In the big wild world

Cheering each other on

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

My Gramma Ruth passed away two days ago at the age of 93.

Gramma with my baby Aunt in the 1940's

She was my last living grandparent, my Dad’s Mom, the matriarch of the Spencer family. She was never sick a day in her life, and lived her time to her fullest, until a ripe old age.

In the past few days, my family and I have talked a lot about what we’ll never forget about Gramma, who raised four children without raising a peep over how hard it was. My sister and I also planted pots of Forget Me Nots, and talked about a different memory of her as we dropped each seed. And the one thing that keeps coming up about Gramma was her way of giving. She took so little, expected so little and gave so much.

Every Christmas, she’d spend two days hand-making hundreds of cookies she gave out in Cool Whip containers to every family member, and she’d spend probably two months sewing original felt ornaments of ice skaters and camels and snowmen.

My favorite memories, in fact, are of Gramma sewing and teaching me to sew. One year, inspired by Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink, I took on a particularly big and public project: I set out to sew my own junior prom dress. I couldn’t afford the expensive dresses I wanted, so I designed my own dress that I hoped was going to look just as beautiful for a quarter of the price. I spent weeks working on it, and a few days before the prom, Gramma came to visit from Connecticut. She looked at what I’d done with the dress so far, and guided me through one of the last steps, a day of machine sewing the bodice onto the big ruffled skirt. The truth was, it looked pretty terrible. I went to bed frowning at how crooked and messy my stitches were, stomping at my stupidity for taking my own look into my own hands. This was my first prom! And instead of looking like the other girls in the beautiful Laura Ashley dresses I’d wished I could afford, I was going to look a right old mess. The next morning, I saw the dress laid out on the dining room table looking different than I’d remembered. In fact, it was absolute perfection. “Oh, I just fixed a few of the stitches for you,” said Gramma, waving her hand away. In truth, while I was sleeping, she stayed up all night, took the worst parts of the dress apart and sewed it back together for me perfectly. And all I remember from there is how pretty I felt on my prom day, how proud I was of myself and my dress, and how grateful I was to Gramma for giving me that gift.

My Mom said the same of her giving. Gramma, she wrote in an email, “was always understated, modest, humble, a gentle lady working quieting behind the scenes, never wanting or expecting praise or thanks. A true saint.”

It’s a reminder for all of us to look not at what we’re getting today, but at what we’re giving. Even when it comes to relationships, we’re more often focusing on what we want to get from our partners than on what we want to give. But love is a two-way street. Giving is half the work and half the fun. So don’t just think about what you deserve to get. Think about what you want to give in love: Your big heart? Your unconditional acceptance? Your sewing skills or cooking? Your ability to make people laugh and feel cared for when they need it most?

Gramma as I best remember her: smiling.

In honor of my Gramma, think about what you can you give someone else today without the need for praise or thanks. What can you give just for the joy of giving? Maybe a gift. A compliment. A phone call. An apology. A plate of cookies. An hour of your time helping them finish a task they can’t seem to get started. A shoulder to lean on. A birthday card. A cocktail. A hug. An “I love you” to the person who may know it, but needs to hear it. Whatever you have inside that someone else needs, give. Even after 93 years, life feels short, so give today, while you can.

Thank you, Gramma. I only hope we can live as generously as you did,

Big love,

Tags: giving, Gramma
Posted in In the big wild world, Optimisms | 9 Comments »

If You Think You’re Happy…

Friday, February 26th, 2010

I was going through some of my books on my shelf yesterday, like I do photo albums every now and then. I’d pick one up, flip through a few pages, stop to read a paragraph, and look for pages I’d marked, lines I’d underlined.

From Paris, with love

One was We’ll To the Woods No More by Eduard Dujardin, which was written in Paris in the 1880′s and translated into English. I bought it in a bookstore two decades ago and have held onto ever since. When I opened it, this underlined sentence caught my eye:

He thinks he is happy, therefore he is happy.

It’s something I’ve questioned over the years: What is happiness, really? Is it a state of mind? Is it something that circumstances and friends can weigh in on?

People have even asked me throughout my life, ”Are you really always this happy?” It made me wonder if I was fooling myself. Maybe I thought I was happy…but really wasn’t. Maybe if I was more realistic and faced the facts of life or the seriousness of a situation, I’d come back down to earth and realize that I wasn’t so happy after all.

Well, phooey to that. I know the answer now. Happiness is a state of mind. It’s relative. It’s all in how you look at your life and see your circumstances. Like the character in We’ll To the Woods No More, if you think you’re happy, therefore you are happy.

The same goes for dating: If you think you’re in a good place in your dating life, therefore you are in a good place. If you think you’re close to meeting the love of your life and ready to be in that relationship, therefore you are. Life isn’t a list of moments we compute and spit out our state of being. Life is what we make it, how we feel about it and how we choose to face it. So why not choose the route that makes you feel good about yourself? Like my post on Get Un-Lost: Nothing Is Irreversible, you have the power to change what you’re thinking.

