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Cheering each other on

Monday, May 24th, 2010

I was talking to a single friend of mine this weekend about what she was looking for in a relationship. After she rattled off her list—and it was a long one—she laughed. “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff,” she said. “I guess I want too much, huh.”

Addison Montgomery wants it all.

I used to think the same thing. After all, how could I get all I wanted to feel in a relationship—feeling appreciated, pretty, smart, funny, needed and special—in one succinct and sexy package? Well, you get it by wanting it. By wanting it and asking for it. Just like you only get the In ‘n’ Out burger “Animal Style” with sautéed onions on it if you want it and ask for that!

It brought to mind a week-old episode of Private Practice, which, over its two seasons, has really grown on me. Even that odd little pouty thing Addison keeps doing with her mouth. One scene was based on a conversation between Addison (Grey’s Anatomy spinoff star Kate Walsh) and Sheldon (the former Dream On star Brian Benben). Both single, both searching.

Sheldon: Is there some glaringly obvious reason why I’m everybody’s second choice?

Addison: Ah, you and me both.

Sheldon: No. Anyone that could choose you, would. You just can’t quite decide what you want.

Addison: Yeah, well, apparently I want everything.

Sheldon: Yeah, you do, and you should get everything. You’re just scared of what it will mean. And being scared…no one lays on a death bed and wishing they had less, less love, no one. So if you love the guy, Addison, for God’s sake, don’t let it get away.

Yes, Addison is lucky. She has a guy she loves in mind. But you don’t need a specific guy or girl in mind. You just need to know how you want to feel with the right person. And when you’re making that mental list, you should want everything and you should get everything. Don’t be scared that asking for it will hold you back. Because asking for it is the one thing that will open your whole world up.

Big love,

Tags: Addison, Kate Walsh, Private Practice, single
Posted in It's on TV, Optimisms | 3 Comments »

Grey’s Anatomy: “Be Positive Tomorrow”

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

I wanted to answer a question that comes up in dating optimism at some point or another: “Do you always have to be positive about dating?” No. You don’t.

Bailey is a fan of all feelings (Photo: By Ron Tom, ABC.com)

And when I saw the theme of this week’s “Shiny Happy People” episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I thought it was a good time to remind us all of this.

This is how Grey opened the episode:

“It’s a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life. As children we’re told to smile, be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults, we’re told to look on the bright side, make lemonade and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part, though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It’s in these moments when you just want to get real, to drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self.”

Later in the episode, when a patient named Amber found out she was going to lose three fingers, her positively-trained reaction was to smile and be grateful that she was alive at all. As her friend said (played by Emma from Glee!) Amber should see the bad news as just a small bump in the big ride of life. But Baily (played by Chandra Wilson) could tell Amber was struggling. She was faking her feelings. So Bailey gave Amber permission to embrace her true, scared, unhappy self instead.

Bailey: “You can cry, Amber, it’s fine. It’s a lot to take in all at once.

Emma from Glee: No, she needs to stay positive. That’s how we get through, we stay positive.

Bailey: She was excited. She was hopeful. She was eager. And that has been crushed. She has the right to have some feelings. She can be positive tomorrow. [to Amber] You can be positive tomorrow.

The truth is, real health and happiness comes from feeling it all. When bad things happen—and bad things do happen to good people, all the time—you may be tempted to try to look on the bright side each and every time. And I encourage you to get better at doing that. But sometimes, the hurt is immense and our heart needs to sit with it for a while. Sometimes we need a good cry so we have the energy to be positive tomorrow.

So if you’ve been going through a rough time and had your hopes in dating, love or life dashed, I say this, as Bailey did: You can cry. It’s fine. Keep wiping tears and writing angry letters that you’ll never send to your ex or to God and keep sobbing it out, because the only way you’ll get past the messy stuff is to empty it from yourself, until you can’t cry another tear and frankly can’t be bothered to. You can be positive tomorrow. And with all those tears shed, you’ll be far more able to.

You might also like:
The Grey’s Way: How Not to Get a Date
Love Lesson from a Serial Killer

Big love,

Tags: Grey's Anatomy, surviving set-backs
Posted in It's on TV, Optimisms | 3 Comments »

Well…Why Not?

Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

I keep thinking about last week’s episode of Cougar Town. A show, by the way, I now love.

Jules had the right answer, er, question. (Photo: ABC.com)

It went from a manic show where I couldn’t understand a word anyone said to a laugh-out-loud funny one I look forward to every week. And the line that stuck with me from last week was a simple one.

After Jules (played by Courteney Cox) and Grayson (played by Josh Hopkins) started becoming friends with benefits, she suggested the two of them try—really try—having a relationship. When Grayson asked Jules “Why,” she said one thing: “Why not?“

Well, I think we could all use a little more “Why not” in our lives—especially if you’re single or dating. Why take advantage of a three-day weekend to take a last-minute discount flight to the Bahamas with your friends? Why not? Why go out with the guy who’s six years younger but absolutely, utterly nuts about you? Why not? Why talk to an interesting-looking stranger at a party instead of your same-old crew in the corner? Why not? If you’ve read Meeting Your Half-Orange, then you know that I’m all about putting your desire for a relationship out there, and then letting life bring you your big surprise. For all you know, your next “Why not?” may just be the thing you need.

