2010 March — The Life Optimist

Archive for March, 2010

Friday, March 12th, 2010

When I talk to single friends or clients I’ve coached about their past relationships and dating experiences, one thing often comes up: The feeling that, somehow, somewhere, they blew it. And we’ve all had that feeling for some reason, right?

Author Marianne Williamson

Maybe you said something to a boyfriend or girlfriend that led to a breakup. Maybe you didn’t admit your feelings to a friend you liked and they started dating someone else instead. And, man, nothing is worse than that feeling of regret. It sits like a rock in your stomach, and turns over in circles when you think about it, making you want to upchuck the whole experience and do it all over.

Well, that’s not how life works, of course. We can’t re-do the past—but we can affect the future and make sure we don’t re-do our mistakes all over again. This past week, I went to see Marianne Williamson speak in L.A., and of the many brilliant things she said, this was one of them:

“What’s worse than, “I blew it”? “I blew it again. And I knew better.”

Since you can’t change your past, be conscious today and this weekend of learning from the times you think you think you “blew it.” If you think you blew it with an ex by nagging or pushing him, work on your communications skills for your next relationship. If you think you blew it with someone you liked by not making a move, work on your confidence. And if you think you’ve blown it by choosing the same lame types of partners in the past (the hot one instead of the nice one, the cool one instead of the smart one, the clingy one instead of the independent one) then choose more wisely the next time.

It doesn’t matter if you think you’ve blown it in the past. We’ve all felt the rock of regret. But as Marianne Williamson says, let go of the past and just do it right this time. You know better now. Do it right the way you know you can.

You might also like:
Get Un-LOST: Nothing’s Irreversible
A Miyagi Love Moment

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on Feeling like you “Blew it?”

The Duet You’re Dating For

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

My Mom passed along this video to me, and I just had to pass it along to you…

Key for Two: The Cowans (Image: YouTube)

The story is that this older couple, Marlow and Frances Cowan, walked into the lobby of the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota and spotted a piano. The sign on it essentially said, “If you’d like to play it, play it.” And so they did. He—Marlow—is 90, and they’ve been married for 62 years.

It just goes to show you that if you click with the right partner, and keep a wonderful attitude, a fun and longlasting love future could be yours.

Here, take a look at what 62 years of partnership can look like in the right piano-tapping fingertips:
You might also like:

Man Advice from a 1943 Classic? You Bet.
What’s Your Black Jewell?

Big love,

Posted in It's a video, Optimisms | Comments Off on The Duet You’re Dating For

How Do You Feel? No, Really…

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

When I was single, I got pretty good at burying my feelings. For those of you who’ve read Meeting Your Half-Orange, you’ll remember me talking about this: I didn’t want people to think I was feeling down about being single, so if anyone asked, I said, “I love being single! It’s a blast!” I did love it sometimes, so I thought I was being genuine. But the truth was, I wanted a relationship—I just thought it would sound lame of me to say so.

However you feel...feel it.

Why is it that we cover up our feelings this way? Why do we apologize for them? We’ve all said at some point, “I’m sorry I’m getting so angry about this,” or “I’m sorry…I can’t feel excited!” The fact is, feelings are good! And to be a healthy person in a happy relationship, we all need to accept and embrace the ones we’re having so we know where we really stand in life.

That’s why when my friend Pam passed along this web site she discovered through a friend of hers (which was passed on to me by Todd last night), I ate it up. We Feel Fine (located here at wefeelfine.org) is a genius program that collects the words from anyone on the web who writes the words “I feel…” The creators, Sep Kamvar and Jonathan Harris call their 2005 creation “An Almanac of Human Emotion,” and “a database of several million human feelings, increasing by 15,000 – 20,000 new feelings per day.” Wow, right?

On the first page of the site, you have an option to “Open We Feel Fine,” which brings to you “The Madness”: hundreds of colored dots flying around the screen you can click on to see what someone in some country has been feeling. Things like “better” “ok” “super” and “alone” might come up. Take the option of clicking “Murmurs” and you get to watch scrolling postings of people being more particular: “I feel like talking about it,” “I feel like a dumbass” “I feel the acne about to come out,” and as someone from Victoria, Australia wrote, “I feel like I’m walking toward a brick wall and am going to hit it.” On other screens, you can even isolate a gender, an age, a city or a mood so you can see how others relate to you.

The "Madness" of WeFeelFine.or

The reason I’m so enthralled with this site? It’s a reminder that feelings are natural and healthy. Every single one of them (it’s acting on some of those “going postal” ones that screws things up). We all go through ups and downs in life, and it’s good for us. We can watch a feeling come and land on us. Acknowledge it. Embrace it for a second or an hour with a laugh, a cry, a shiver. And then, we can move on.

Being a dating optimist isn’t about putting on a happy face every time you’re feeling sad; it’s about acknowledging your true feelings now, and seeing a happier future for yourself—being certain that the experience you’re having today is leading you toward a great relationship. And that’s worth smiling about when you’re ready.

One tip that will help? While you’re playing with We Feel Fine (because you will want to!) don’t just focus on the powerfully sad stuff. Also look at how good some people are feeling, too. Go to the “Mounds” section and seek out how some strangers feel “confident” and “brave” and “free” and “pretty,” “important,” “able” and “blessed.” While you address and acknowledge how “alone” or “weird” or “unloved” or “troubled” you feel, see if there’s some area of your life that you can find a ray of feeling good, too, just for a minute. Because that’s about how long it will be until the whole site is refreshed with brand new feelings from a new batch of thousands across the world. We all feel something. Be true to how you do.

