re mere pawns in the game: The boss gives us an assignment we hate having to do. Some drama goes down with a good friend. Our rent goes up. Our back goes out. A date doesn’t write us back online like we hoped they would.“Why is this happening to me?” we ask our life. “Why are you making it so hard?”

Yes, things happen to us. But we also have an extremely powerful tool to bring to the art table of life: We have the ability to shape our lives by the choices we make and the attitude we present. How?

Try this: Mold each day this week like a piece of clay. Approach that dreaded job assignment with the goal of learning something new. Tell your friend how you feel from the bottom of your heart. Turn your hobby into an inventive way to make cash to cover the rent increase. Use the time you’re laid out in bed with back problems catching up on the good books you keep meaning to read. And if your date isn’t writing you back online, delete them from your love plan and start looking again for someone who willlove you back in a big, big way. Make your life what you want it to be or life will do it for you.

Start today: Shape your own clay. Be the kind, positive, even-keeled, productive, loving person you know you can be, and mold your life, hour by hour and day by day into the one you dream of having. Because if you don’t shape your world the way you want it, someone else will.

What do you want to mold going forward today? What area of your life do you want to take control of once and for all?

Big love,

What do you see? A washed up boat? Or a vessel waiting for its next big journey? (Image by Amy Spencer. Punta Uva, Costa Rica, 2011)

“It’s not what you look at that matters. It’s what you see.”
—Henry David Thoreau

What are you seeing when you look outside your window at these early spring days? Well, that depends on what you want to see.

I’m a sucker for those sunglass stands on the boardwalk, and can stand for twenty minutes trying on a dozen cheap pairs. The pair that make everything yellow. The pair that make it look like you just stepped out of an 80’s movie or into the 70’s. But you know what the best kind of glasses are? The glasses that we wear in our minds. The pair that can take what you see and utterly transform it into what you want. How do you make them happy glasses? Simply choose to see the positive side. Yes, choose.

Here’s what I mean…

If you look at a disastrous first day of work, you can see a depressing defeat or…a really funny story for the co-workers who will be your friends in a few weeks. If you look at a date that’s leaving you flat, you can see another failure in love or…a conversation with a new pal you may have been destined to meet. And if you look at the clouds in the afternoon sky, you can see an imperfect day or…a more interesting sunset as the sun lights up the layers of the sky.

Try this: This week, try on a pair of positive glasses. Choose to see everything that comes your way with a positive spin. See exciting changes, hopeful opportunities, funny missteps, smiles on strangers, interesting weather and fresh starts. The world doesn’t look the same to all of us. It doesn’t even look the same to two people looking at the very same thing. You see what you choose to see. You can see what want. This week, slip on the glasses that allow you to see your life from a brighter perspective. The best part? You won’t owe the sunglass guy $10, because your positive point of view is free!

What’s one negative thing in your day that you can look at today in a positive light? Tell me how you’ll frame your tough situation as if you’re wearing “happy glasses.”

Big love,

“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
—Novelist and theologian, Carl Frederick Buechner

When I was on my first marathon date with my now-husband, Gustavo, I don’t remember exactly what we talked about for seven hours straight. But I remember how I felt while we talked: Listened to. Liked. Respected. Funny. And the more I think about it, that, for all of us, is the most important part of every interaction. Not necessarily the words we use, but the feelings that come with them. Whether it’s a romantic connection, a friendly chat, or a business meeting, feelings matter.

When we talk to others, it’s so easy to get caught up in how we think we sound, right? You know, that little voice that may be wondering, “Do I seem smart enough?” “Am I giving the right advice?” “Nailing the answers in an interview?” “Saying the most charming thing?” But it’s not that we say and do all the right things that matters. It’s how we feel in one another’s presence. Knowing this, make others feel valued and special and good around you. Feelings matter. To us and to others. So that’s what this happiness-how to is all about.

Try this: The next time you get self-conscious about whether you look right, walk right, talk right, remember it’s not just about the words! Smile when you talk to someone. Use their name. Greet them warmly. Ask them about themselves. Really listen. Try to understand. And tune into how you’re feeling so you can truly be present in the moment. When others feel warm, valued and comfortable in your presence, they’ll want to be around you more. So during your next date, meeting, job interview or catch-up lunch with a friend, forget the words for a minute and focus on the feelings.

Buechner is right: They will never forget how you made them feel. Make others feel calm, happy and good around you, and you’ll find you better about yourself, too.

Big love,