Okay. I need to rant. Positively, of course.

I’ve gotten a lot of letters recently from singles who start out their notes to me asking how in the world someone is ever going to like them when they’re… [insert flaws here].

Why should they love thee? Count the ways! (Image: Amy Spencer)

Women think their average looks or chunky thighs or sense of humor or tomboy nature is unappealing to men. Men think their bald spots or clunky car or average job or overweight physique is unappealing to women. And if you have any qualities about yourself or features in your life that you also think are a turn-off, let me say this:

If you don’t think you’re someone worth dating, neither will anyone else. I will say that again, because I want you to imprint this in your brain and remind yourself of it every second. If you don’t think you’re someone worth dating, neither will anyone else.

If you think you look unattractive or too old or too out of shape or your job is too plain or kind of lame, you will create that energy around you. And when you meet new people or go on dates, those new people or those new dates will think, “Hmmm, I don’t know why I think this, but maybe she’s unattractive or he’s too old or they’re too out of shape or their job is too plain or kind of lame…” You know why they think that? Because you think that. You are the one creating that energy.

Let me be blunt, too, because a lot of letter-writers commented on how unhealthy or unappealing or unattractive people felt physically. “Who’s ever going to love me when I look like this?” someone asked. To that I say: If you don’t feel you look your best, then do something that will make you feel better about it! For you guys who said you have bald spots, maybe you get your hair cut shorter so your bald patch isn’t something you are constantly thinking about. For you women who said you dress frumpy to hide your body, maybe it’s time you dressed in clothes that make you feel more confident and slimmer so you’re not thinking about your weight. And maybe we—me included—could all start running or going to the gym or eating healthy. Do what you have to do to feel as confident as possible in your own skin. But even if you do none of these things and walk out your door tomorrow exactly as you look today, you have to feel different about yourself.

Here’s something that can help: Write a list of 50 things that are awesome about you: What you know, what you can cook, stories of places you’ve traveled to, experiences you’ve tried, jokes you tell well, skills you have, how big your heart is, and how big your desire to be a great partner.

If you start to feel you are a catch, you’ll start putting energy out there that you are a catch, and those you meet will start to respond that way. You’ll become a catch. So do what you need to do to remind yourself why you’re awesome. If you think you’re someone worth dating, other people will think so too.

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Another positive rant: “Should I settle for a nice guy I don’t really like?”

Big love,

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011 at 11:58 am and is filed under Optimisms. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.