It’s not always easy, I know that. Maybe you had a bad day. A bad phone call. A terribly painful loss. An breakup with someone you cared about. Will that derail your single experience? Will that affect your future relationships? Well…that’s up to you. You haven’t rolled the dice and picked up a Monopoly card that tells you what square to place your silver boot on. This is your call. If you think your life will improve on account of what’s happened to you, therefore it will.

Choose your state of mind. Today, even for an hour, decide to be happy with who you are and where you are in your life. Think you are happy and therefore you are happy.

You might also like:
Take it From a Yoga Guru
Daters: Here’s What You’re Doing “Wrong”
You’re Mad-About-Able

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It is written | Comments Off

A Love Lesson From…the Olympic Halfpipe

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

I hold a special respect for Olympic skiers and snowboarders. Especially after watching skier Lindsey Vonn and snowboarder Shaun White win their gold medals last night. Man, they rocked it, didn’t they? I could watch them smile and listen to Lindsey cry tears of joy for days, which Bob Costas so perfectly described by saying: “those emotions a combination of joy, pride, relief, thanks, appreciation, all rolled into one.” Which, to be honest, is what meeting your half-orange feels like—or will feel like—too.

I credit my personal awe of those guys to a skiing experience I had a few years ago during a trip to the Sundance Film Festival in Utah.

Like Shaun White: Are you LIVING a good run? (Image: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

I was staying at a friends’ corporate-sponsored chalet that was nestled high on a mountain and accessible from the intermediate ski run. Me being a gal from New York, I’d grown up skiing some small mountains in New Jersey and just north of the city.

“Intermediate?” I said, “No problem.”

It turns out, however, the intermediate hill in New Jersey is the bunny hill in Utah. And the intermediate hill in Utah? Well, let’s just say that once I got off the lift, I felt like I was looking over the edge of a cliff. Egads, I was in trouble.

As with many things in life, it wasn’t the hill that was the problem as much my sheer lack of confidence that I could tackle it. And so after a few wobbly-legged attempts, completely pointless snowplowing and a few tumbles, I eventually took off my skis and clomped sideways down the hill in my boots, whimpering the whole time. It was, I’m sure, a hilarious sight to behold. God bless my friends who didn’t laugh at me until I was ready to laugh at myself. (And God bless you if you’ve already read about my surfing experience in my past post Get Blue Crush Brave and still hold any respect for my sportiness!)

Which is why I gaze in wonder when I see the Olympians tearing down the snowy mountain and doing flips in the halfpipe. But I’m not just impressed by Shaun White’s moves, but by his attitude. Shaun had these words to say just before he competed in the halfpipe qualifier on Cypress Mountain in West Vancouver last night:

“I’m looking for, basically, some good runs. I just, uh, I don’t think it’s about one trick in the run, I think it’s the whole thing, so I’m just trying to put down solid runs all night and, uh, we’ll go from there, see what special stuff I got in store.”

You know what I liked about that? Shaun wasn’t bragging about the one specific move that was going to lead him to his goal—yes, of course he had some serious tricks up his sleeve that he’d invented just for this big international show. But he also knew that without a good first run overall, one big trick wouldn’t mean a thing.

And that’s how I see our lives, especially in love and dating: without a good run overall, you won’t get to show your big tricks. So often, when we want to be in love, we put aside everything else to get the relationship. But if you’re not living a good full life overall, if you’re not having a good run overall, then you may not get a chance to show your big tricks to the right person in the first place. Don’t let your fear freeze you like mine did on a Utah mountain. And don’t let your anxiousness about getting into a relationship take over the life you’re living now.

Look at dating the way Shaun White looks at that halfpipe: Aim to have a good run overall. Smile and enjoy the whole thing—the nights in, the nights out, the so-so dates, the funny set-ups, the time with friends, the ways you grow. If you’re having a good time with your life, then your dates will want to see what “special stuff” you have in store.

The tactic sure worked for Shaun White: After the first of two finals runs last night, he scored 46.8. He didn’t even have to take another run to get his gold, but Shaun knew that by putting down those good runs, he’d earned his chance to pull those tricks out of the bag. And so he took a second run—how very Mary Lou Retton of him—and showed off his special “Spiraling Double McTwist” that earned him a 48.4 and, of course, that gold.

It’s a medal that’s round and kind of orange-looking, come to think of it. Just like the half-orange you’re looking for.

You might also like:
Your Life’s Not in Ruins

Big love and good runs,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, It's on TV, Optimisms | Comments Off

Have An Optimistic Valentine’s Day!

Friday, February 12th, 2010

If you think about it, Valentine’s Day is one of the few exclusionary holidays out there. We all get to celebrate Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Halloween. But February 14th? That’s all about couples celebrating their love. So what’s a single to do?