So don’t let what you’ve always done get in the way of trying new things. And don’t let fear or rules or someone else’s expectations dictate what you say yes to. This week, branch out and give yourself a “Why not?”

You might also like:
Cougar Town Tip: Do You Need to Cut the Strings?
What’s the Upside? The Tale of the Halo

Big love,

Posted in It's on TV, Optimisms | 4 Comments »

Are You a Cranky Cow?

Friday, April 30th, 2010

I’m behind in 30 Rock, but I caught up yesterday, and had to share part of a recent show.

Negative may be funny, but is it bringing you love?

Whether you haven’t seen it, or saw it and could use some reminding, this is practical useful stuff in dating, no matter who you are, how old you are, or what kind of half-orange you’re looking for.

The setting: Liz Lemon has been dragging herself to singles events (singles dodgeball, singles line dancing) for weeks and she’s over it. She finally brings Jack’s love interest Nancy Donovan (played by Julianne Moore) to a mixer. And after Liz points out all the reasons she doesn’t want to date anyone in the room (i.e. “pants tucked into jeans!”), Nancy says this:

“God, Liz, you’re so negative! Every time you say what you don’t want, you sound like a cranky cow! And you’re not that. You’re smart and you’re fun. So stop talking about what you don’t want and start figuring out what you do want. And then go get it.”

Of course hilary ensues when she does, but the point is there just the same. I was very single for a very long time, so I know what it’s like in the trenches. I know that sometimes it feels really good to point out all the reasons love isn’t going to happen with the guys or girls around who are too tall, too weird, too denim, too bald, too serious, too cheap—the list goes on, I know. Lord knows it gets a laugh sometimes. But the fact is, if you’re only pointing out what you don’t like and don’t want, you’re going to sound, well, like a cranky cow! Do you want cool people you’ve just met to hightail it in the other direction because they don’t want to be around someone so negative? No. Of course not.

So I think that when you talk about yourself and dating, be the positive person others want to be around. Talk about what you do want. And then go get it.

Right? Am I alone in this? Or do you think being hilariously negative about love can be a good thing?

Big love and curiously yours,

You might also like:
The Tightrope Fall of Negative Thinking
Daters, Here’s What You’re Doing Wrong…

Tags: cranky
Posted in It's on TV, Optimisms | Comments Off

Sandra Bullock: Some Oscar Speech Optimism!

Monday, March 8th, 2010

And the winner for the most moving Oscar speech of the night goes to…Sandra Bullock. I saw and loved The Blind Side—like, tears-streaming-down-my-neck loved. I was happy to see that Sandra not only got credit for moving so many people in the movie, but that she moved so many people in her speech, too.

In fact, Sandra said three things in particular that made me think of you, because the messages are universal and speak volumes about the love you may be seeking in life.

Sandra Bullock gave good speech

SANDRA MOMENT #1: “Everyone who’s shown me kindness when it wasn’t fashionable, I thank you. To everyone who was mean to me when it wasn’t…like, George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago, I’m still holding a grudge…”

Yes, she was joking about Clooney, but she makes a seriously solid point here. Everyone you’ve ever had a relationship with—your lovers, your friends, your parents, your high school sweethearts, your previous boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands or wives—have made you who you are today. They have taught you lessons, shown you what you want in love and what you don’t. Whether they were kind to you or hurt you, these are the people worth thanking. With time and determination to grow positively from it, you will be the better for it.

SANDRA MOMENT #2: “If I can take this moment to thank Helga B . . . for making me practice every day when I got home: piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist you had to practice every day.

Why do I highlight this part? Because optimism takes practice, too. I explain all of this in Meeting Your Half-Orange, how it doesn’t come second-nature to everyone. In fact, it didn’t come second-nature to me when I was single and needed it most, even though I was born and raised an optimist.

Trust me, I get it. When life is looking lonely and you fear a future with no one loving you in it, it’s natural to want to hug the emotions you’re used to: Defeat. Disappointment. Mistrust. Self-protection. Sadness. You name it, I felt it when I was single, too. But for you to become the joyful, strong, confident, interesting, passionate, hopeful person you’re meant to be, you have to practice your positivity. You have to practice taking a new view on your life! Because the better you get at doing that, the faster your true love will find you.

SANDRA MOMENT #3: “…and for reminding her daughters that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no special orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So to that trailblazer who allowed me to have that [husband Jesse James]…”

I think we should all say this again and again to ourselves: We are all deserving of love. So if you feel deep down that you aren’t good enough to deserve the great love others have, you’re wrong. Or, on the other hand, if you feel deep down that you have such abundance in life that you couldn’t possibly ask for a great love, too, you’re wrong. Like the uplifting message we were reminded of in my post about the adorable show Glee, A Glee-ful Reminder, every single one of us deserves and can have a great love. Problems, issues, luck, pasts aside, look at where your life is today and give yourself the gift of asking for a relationship that will make you shine.

And so I ask you, dear readers: What surprising person might be in your Oscar speech about love? Which someone you’ve known or dated or loved or been raised by or been hurt by would you thank for making you who you are? If you thank your past, you’ll be better equipped to give more of yourself to your future partner.

You might also like:
Oh, Sherri: Her Lessons in Love
Babe Ruth: A Dating Strategy?

Big Oscar love,