You might also like:
The Toils: A Good Thing
Is It Raining on Your Love Life?

Big love,

Tags: Feelings
Posted in Being yourself, Optimisms | Comments Off on How Do You Feel? No, Really…

“I know I’m not supposed to put a face on my half-orange but when I have my romantic fantasies, they are with him. Is it ok to have a crush this big on someone I’ve never really spoken to and when I am 25 years old?!” —J.

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Hi J.,

Thanks so much for writing. So your real question was a bit longer, explaining that the guy you have a huge crush works at a food co-op where you live. As you said, “I have never talked to him before, besides telling him that yes, in fact, I would love my receipt in the bag [smiley]. I go to that grocery store like several times a week to ‘buy coffee and a sandwich,’ but really it’s, well, basically, to stalk him.” And that’s when you ask if it’s okay, at 25, to have a crush on this guy.

My answer? Hells yeah! Should you go for it? Absolutely. Smile back and talk to him for a second and see if you feel a connection. If not, no worries. If so, then see what happens. Just keep in mind, not every guy needs to be your half-orange, but every guy will be a step to getting there in some way. So let yourself try out dating all types of people, even faces you wouldn’t picture yourself with, because you never know. Meeting and dating all types of different people is good for you, so don’t hold back wondering “But is he my half-orange?” with anyone. Let that connection come naturally—like the organic food in the store.

Which is why, I know you’re joking when you say you’re “stalking” him, but as I say in Meeting Your Half-Orange, a dating optimist doesn’t need to stalk! If it’s supposed to happen, it will. And if it’s him, great! If not, go with the flow, see what comes and what you learn from it. The right person will reveal himself to you in due time, but the only way you’ll know is by seeing how you feel when you’re with them. So the next time he offers you a receipt, maybe give this guy an eye-lock and a confident smile that suggests you might offer your number in return. Then see what happens.

—Amy

Posted in Let's Talk | Comments Off on “I know I’m not supposed to put a face on my half-orange but when I have my romantic fantasies, they are with him. Is it ok to have a crush this big on someone I’ve never really spoken to and when I am 25 years old?!” —J.

Sandra Bullock: Some Oscar Speech Optimism!

Monday, March 8th, 2010

And the winner for the most moving Oscar speech of the night goes to…Sandra Bullock. I saw and loved The Blind Side—like, tears-streaming-down-my-neck loved. I was happy to see that Sandra not only got credit for moving so many people in the movie, but that she moved so many people in her speech, too.

In fact, Sandra said three things in particular that made me think of you, because the messages are universal and speak volumes about the love you may be seeking in life.

Sandra Bullock gave good speech

SANDRA MOMENT #1: “Everyone who’s shown me kindness when it wasn’t fashionable, I thank you. To everyone who was mean to me when it wasn’t…like, George Clooney threw me in a pool years ago, I’m still holding a grudge…”

Yes, she was joking about Clooney, but she makes a seriously solid point here. Everyone you’ve ever had a relationship with—your lovers, your friends, your parents, your high school sweethearts, your previous boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands or wives—have made you who you are today. They have taught you lessons, shown you what you want in love and what you don’t. Whether they were kind to you or hurt you, these are the people worth thanking. With time and determination to grow positively from it, you will be the better for it.

SANDRA MOMENT #2: “If I can take this moment to thank Helga B . . . for making me practice every day when I got home: piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist you had to practice every day.

Why do I highlight this part? Because optimism takes practice, too. I explain all of this in Meeting Your Half-Orange, how it doesn’t come second-nature to everyone. In fact, it didn’t come second-nature to me when I was single and needed it most, even though I was born and raised an optimist.

Trust me, I get it. When life is looking lonely and you fear a future with no one loving you in it, it’s natural to want to hug the emotions you’re used to: Defeat. Disappointment. Mistrust. Self-protection. Sadness. You name it, I felt it when I was single, too. But for you to become the joyful, strong, confident, interesting, passionate, hopeful person you’re meant to be, you have to practice your positivity. You have to practice taking a new view on your life! Because the better you get at doing that, the faster your true love will find you.

SANDRA MOMENT #3: “…and for reminding her daughters that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no special orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love. So to that trailblazer who allowed me to have that [husband Jesse James]…”

I think we should all say this again and again to ourselves: We are all deserving of love. So if you feel deep down that you aren’t good enough to deserve the great love others have, you’re wrong. Or, on the other hand, if you feel deep down that you have such abundance in life that you couldn’t possibly ask for a great love, too, you’re wrong. Like the uplifting message we were reminded of in my post about the adorable show Glee, A Glee-ful Reminder, every single one of us deserves and can have a great love. Problems, issues, luck, pasts aside, look at where your life is today and give yourself the gift of asking for a relationship that will make you shine.

And so I ask you, dear readers: What surprising person might be in your Oscar speech about love? Which someone you’ve known or dated or loved or been raised by or been hurt by would you thank for making you who you are? If you thank your past, you’ll be better equipped to give more of yourself to your future partner.

You might also like:
Oh, Sherri: Her Lessons in Love
Babe Ruth: A Dating Strategy?

Big Oscar love,