Fill you heart with some happy this year

Despite the fact that you might be tempted to make retching gestures toward every red heart-shaped doily you see, I have four much more productive suggestions. This Valentine’s Day…

1. …don’t spend it alone. You may be tempted to curl up on the couch in front of some bad TV and try to ignore it altogether. But spending the night by yourself may only remind you that you are, well, by yourself. My suggestion: Find a friend or a few to share it with. Stay in, go out, grab a cocktail, watch a movie, drink some wine, play pool, play board games, hang just for an hour or all night long—just do something that reminds you how nice it feels to have relationships with other people. Maybe you don’t have a love relationship this year, but it’s healthy to remind yourself how good it feels to be loved by those close to you.

2. …there are no anti-Valentine’s Day parties allowed! It’s natural that if you’re feeling down about your love life, you’d want to take down the Hallmark holiday. Phooey on those gooey kissy couples paying too much for their meals, right? Well, this year, I want you to look at it differently. Instead of sending a message that you hate Valentine’s Day—which is putting out a negative message about love—look at it as a visual reminder of what you want in your life: If other couples can have happy relationships, so can you!

3. …throw a Dream Board party! My friend’s friend, who I’ll call Mara, just read Meeting Your Half-Orange, and instead of blowing off the holiday, she’s decided to spend it celebrating the love she wants to bring into her life. Here’s how she put it in an email to me last night:

“It’s the first refreshing yet realistic book that I have read about being single in a very long time and it has made me more hopeful, without being cheesy. Somewhere along the way, I think many of us lose our optimism—and this book definitely helps you regain it. I’m making a Valentine’s Day dinner for my very best friend, who is single, and I’ve decided that we are going to create our own “dream boards” together over dinner and lots of wine. I am so excited about it!”

The explanation for what a Dream Relationship Board is and how to make one is thoroughly explained in my book, and I assure you, it is not a cheesy exercise! I’ve made many a believer out of one, trust me. And once you read the success stories of the singles who did it (including me) you’ll also be so convinced, you’ll want to try the same thing. It’s a healthy, hopeful way to provide yourself with a visual reminder of the big love you want in your life.

4. …buy yourself flowers and candy. Screw waiting for someone else to buy you flowers or candy. Treat yourself to some blooms and a box of chocolates or a bag of candy hearts. And take the little messages on those confections as words your future half-orange will tell you: “Kiss me,” ”You’re sexy,” and before you know it—and if you want it—”Marry me.”

You might also like:
10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Being Single
8 Reasons to Go Out Tonight!

Big love and Happy Optimistic Valentine’s Day,

Posted in In the big wild world, Optimisms, With a little help from your friends | Comments Off

How to Use the Phases of Dating Optimism!

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

I’m having a little Regina Spektor moment right now. You know what I’m talking about: “On the radio, oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhh, on the radio…”

Why? I’ve been spreading the half-orange word via a lot of radio stations these days. But I know not everyone has access to every show, so I thought, if it might help to hear me talking about the power of optimism in love, I’d give you a way to listen!

You *can* have a love that makes you blossom (Image: Ken Spencer)

Here is a link to a radio show I did on February 9th with Boston station on 93.7 FM, with “Big Daddy” Mike. We not only talked about how positivity can help your love life, but also about what to do when you date a person and then find out he or she is, um, a hoarder. (Hey, it happens!) Here’s the link to the 93.7 site and our 9-minute interview:

My radio chat with Big Daddy

And if you could go for a longer bit of inspiration, check out the one-hour talk I had last night with Lisa Bonnice—she herself a success story of positive dating who appears in my book, Meeting Your Half-Orange! She hosted me on her super fun radio show, “Shapeshifting with Lisa Bonnice,” and we got to have a nice long chat about how you can bring what you want straight to you in life and in love.

My radio chat with Lisa Bonnice

One idea that Lisa and I talked about: the power of gratitude. Whether you’re writing it down in a “gratitude journal,” which some people do, or just reviewing all the good stuff in your life on the drive to work, do it. How will this help your dating self? Well, it will remind you what you do have instead of what you don’t. When you’re single and want to be in a relationship, you may be focusing a lot on what you don’t have: that you don’t have a partner who loves you, that you don’t have someone to go splitsies on Chinese food with, that you don’t have someone to lift the couch so you can vacuum under it. And if you focus on the empty glass, you’ll feel down about it and get more of it!

Instead, look at how full your life is. Look at what you do have: Your two legs, your health, family members who love you, kind friends, a roof over your head, a job that pays the important bills, a love for a certain type of music that makes you smile every time you hear it. If you look at all the ways you have it going on, at how full your life is, you’ll feel better about yourself and more confident and ready to offer that wonderful version of you to a relationship!

So listen to either show today, or save one for a quiet moment when you want a good jolt of positivity and a reminder to keep believing that your half-orange is out there. Because I, for one, know that he or she most certainly is.

Big love,