Okay. I need to rant. Positively, of course.
I’ve gotten a lot of letters recently from singles who start out their notes to me asking how in the world someone is ever going to like them when they’re… [insert flaws here].
Why should they love thee? Count the ways! (Image: Amy Spencer)
Women think their average looks or chunky thighs or sense of humor or tomboy nature is unappealing to men. Men think their bald spots or clunky car or average job or overweight physique is unappealing to women. And if you have any qualities about yourself or features in your life that you also think are a turn-off, let me say this:
If you don’t think you’re someone worth dating, neither will anyone else. I will say that again, because I want you to imprint this in your brain and remind yourself of it every second. If you don’t think you’re someone worth dating, neither will anyone else.
If you think you look unattractive or too old or too out of shape or your job is too plain or kind of lame, you will create that energy around you. And when you meet new people or go on dates, those new people or those new dates will think, “Hmmm, I don’t know why I think this, but maybe she’s unattractive or he’s too old or they’re too out of shape or their job is too plain or kind of lame…” You know why they think that? Because you think that. You are the one creating that energy.
Let me be blunt, too, because a lot of letter-writers commented on how unhealthy or unappealing or unattractive people felt physically. “Who’s ever going to love me when I look like this?” someone asked. To that I say: If you don’t feel you look your best, then do something that will make you feel better about it! For you guys who said you have bald spots, maybe you get your hair cut shorter so your bald patch isn’t something you are constantly thinking about. For you women who said you dress frumpy to hide your body, maybe it’s time you dressed in clothes that make you feel more confident and slimmer so you’re not thinking about your weight. And maybe we—me included—could all start running or going to the gym or eating healthy. Do what you have to do to feel as confident as possible in your own skin. But even if you do none of these things and walk out your door tomorrow exactly as you look today, you have to feel different about yourself.
Here’s something that can help: Write a list of 50 things that are awesome about you: What you know, what you can cook, stories of places you’ve traveled to, experiences you’ve tried, jokes you tell well, skills you have, how big your heart is, and how big your desire to be a great partner.
If you start to feel you are a catch, you’ll start putting energy out there that you are a catch, and those you meet will start to respond that way. You’ll become a catch. So do what you need to do to remind yourself why you’re awesome. If you think you’re someone worth dating, other people will think so too.
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Another positive rant: “Should I settle for a nice guy I don’t really like?”
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So I actually went ahead and wrote a list of 50. I usually ignore suggestions like this, but I happened to be thinking about this very question \What do I like about myself\, about an hour before I read your post. I struggled to write the list at first, but when I got to 50, I wanted to keep going! I was reminded that I really do like a lot of things about myself, and other people like those things in me as well. Thanks for the suggestion.
love this! such a great message
i feel like if you love yourself then loving someone else is also a lot easier!
So glad you did it, Kyla! I know, I’m not often one to do the “Homework of the day” things, but sometimes when you do them, you realize how useful it is to DO them instead of just think about them. I love that you wanted to write more! Well done “Catch” list. Now keep that list handy and put in a place you’ll see often or can refer to when you need another reminder.
—Amy
And good point, Julie! Once you start thinking in terms of positive things, you’ll find yourself drawn to the positive qualities in *other* people. Which is just what might make you recognize your half-orange, too.
—Amy
Hi Amy, I love this…I am a devotee, I am constantly reading the book. I finish it and start over again. It keeps me in the buzz. I get the buzz going in the morning and picking up the book at lunch keeps it going. Im going to do the 50 list today.
Thank you Amy for this conversation and for allowing me to comment on your blog.
How you feel is important, and where you meet your match is also important.
If we go do some community work, we’ll feel great inside. Then you know you are a good book, and the cover is just a cover. There is nothing more uplifting than helping others. This will give you confidence and make your excellence shine through.
You may meet someone interesting, single, and compassionate doing community work. A person like this will see your excellence.
[...] One of my favourite relationship bloggers, Amy Spencer of The Dating Optimist, pointed out in her column: “If you don’t believe that you are someone worth dating, neither will anyone else.” If you want a pep talk read her post, You Are A Catch, You Know. [...]